Trades and Twitters

It's been a busy week here at ETC. ETC. ETC. and we apologize for our missing deadlines. But like Forrest said, shit happens. I have a few things I'd like to get off my chest and I'm going to get right into it.

In the baseball world the trade season is now well under way. Unlike in past seasons where the majority of the action took place moments before the trade deadline, teams are now identifying their needs and acting sooner rather than later. Already this season there have been 3 players dealt, Nate McClouth, Mark DeRosa and Eric Hinske. It must be nice as a GM to know that there's a team in which you can steal players from in times of need. And that team is the Pittsburgh Pirates. Take a look at a few of the players who the Pirates have traded in the past 5 seasons. Aramis Ramirez, Kenny Lofton, Jason Schmidt, Jason Bay, Xavier Nady, Nate McClouth and Erik Hinske to name a few. Those are big name, all-star caliber players and they have received almost nothing in return for them.

Another thing that is bothering me is Twitter. I was convinced, by one of our readers to sign up for Twitter to help push the blog. I did this for about a week and then got sick of it. Do people really want to know what I am doing at all times of the day? I don't even care what I'm doing. So I stopped posting on Twitter. I'm officially off. And here's a few examples of why. These are actual twitter posts from actual people.

"Going to the grocery store. I need some fixins for a salad"-Ashton Kutcher
"Am I ever going to get my latte? these lines are crazy"-Miley Cyrus
"Babysitting some pit bull puppies on the set of 5killers"-Demi Moore
"beginning our 2 a days previews monday with steelers and seahawks"-ESPN
"just saw transformers. go see it, amazing"-Erica Wilson (random person)

Its just ridiculous. I know some of our readers are obsessed with twitter and thats fine, you can chose to tweet if you want to. I will not be tweeting anymore. Jon Stewart summed up my feelings perfectly when he said "Why would I want to follow CNN on Twitter when I can follow them on CNN". Amen Jon, Amen.

"The Pauper"
The Tale of the Pauper: A Cross Country Trip of Enlightenment
Chapter 7
Malibu Fog
(Narration by Morgan Freeman)

June 19th 2009 11:39 AM: Cruisin on PCH in morning fog near Malibu

We last left our vagabond hero in Napa Valley, fresh off a wine tasting session with a living legend. It was now time to take a visit to the Cali Coastline, one of the most pristine and awe inspiring coastlines in the world. Many a celebrity has visited the shores of Malibu but never anyone attempting something as bold as the journey the Pauper was currently embarking on. Driving on the Pacific Coast Highway is like playing golf at Pebble Beach. Anyone can do it and the Pacific Ocean is always within sight.

With that thought in mind the Pauper decided this was a perfect time to hit the links. He then realized that he had no packed his golf clubs, they would have taken up precious space in what has now become the Pauper's bedroom; his backseat. So he decided upon the next best option...mini golf. It's a little known fact but Malibu has some of the finest putt putts in all of America. He searched from the selection of putters for the perfect club looking for the one that felt just right. He finally settled on a standard, thin, red handled putter and chose a blue golf ball. As he stepped up to the first green and stared at the wide eyed clay clown that was grinning back at him, the Pauper felt a strange connection with the course. He gave a small chuckle and putted away. A smooth swing and firm contact, he watched the ball roll straight into the cup. He had gotten a few hole in ones in his day so he thought nothing of it. But as the round went on, the Pauper soon realized he was putting up record numbers. Pars, birdies and hole in ones on the front 9 continued onto the back. Soon the people in front and back of the Pauper began to take notice.

A gallery was forming around the Pauper as they all were becoming aware that the course record was within reach. After 17 holes of dominant athletic performance, a crowd of around 40 gathered along the 18th hole, hoping to be a part of history. By this time a person in the crowd had twittered about the round and soon members of the media were making their way to Malibu Putt Putt. The pressure hit the Pauper like a bag of bricks. "Just play your game" he kept saying to himself, "just play your game". As he placed the ball on the 18th box, he gazed out at the hole. All the people and all the noise were silenced, as the Pauper became so focused on the tin cup just 11 feet away that he could no longer see or hear them. He planned out his strategy, up the hill, off the first sloping bankment, around a second bankment to leave it just short of the cup for a 2 putt record. As soon as he hit the ball, the Pauper immediately thought he hit it too hard, which might have cost him the round, but it was right on target. The crowd gasped and cheered as the ball made its way around the bends. The Pauper ran to the side of the hole so he could watch the ball's path. And as if it were a guided missile it made its way to the cup and fell right in. A hole in one. History had been made. The place went wild and celebrations erupted. The Pauper was now a Malibu legend, a man who just earned a lifetime invitation for every major tournament held at the Malibu putt putt. But never a man for publicity or showmanship, the Pauper submitted his scorecard, tipped his cap the crowd and walked away. There was still much to be accomplished on the trip and not enough time to bask in his accomplishments.

"Fab 5"
Pasquale returns with a new Fab 5 on info-mercials. It's a pretty epic list, but its just business as usual for Pasquale....

Here are 5 things I see advertised on TV that I come really close to buying every time I see the commercial.

P90x – I’ll admit, I’m a fitness nut. I really enjoy working out and every time I see these 30 minute P90x infomercials, I have to watch them. The work outs look insane, and I have heard and read that these DVDs are legit. I’ve come very close to buying this on multiple occasions, but haven’t pulled the trigger. Next time you see one of these infomercials on, just stop and watch for 5 minutes, you’ll probably want to buy this also.

ShamWow – Have you seen this product in action? It sucks up a 2 liter bottle of soda like its nothing, and there’s no drip. Little known fact, when I was a kid my mom always used to tell me, if you go somewhere and you are offered a soda, get sprite. That way if you spill it, there are no stains. It’s actually pretty smart advice for a kid, but the Shamwow just makes it absolutely erroneous. The only negative about Shamwow is the scumbag pitchman. If you don’t recall he slapped around some prostitute because she bit his tongue and wouldn’t let go. If you’re a tv pitchman, shouldn’t you have enough game where you wouldn’t need to hire a hooker? I mean if you can convince people to buy a crappy product, shouldn’t you be able to convince a girl to go home with you?

Pro Caulk – I am not even close to being handy. If you want something built, call the Sturges Brothers, but the pro caulk makes me want to quit my job and become a professional caulker. I’ve never caulked anything in my life, but now I’m going to go out of my way to look for something to caulk. The Pro Caulk is pretty much just a piece of plastic with different edges, but any time I see it, I really want to buy it.

Slap Chop – Never has chopping or peeling anything looked so easy. All you do is just pound on the handle of this thing and everything is beautifully chopped and peeled. It looks so easy. I’ve actually seen one of these in action and it worked pretty well. The guy who is in the commercials is just absurd, he loves wearing his head set and throwing things behind him. This is an appealing product despite the goon in the commercials

Save-a-blade – Razor blades are obscenely expensive, and this little piece of equipment makes it look so easy to just re-sharpen razor blades. I’m guessing if this product were actually as good as advertised it would be one of the top selling products of all time

"Video of the Day"
As Pasquale pointed out, there are some terrific infomercials. But then there are ones like this that are just so absurd. I think this sets America back a few steps. This is not meant to be a joke, it just comes off as one. Enjoy.