My Letter to Roger Goodell

Dear Commissioner Goodell,

Are you familiar with the term collateral damage? How about occupational hazard? Allow me to shed some light on the subject. When one becomes a coal miner, that person is well aware that there are certain inherent dangers that go along with being a coal miner. For instance there is a constant threat of being entombed alive from a collapse and a constant danger to their lungs from all the pollution and unclean air. The coal worker is well aware of these dangers yet every day thousands of people go into the coal mines. If Roger Goodell was commissioner of the coal workers union the world would have far less coal in it. At the first sign of a cough or if one person got trapped, he would suspend all work in that mine for fear of that worker's health.

Now to collateral damage. Have you ever gone swimming on a really hot day? Diving into a pool is incredibly refreshing and satisfying. You could stay in that water all day. Have you ever, after a day of swimming, had water in your ear that you couldn't get out? Or what about those awful wheezing pains you get in your lungs if you've stayed under water too long? This doesn't always happen, but sometimes its the unintended result of swimming. Collateral damage is precisely that, unintended damage that is the result of a separate action. If Roger Goodell was the commissioner of lifeguards, he would make sure someone was to be held responsible for your swimmers ear.

I write this due to the epidemic that has taken hold of the National Football League and that is the "unnecessary roughness of a defenseless player". Now I don't want to come off as an insensitive bastard who wants to see violence and injury. But I am also a fan of the game of football and at the end of the day football is an incredibly violent game. Every single player who is fortunate to play in the National Football League is well aware of the inherent dangers that come with it. Sure everyone wants to stay healthy, and no one would be in favor of injuries, but let's be honest when you play football, people are going to get hurt. It's the very definition of occupational hazard. If you don't believe me here is the Webster's dictionary definition...

Occupational Hazard : A risk accepted as a consequence of a particular occupation.

NFL players are not only well aware of these risks but they are also more than comfortably rewarded for taking these risks. In my opinion its very simple. If you don't want to put your body at risk then you forfeit the opportunity to make millions of dollars playing a game. But that's not the case. And every Sunday we have warriors putting their bodies on the line for our entertainment, and in return they get to cash their very large employment checks. Now of all the sports, NFL players make the least (compared to MLB and NBA) but that's a whole different story. I think NFL players should get paid the most comparative to the other sports mentioned.

If you don't believe me maybe you should ask the thousands of NCAA football players who never get the chance to chase their dreams of playing in the NFL. They get to the top of the mountain, as close as you can get to fulfilling their dreams, only to be turned away forever. Ask them if they would be willing to put their future health on the line for chance of millions of dollars, success at the highest level and fulfilling their childhood dreams. I know my answer. I'd do anything to play in the NFL and if that means I will have arthritic knees and a spotty memory then so be it. At least I followed my dream and competed at the highest level.

I write this because of the rash of "late hits" and "unnecessary roughness" calls that are plauging the league. People like James Harrison and Ryan Clark have had to pony up insane amounts of money for playing hard. Imagine if Dick Butkus or Deacon Jones or Jack Lambert or Ronnie Lott had to play under these rules. They not only would have lost a lot of money, but they also might not have been as dominant of players. Perhaps Jack Lambert would not be a celebrated hall of famer but rather a poster boy for penalties and dirty play. Actions that were celebrated in the 70s 80s and 90s are now being villainized (which may or may not be a real word).

If I was a wide receiver and I took a hard hit over the middle I would milk it, pretend to be hurt and the refs would throw a flag for unnecessary roughness. Why not? It happens like clockwork. A violent hit over the middle in which the defender separates the receiver from the football (something they are taught to do since the first day they played the game as kids) is flagged and the offense is rewarded. What Roger Goodell is trying to do is reverse a lifetime of football instincts and what he is finding out is that it is harder to rid the game of these hits than he thought. If I was Mr. Rooney, the owner of the Steelers, I would personally pay every fine that James Harrison receives. Because Mr. Rooney earned a lot of money off the violent actions of Jack Lambert and the Steel Curtain Defense. Now is watching as an ambitious commissioner tries to ruin the league. Let them play football and stop trying to make it two hand touch.
_________________________________________________________

PART 2: TEBOW vs BRADY

Since this is my return to blogging I have decided to make it a two part edition. If it's too long for you to read I really don't care. The other enormous topic in the NFL right now, aside from the late hits, is Tim Tebow. I have to say I am a fan of Tim Tebow. Ever since he provided the greatest football speech of all time, and went out and backed up every single word by winning the National Championship, I have been a fan of Tebow's. The guy is a winner, plain and simple and last time I checked winning is all that matters.

But this Tebow thing goes way beyond his performance on the field. It's been one of the most fascinating storylines to come out of the NFL in as many years as I can remember. But why? Why does every media outlet and every radio station obsess over Tim Tebow. I'm not here to give you my opinion on why people love or hate Tebow, that would make me no different from every pundit in the world. Instead what I am here to do is analyze this from a football perspective.

I don't care if Tebow is the lowest rated passer in the league. I don't care if every expert in the world says this style of offense can't last in the NFL. I'm along for the ride and the past 8 weeks have been amazing to watch. It's like he flips a switch and all of a sudden, come crunch time Tebow is a different player. There really is no explanation for it. But what I can see, the tangible element that Tebow brings to the table is his ability to lead. It's a truly rare talent and its something that coaches and GMs search for on a regular basis. Tebow inspires his players, and unless you have played on a team with Tebow you really can't understand it or quantify it. But it just seems like everyone who plays besides him is willing to put in a little more effort and that's a quality that can't be replicated. It's why I want to see him succeed, I want to see his team make the playoffs and see if this unconventional style of play can work in the NFL. And this week is the biggest test.

The most conventional quarterback of the last half century invades Denver this weekend and it seems to me like Tom Brady is out to prove a point. This season, despite putting up record numbers, Brady is being overshadowed by guys like Aaron Rodgers and Drew Brees and deservedly so. They are playing at an incredible level. But there's old Tom, up to his usual tricks. It's hard to imagine that the Patriots are 10-3 considering they have the league's worst defense. And besides Wes Welker (who was nothing special in the years before coming to New England) and Rob Gronkowski, there isn't a single offensive player on their team that I would want on my team. Brady and Tebow share something special, and that's the ability to lead a team. You can see how competitive each man is every Sunday and their will to win is unlike anyone else's in the league. Which makes this Sunday's game all the more interesting.

I am curious to see what happens. Logic says that Tebow will be able to move the ball against the league's worst defense. But how will Brady fare against one the top defenses in the league? My guess is he will do just fine. Something happens to competitors like Brady when people begin to forget how good they are or overlook their abilities. It's that desire that every athlete has to prove people wrong. And coming into this Sunday's game, all anyone seems to be talking about is Tim Tebow. I have a feeling that Brady is going to come out firing. Like he wants to prove what a "true" quarterback can do. It almost reminds me of A Few Good Men when Tom Cruise is talking about his plan to crack Jack Nicholson. It's a great scene that goes like this....

I think he wants to say it. I think he's pissed off that he's gotta hide from this. I think he wants to say that he made a command decision and that's the end of it. He eats breakfast 300 yards away from 4000 Cubans that are trained to kill him. And nobody's going to tell him how to run his unit least of all the Harvard mouth in his faggoty white uniform. I need to shake him, put him on the defensive and lead him right where he's dying to go. 

 I think Brady is pissed off about all the attention Tebow is getting and he is just going to go off like Colonel Jessup. Brady is going to deliver the following message to Tebow..

"Son we play a game that needs a quarterback. Who's gonna do it you? You Tim Tebow?  I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the spread option and you curse the pro style. You have that luxury, you have that luxury of not knowing what I know. That downfield passing and pre-snap reads win games. And my existence to you, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, wins games. You don't want the truth because deep down in offensive meetings you don't talk about zone blitzes or four verticles. You want me under center, you need me under center. We use words like hot route, x-under and new mike. We use these words as the backbone of a downfield offense. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who wins and loses in the league I've been a part of for 12 years and then questions the manner in which I win. I would rather you just said thank you and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you start throwing downfield and reading defenses. Either way I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

So there you have it. I hope this game is everything that it's been hyped up to be. If Tebow somehow pulls out another 4th quarter miracle then I am officially on board the Tebow express. But like I said, I have a feeling that Tom Brady is out to prove a point this weekend.

The blog is back and I would appreciate any comments or topic ideas going forward. Until next time, as always....STAY CLASSY

The Blog Is Back

This is an official announcement. Tomorrow marks the return of the blog. I have a few topics in mind but if anyone has anything in particular that they would like discussed please comment below.

I look forward to providing the kind of content that can only be found at ETC ETC ETC.

See you tomorrow


-Management

The Loss of a Friend

-I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one. Of happy memories that I leave behind when day is done.

On April 23rd 2006 the world lost an amazing person. Matt Turley was serving in Argentina on a church mission when he was struck by a drunk driver, tragically ending his life. I had the good fortune to grow up with Matt when he moved into our neighborhood in first grade. Right away we formed an amazing friendship, playing baseball and football in his seemingly enormous backyard. We would walk home from school, drop our book-bags off and then meet in his yard for home run derby or "two hand touch" football that always turned into tackle.

It's hard to believe that its been five years already. I try not to think about the loss and how long its been since I've seen my friend, but instead I remember all the good times we had. Like the summer that Matt, Joe Bonanni and I turned badminton into an extreme, no boundaries slugfest. Or the games of football we would play when Matt was the quarterback and I was the receiver. Matt would tell me to just run past the defense and he would get the ball to me. It only took a few games before Matt and I weren't allowed to be on the same team because it wasn't fair for everyone else.

It seemed like we did everything together, from Little League baseball to hours of video games. From nerf basketball in his tiny bedroom to snow forts and sledding. When I think of my childhood Matt is the first person that comes to mind. The memories are forever and on days like today I can think back on so many good times. Like when our 4 younger sisters put on a play in the Turley's living room. It was supposed to be very serious but Matt and I were uncontrollably laughing as if Jerry Seinfeld was in the room and not our sisters. That did not go over well at the time, but it always brings a smile to my face when I think about it now.

I think back on the day Aaron and Ryan Smith moved to Pennsylvania in 5th grade, the saddest day of our lives at that point. We sat in Matt's kitchen and cried for hours, not speaking a word. I even think back to the day that the Turley's moved from Old Stagecoach Road. Even though they were moving 3 minutes away, it felt like they were moving to California. And what should have been a sad day turned into a comedy of errors, from us dropping their refrigerator full of stuff on the driveway, to the moving van getting stuck in their yard.

There are so many things that I can look back on but my favorite memories are playing home run derby in his backyard. Matt's dad Scott would buy sleeves of tennis balls and pitch to us for hours as we tried to launch home runs into the woods. On the days Scott had to work Matt and I would beg him to hurry up so we could play. Their deck provided a great backstop, however each day we would lose a few balls underneath it. We would try to recover some from underneath the deck but some were so far gone that they are probably underneath there to this day. When I drive by that old house and look at the backyard I get emotional. I can still picture the badminton net and batters box next to the deck.

"I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend". 

I never got a chance to say goodbye to Matt or even let him know how much I appreciated our times together. It's still hard to think about what happened and I don't believe I'll ever truly be able to articulate his impact on his family, our friendship and all who knew him.

I hope that one day I will see him again and he will be waiting. With an unlimited supply of tennis balls and a backyard that will be big enough for home run derby, badminton and "two hand touch" football. I hope.

Top 10 SNL Performers

The remainder of March will be known as the "Top 10" month here at ETC ETC ETC. And I decided to kick of the list of 10s with a subject that I hold very dear to my heart...Saturday Night Live. Ever since I was first exposed to SNL in the early 90s I was immediately hooked. I can't remember my very first episode although I really wish I could. In retrospect having known the importance that this show has had on my life, it would be really cool if I could pinpoint the exact moment for credibility's sake. It's almost like a badge of honor, much like your first baseball game. "When did you start watching?" "I've been hooked every since the Tom Hanks/Aerosmith episode of 1990". (I was only 5 so that can't possibly be my first. But you could imagine what that would be like)

Despite having a few bad episodes or even a few bad seasons, there has never been a more influential comedic institution than Saturday Night Live. Since it's inception in 1975 SNL is responsible for some of the most well known, critically acclaimed and flat out funny sketches, short films and movies of all time. People like Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, Eddie Murphy, Dana Carvey, Chris Farley, Adam Sandler, and Will Ferrell to name a few have defined generations and impacted what people think is funny. So I began to think, who is the best SNL cast member of all time.

I posted this question on Facebook with a few options and the response was a little surprising. Of course it favored cast members that were most recently on the show, and that only makes sense. Most people are not historians of the show, therefore the people they grew up watching are the ones they consider to be the best. But I wanted to take a deeper look. SNL is one of the few things I consider myself an authority on and so I made a list of people who I thought deserved consideration, which ended up coming to 20 performers, and then I widdled it down to the Top 10.

My criteria consisted of the following:

Cast Members Only: Certainly there have been great hosts and fantastic guest appearances. People like Steve Martin, Alec Baldwin, Christopher Walken and Tom Hanks have had a huge impact on the show. But this list consists of Cast Members Only.
Strictly SNL: I wanted to take into account each performers's post-SNL career, but that's just not fair. This list is just the Top 10 SNL performers, meaning what they accomplished during their time on the show. Post-SNL, Rob Schneider's movies have out-grossed Dana Carvey's movies, but does that mean Rob is a better cast member than Dana. Certainly not.  Having said that, a career Top 10 list of SNL performers, both on the show and after, would be interesting.
Cultural Impact: Did you talk about a sketch this performer did? Were you imitating an impression at school or work on Monday? Are you still making references to this pefrormer/sketch years after it first aired?
Signature Sketch: Would you recognize their most famous sketch? Have you heard of Matt Foley or "living in a van down by the river". What about Wayne Campbell or the Church Lady? This category may carry the most weight in my opinion.

So here is my list of the Top 10 SNL performers of all time...but first the honorable mentions

Honorable Mentions: Chevy Chase (just 1 season on the show), Billy Crystal, Martin Short (better after SNL then during), Chris Rock (see Crystal, Billy or Short, Martin) Molly Shannon (terribly polarizing, either hated or loved her), David Spade (too much of a role player), Tina Fey (better writer/Weekend Update performer), Jimmy Fallon (# 11 on my list), Kristen Wiig (could force her way into the Top 10, but not yet), Andy Samberg (still too early, can he do more than digital shorts).

10). Dan Aykroyd- Akroyd was the very first "glue guy" and a member of the original "Not Ready For Primetime Players". His impact cannot be overlooked as he possessed incredible range. He could play the fast talking info-mercial pitchman or the talented, dancing Blues Brothers sketch. He also provided the blueprint for political impressions with his Richard Nixon character. My personal favorite sketch of his might the Coneheads or "Fred Garvin, Male Prostitute" but how can you forget "Two wild and crazy guys!"
Signature Sketch: Bass-O-Matic '76, The fast talking pitch man is now a staple on SNL however most of these sketches are pre-recorded. Akroyd pulled this one off live and it's still funny and outrageous more than 30 years later.

9) Bill Murray- Bill may have had the most successfull post-SNL career of all but his time on the show was almost as invaluable as any. Murray was tabbed with the nearly impossible task of replacing Chevy Chase who famously left after the first season. It was so difficult that through most of Season 2 (Bill's first on the show) he was not well received by the audience. But soon we all came to love Murray who completely pushed the limits of sketch comedy. He played the lovable nerd Todd DiLamuca with Gilda Radnor and who can forget the Cheeseburger sketch with Aykroyd and Belushi.
Signature Sketch: Nick Winters Lounge Singer . It was a perfect stage for Bill's talents as he could sing and interact with the crowd.

8) Mike Myers- I think Myers may be one of the most overlooked SNL performer's of all times. Sure every single person has seen Shrek, Austin Powers or Wayne' World, but Myers was a very versatile performer. I actually think Myers could be ranked higher on this list because of all the characters he developed. Wayne Campbell is arguably his most famous, but there's also Linda Richman on Coffee Talk, Sprockets, and Phillip the special youngster. A truly gifted performer, Myers may be the best at creating characters and growing a funny idea into a truly legendary character.
Signature Sketch: Wayne's World . It was so famous it was made into not 1 but 2 movies.

7) Adam Sandler- Sandler is one of Hollywood's most bankable stars now but before he hit the big screen Sandler was a unique and innovative cast member. Sandler was a duel threat who could not only act, but he was also very musically talented. This led to one of his most famous sketches Opera Man and several classic guitar pieces like "Lunch Lady Land". That sketch was one of his many collaborations with Chris Farley and it's tough to say which of the two can take ownership of them. Classics like "the Gap Girls" and the "Herlihy Boy". And you can't talk about Sandler without mentioning Canteen Boy.
Signature Sketch: Despite all that was just said, his best moment was the "Chanukah Song".

6) John Belushi- We all know the tragic end to Belushi's story but while on SNL he brought a style that had never been seen before. He was loud, physical and had impeccable timing. At one point Belushi was on the #1 TV show, had the #1 movie at the box office (Animal House) and had the #1 record with the afore mentioned "Blues Brothers" fame. But that doesn't factor into his placement according to my criteria. His impression of Joe Cocker set the standard for SNL impressions, a hallmark of the show thanks to Belushi. And without speaking english, he made the "Samuri Deli" a hit. The most ironic/tantalizing look at what could have been is "The Old Man" video in which Belushi outlived all the original cast members (worth a view for all who thought Belushi was just a physical comedian).
Signature Sketch: The Blues Brothers. Without a doubt.

5) Eddie Murphy- Murphy has probably earned the most money at the box office but he was asked to carry the show after the original "Not Ready For Primetime Players" left the show. Not only did he carry the show, he exploded on the scene with characters like Buckwheat, Gumby and the Mr. Rogers spoof "Mr. Robinson's Neighborhood". Some of his most famous work on the show was doing impressions, most notably Bill Cosby, Stevie Wonder and of course James Brown. Eddie also gave us a hilarious look at race relations when he pretended to be a white person for a digital short. It could be argued that without Murphy SNL may not have survived as he made the seemingly impossible transition from the original cast.
Signature Sketch : James Brown Hot Tub.

4) Dana Carvey- A personal favorite of mine (his standup from 95 in San Francisco was a life changing moment for me) Carvey led the revival of the show after the "dark years" when Murphy left. Carvey is best known for characters like Hans (from Hans and Franz) Garth from Wayne's World and of course "the Church Lady". Despite these great original characters, Carvey was best known for his impressions. Arguably the best impersonator in the show's history (the other would be Daryl Hammond), Carvey found a particular angle on his target and exaggerated it to the exteme. He could make the most dry, boring person funny (Tom Brokaw). His impressions include Ross Perot, Regis Philbin, Johnny Carson, Charles Grodin and cast member Dennis Miller. Here's an amazing stat..during the 7 seasons he was on the show Carvey was featured in 92.5% of all the sketches.
Signature Sketch: President George H. W. Bush . Not Gunna Do It, Wouldn't be Prudent.

3) Chris Farley- Much like his idol John Belushi, Farley's tale is as much a tragedy as it is a comedy. However his impact on SNL was unforgettable. A truly gifted entertainer, Farley was never afraid to go to extremes for a laugh. Some of his most memorable characters include Todd O'Connor from the Chicago Superfans, Beverly the Zagats reviewer, Bennet Brower the "air quotes guy" . Chris is responsible for two of the most famous sketches in the show's history. One being Matt Foley, and the other is Barney the Chippendale's dancer. I've seen those hundreds of times and both are still as funny now as they were then. Chris could be considered the top ever, but I rank him at three for this reason. He was not versatile. Most of his characters were very similar with the one exception when he played "himself". The Chris Farley Show was as unique of a sketch that every has been on the show. It was born from Farley actually asking guest hosts sheepish questions but it gave us all a look at the depth and range of Farley, something we rarely saw. I still get sad when I watch that sketch, as well as his legacy movie Tommy Boy. "The saddest thing in life in wasted talent" and despite the incredible comedy that Chris has left us, I feel cheated for all the great work that he would have done all these years later.
Signature Sketch: Matt Foley. Without question this is one of the most famous moments in the show's history. You can see David Spade and Christina Applegate laughing just like all of us. Listen up otherwise you're gonna be living in a van down by the river.

2) Phil Hartman- To the average SNL viewer Hartman may be litte more than an afterthought. But when you take a look at his body of work he is more than deserving of this spot and could make a case for the greatest of all time. Hartman was an incredible impressionist and his most notables include Bill Clinton, Ronald Reagan, Frank Sinatra, Phil Donahue, and Ed McMahon to name a few. Some of my favorite sketches of his are "the Anal Retentive Chef" and of course, "the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer"(Ladies and gentleman of the jury, I'm just a caveman"). Hartman was the first "everyman", the guy you could put in any role in any sketch and he would be funny. While on the show, his castmates referred to him as "glue", which should indicate how important he was. Hartman's tale ended in tragedy as well, however unlike Farley or Belushi, his downfall was not his fault. He was shot and killed while sleeping by his wife and once again a comedy great was taken too early.
Signature Sketch: Bill Clinton at McDonald's . Intercepted by warlords.

1) Will Ferrell- I think when you look back at the 36 years of the show Ferrell stands as the greatest. He brought a comedic style that had never been seen before. A man child with a boiling rage that existed beneath the surface of a seemingly normal person. This family dinner perfectly sums up Ferrell, it's awkward, hysterical and you can't stop laughing. Of his many famous routines, some of the best are the Spartan Cheerleaders, Jacob Silj, Marty Culp, the devil, and of course the hot tub lovaaas. And we haven't even scratched the surface with his impressions. His George W. Bush took the show to new heights during the 2000 election and produced some of the show's greatest political humor (strategery). He turned Neil Diamond into a sex addicted lounge singer, Robert Goulet into...well a funny skit, Harry Carey became an astronomer, James Lipton became relevant because of Ferrell's sketch and you can't talk about Ferrell without mentioning Alex Trebek.  Celebrity Jeopardy became a staple of the show thanks in large part to Ferrell's angry intrepretation of the host. One paragraph on the 7 year span of Ferrell does not do him justice and if you want to see more you can watch one of his 3 Best of volumes from the show.
Signature Sketch: More Cowbell. It's become a catch phrase that's how funny it was. An interesting story about this sketch was that during dress rehearsal it didn't get a lot of laughs and before the live show, Will swapped shirts and put on the one you see in the sketch. Something about the tight shirt and his stomach make the sketch that much funnier.


I welcome all feedback about the list and have provided plenty of video links for your entertainment as we take you into the extended weekend. One of our loyal readers Chris has submitted several top 10 list ideas and if any readers want to submit a topic I will gladly consider it. So until next time, as always....STAY CLASSY!

Kanye - So Appalled

dark knight feeling, die and be a hero

or live long enough to see yourself become a villain

I went from the favorite to the most hated

or would you rather be underpaid or over-rated?

I promised an influx of entries on the blog and I'll be damned if I break that promise because of a drug named Charlie Sheen. But on the bright side, apparently being fired isn't all that bad as they make it to be. So now that I'm "Employment Single" the blog will be back with more attention, more time and with way more dedication, so much so that you might confuse the new and improved ETC with Heather Mills circa 2002 (get it, second wives? no...).

Well I wanted to write to inform you that for the rest of the month I will be compiling Top 10 lists on a wide range of topics. I'm not talking basic "10 Best Movies" or "10 Best Athletes". Instead I will try to compile lists that will make you want to debate your friends. You will want to question co-workers on the subject so you can compare your list to theirs. And ultimately disagree with their list while confirming in your head that your list is best. So starting tomorrow there will be a Top 10 list and I encourage as much feed back as possible. But as I said that is starting tomorrow.

The point of my entry tonight is to address the timeless, but recently lost art of storytelling. Either you can tell a great story or you can't. In my opinion everyone has a story to tell that people want to hear. It's just a matter of properly retelling the story so that your audience can't help but get caught up in it, anxiously waiting the punchline. I consider myself an excellent storyteller (not to blow my own Johnson rod but I think I can tell a good story), so much so that in college I was once dubbed "the storyteller" (that's a whole different story that I will have to tell you some other time). But last night, I was fortunate enough to hear a re-telling of my all-time favorite story.

I was not even involved in this story but from the very first time i heard this story, I instantly knew it was my favorite of all time. It just so happened that last night was a perfect storm of ingredients that forced my roommate to re-tell my favorite story of all time. Now, unfortunately (because ETC's readership is not enough to warrant me telling the actual story) I can not tell you the details of this story. I'm currently working on writing the Hollywood screenplay so I can't reveal any details until the screenplay is more than 60% written. Anyway, I came to a strange but provocative realization as I enjoyed the re-telling of my favorite story. As this was happening, I thought to myself that this incredible, hysterical, outrageous story would make a viral sensation on YouTube (especially because I secretly captured the entire 16 minute re-telling on my phone. Maybe later in the week I will release the casting sheet that was created in the said 16 minutes).

With the recent success of viral videos, one can't help but think of how the landscape of video "response" has changed. Think of the past few years and all of the YouTube video's that you have seen. I mean who hasn't seen "Charlie bit my finger" (I'll admit, this was the first time I watched this video and I died laughing. Please click if you are having a bad day), "Double Rainbow" or "The Evolution of Dance". These are video's that have been seen hundreds of millions of times. And so my question is this to young filmmakers: is it better to have your video seen hundreds of millions of times on YouTube, or is it better to have an Indy film produced in Hollywood that makes you $3 million.

Before you quickly answer that question consider this. $3 million sounds like a lot of money to me and you, but in the year 2010, the movie "Inspector Bellamy" earned 3 million at the box office. I dare you to find a friend of yours that has even heard of this movie, let alone has seen it. So which film-making avenue is better? Becoming a cultural phenomenon or achieving "Hollywood" production.

I debate that very question as you read this. While I try to type up the screenplay. Or is it just easier to upload those video's to YouTube from my Iphone?

2nd Annual "And The Oscar Goes To"

What do Mike Francessa and I have in common? Unfortunately not as much as I would like. But the answer is our obsession with the Oscars. Its Hollywood's biggest night and being the movie junkie that I am, it's only fitting that I get caught up with the Oscars. I am such a sick person that I rattled off almost every winner of the 5 major categories of the last 20 years (true story, just ask Mr. IMDB Lenny the Critic). Usually I like to see majority of the films up for awards however this year I am severely slacking. I'm not happy about it. In fact I may have a cram session on Saturday just to make myself feel better, but I don't know...I don't know if we'll have enough time. Shockingly I've only seen 3 of the 10 movies nominated for Best Picture. Usually I'm well over 50%. But I've done my homework, seen some trailers, read some reviews, watched some award shows, had dinner with Roger Ebert, sat courtside with Jack, smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering and then decided to blog. Based on my research there are at LEAST 4 absolute, stone cold, lock it up, put it in pen sure thing bets that will not lose. And the rest are kind of up in the air. So here are my predictions...

Best Picture: 
Nominees: Black Swan, The Fighter, Inception, The Kids Are Alright, The King's Speech, 127 Hours, The Social Network, Toy Story 3, True Grit, Winter's Bone


What will Win: The King's Speech - This is the textbook Academy movie in which they can't say no to. They love British time piece movies with great costumes, elaborate set designs and classically trained actors (See Shakespeare In Love). I have not seen this movie, but it won Best Picture at all the other award shows and based on the reviews and opinions and buzz, I think this nudges out The Social Network. 


What Should Win: Inception - It's easily the most creative, unique, entertaining movie of the year, however it will surely get overlooked. The consensus opinion for the "only reasonable threat" is Social Network. I really enjoyed Social Network but I didn't think it was amazing. When I saw Inception I was completely wow-ed by the experience. But Christopher Nolan wasn't even nominated for Best Director, which sums up how the Academy feels about this movie (and seriously what does Nolan have to do get a nomination).

Darkhorse: The Social Network - It's not much of a darkhorse considering its the only real competition. But I just think King's Speech has this thing locked up so if Social Network wins it will technically be an upset. Its a two horse race for sure. I loved the speed and pacing of this movie, and I'm positive that those two aspects got this movie nominated. I mean its a moderate story, but because everyone loves Facebook and really didn't know all the details, people became enthralled. However, its the story telling, speed and tempo that got this movie nominated.





Best Actor: 
Nominees: Javier Bardem (Biutiful), Jeff Bridges (True Grit), Jesse Eisenberg (The Social Network), Colin Firth (The King's Speech), James Franco (127 Hours)


Who Will Win: Colin Firth (The King's Speech) - This is 1 of my ABSOLUTE locks and I will be betting on this. Not only is the competition very weak, but chips are in his corner. The biggest threat is Jeff Bridges, but he won last year for Crazy Heart and I don't think the Academy is going to make him the first back to back winner in this category since Tom Hanks (Not to mention that the role of Rooster Cogburn in the movie True Grit has already won Best Actor award for John Wayne in 1969).

Who Should Win: Colin Firth (The King's Speech) - I haven't seen this movie, in fact the only I've seen in Social Network but this is a sure thing. Firth has been around for a while, gaining respect for years and I have a feeling that the Academy is going to reward him for this. Seriously, this is a shoe in.

Darkhorse: Jesse Eisenberg - Just for the sake of format I will give a darkhorse. As good as Eisenberg was, I would be shocked if Firth didn't win.

Best Supporting Actor: 
Nominees: Christian Bale (The Fighter), John Hawkes (Winter's Bone), Jeremy Renner (The Town), Mark Ruffalo (The Kids Are Alright), Geoffrey Rush (The King's Speech)

Who Will Win: Christian Bale (The Fighter) - This is the biggest lock of the night. I may bet this seperately and as part of a parlay because this award is already over. Bale lost nearly 30 pounds almost to the point of which he was unrecognizable (a known weakspot of the Academy) and absolutely commanded the screen. He has won the Golden Globe and the Screen Actors Guild award, which means he is being recognized by peers and critics alike. Take this one to the bank.

Who Should Win: Jeremy Renner (The Town) - Renner has now been nominating for acting awards in back to back years and to borrow a term from a friend, he is "piping hot". Renner was simply perfect as the psychotic bank robber that it was almost scary. We've seen plenty of bank robber and plenty of killers in the past, but there was something about this performance that stood out. It was cold, succinct and strangely compelling because he was completely unpredictable. I'm sure you will be seeing a lot more Renner in the next few years.

Darkhorse: Geoffrey Rush (The King's Speech) - Rush is an academy favorite having already won a Best Actor award in the 90's and theres a good chance that this movie makes a clean sweep of the major awards. Rush plays the speech therapist who helps the future king overcome his speech impediment. I still can't see how Bale doesn't win this award. LOCK IT UP.

Best Actress:
Nominees: Annette Benning (The Kid's Are Alright), Nicole Kidman (Rabbit Hole), Jennifer Lawrence (Winter's Bone), Natalie Portman (Black Swan), Michelle Williams (Blue Valentine) 


Who Will Win: Natalie Portman (Black Swan) - I'm pretty sure this is a shoe in. She's gained all kinds of accolades as the schizophrenic ballerina. Being able to pull off multiple personalities is not easy, in fact it often time leads to unintentional comedy. The other major factor that she has going for her is the awesome girl on girl love scene with Mila Kunis (if your girl makes you watch this, that scene can make it worthwhile) which shows her fearlessness (it worked for Halle Berry in Monster's Ball). I'm very confident about this, but I'm not gonna bet this one.

Who Should Win: Natalie Portman (Black Swan) - Because honestly have you, the casual movie-goer, heard anything about any of these other performances. I'm sure they were all really good, but Portman has America talking. She will win this award.

Darkhorse: Annette Benning - She's the wily old veteran in this category and has just enough going for her for me not to make Natalie a absolute lock. She won the Screen Actors Guild as a Lesbian who finally meets the man who donated his sperm for their children. I haven't seen this and I probably won't (not that there's anything wrong with that) but its got that off-beat quirky, new age movie kind of approach and certainly Annette has been around for a well and has done some great work. I wouldn't be surprised if she won, but I stand by Natalie.

Best Supporting Actress:
Nominees: Amy Adams (The Fighter), Helena Bonham Carter (The King's Speech), Melissa Leo (The Fighter), Hailee Steinfeld (True Grit), Jacki Weaver (Animal Kingdom)


Who Will Win: Melissa Leo (The Fighter) - I'm not happy with myself that I have not seen this movie, and this may be my choice to see on Saturday. It had to be good when it receives 3 acting nominations (but my boy Wahlberg gets screwed again). There is the chance that Adams and Leo could split the vote, but from what I've heard she dominated this role.

Who Should Win: Hailee Steinfeld - How about getting nominated for an Oscar in your first big screen movie. She must have done a hell of a job if she could hang with Jeff Bridges and Matt Damon. The only problem is I doubt she will win for her very first movie. I could be wrong, but this is the only major category that is totally wide open.

Darkhorse: Helena Bonham Carter - Just because there's a 20% chance that King's Speech runs aways with any close call category.

Best Director:
Nominees: Darren Aronofsky (Black Swan), David O. Russell (The Fighter), Tom Hooper (The King's Speech), David Fincher (The Social Network), Joel and Ethan Coen (True Grit)


Who Will Win: David Fincher (The Social Network) - This is very interesting, because generally speaking, the winner of best Director is also the movie that wins for best picture. However I think this trend will break, at least in my opinion. I think Fincher finally gets recognized (another trend recently has been rewarding great directors who are long overdue. see Scorsese, Martin).

Who Should Win: Tom Hooper (The King's Speech) - Again, just because there's a 20% chance that King's Speech goes for a clean sweep (except for Best Actor, that shit's over before it began).

Darkhorse: Coen Brothers (True Grit) - I think this is another two horse race between the top pictures of the night. I can't imagine the Coen's winner 2 oscars in 4 years, but you never know.

Full Winner Predictions:
Best Picture: The King's Speech
Best Director : David Fincher (The Social Network)
Best Actor : Colin Firth (The Kings Speech)
Supporting Actor: Christian Bale (The Fighter)
Supporting Actress: Melissa Leo (The Fighter)
Adapted Screenplay: The Social Network
Original Screenplay: The King's Speech ****Inception deserves this award though***
Animated: Toy Story 3
Art Direction: Alice in Wonderland
Cinematography: Inception
Costume Design: The King's Speech
Documentary Feature: Inside Job
Documentary Short: Poster Girl
Film Editing: The Social Network
Foreign Language Film: Biutiful
Makeup: The Wolfman
Original Score: The Social Network
Original Song: "If I Rise (127 Hours)
Short Film Animated : The Lost Thing
Short Film Live Action: Na WeWe
Sound Editing: Inception
Sound Mixing: Inception
Visual Effects: Inception





ABSOLUTE LOCKS:

So here are the picks that I'm betting heavy money on :

Toy Story 3 -Best Animated Feature
Christian Bale - Best Supporting Actor
The Social Network - Best Adapted Screenplay
Colin Firth - Best Actor


I would bet my entire life savings on Toy Story 3 but these 3 options make for a very compelling parlay. Honestly, I would do ridiculous things if Toy Story doesn't win Best Animated Feature. 1 of my friends already owes Pasquale a ridiculous thing, and I would certainly join in that ridiculous event if Toy Story lose. I mean it was nominated for Best Picture, its an ABSOLUTE lock to win this category.

Well that will wrap it up. I know there wasn't as much fun stuff in this entry, but there's a lot of information. I will be very curious to see my results. So sit back and enjoy the show folks.

Until next time, as always.....STAY CLASSY!

10 Movies For The Rest Of Your Life

Guess who's back????

I know what you all must be thinking...ETC ETC ETC has the laziest blogger of all time. Well I can't argue with that entirely, however I will say this. If I had more time, in essence if I was lazier, I would have more time to dedicate to this blog. However more pressing things demand my attention and I have not been able to dedicate enough to this blog. But a snide remark from a co-worker known only as Bob really gave me a reason to write today's post (that and a lengthy bar discussion about movies). So a while back Bob asked me a question that demanded more thought than I anticipated. He asked me "if you could only watch 10 movies for the rest of your life, which 10 movies would you pick". Now at face value, that seems like an easy enough question to answer. You'd pick a few of the all time favorites, a few feel good movies and a few personal favorites. But then I began to dig a little deeper....

I mean 10 movies for the rest of your life?!?! I love Big Macs and all but could I eat them for the rest of my life? I don't know. But along that line of reasoning, if I eliminated Big Macs, does that mean I eliminate hamburgers altogether? So I really had to think long and hard about this topic and what I realized was is this; that my list says a lot about who I am as person, and certainly each person's list will inevitably say a lot about a person's personality (please excuse the alliteration). In fact I think this list might be as telling of an indicator as anything you could ask a person. For example, if you asked this to a potential friend or love interest, and they responded "you know, i really don't like movies" well then I walk away from that person before they have the time to tell me that communism is a misunderstood form of government.

But chances are any normal human being will able to provide you a list of movies that they hold dear. Now i can easily tell you my 10 favorite movies of all time, or even tell you what I consider to be the 10 best movies of all time. But asking a person to list 10 movies, and only 10 movies that they could watch for the rest of their lives...well thats a question that requires some serious thought. But I think this is a great question, and I think this should be used more often as a screening process for potential friends or love interests. Because in my opinion, and granted I am a sick person who LOVES movies and watches tons and tons of movies, this provides great insight into the kind of person you are.

So without further adieu, this is how I would answer the question "If you could only watch 10 movies for the rest of your life, which movies would you pick"

*Please note, these are in no particular order. Assuming I have all the time left on earth and can only watch these 10, I'm sure I would watch all of these movies an equal amount of times*

Dumb & Dumber - This is an all time classic comedy in my opinion. What makes this movie so great is that it's hilarious the first time you saw it (regardless of your age) but it gets funnier the more you watch it and the more you understand. The Farrelly brothers are comedic geniuses with movies like There's Something About Mary and Kingpin to their name but I feel this is their finest achievement. I saw this movie when it came out in 1994 when I was 9 years old and thought it was the funniest movie I had ever seen. It wasn't until I was in high school and truly understood every joke of this movie did I think it was a legendary movie. One of the  reasons I think I could watch this for the rest of my life is because in all the years of toilet humor, there has never been and will never be a funnier toilet scene than Harry's epic turn on the faulty throne. This movie is quotable and rewatchable and is absolutely on my list.

Old School - Comedy is a huge theme in my selections and let's be honest, if you could only watch 10 movies for the rest of you life, you have to pick movies that continue to make you laugh even when you can recite the entire movie by heart. This is the case with Old School. I mean who hasn't said "You're my boy Blue" or "actually a pretty nice little Saturday. We're gonna go to home depot, yeah buy some wall paper, maybe get some flooring, stuff like that. Maybe Bed, Bath & Beyond, I don't know. I don't know if we'll have enough time". This movie changed the way I viewed comedies. I had seen Animal House and I had seen Caddyshack, but this really took the outrageous comedy to a whole new level. Vince Vaughn and Will Ferrell deliver incredible performances that I will never get tired of.

Anchorman - This may be my most polarizing choice of my 10. However, I can not leave this movie off my list. I saw this move 4 times in theaters. You can ask the people who saw this movie with me for the first time how funny I thought this was. And they will tell you that I laughed so hard that I had tears running from my eyes at 3 separate times....in the first 30 minutes of the movie. I absolutely love Ron Burgundy but the performances from Steve Carell, Paul Rudd and David Koechner are equally as memorable. And what's not to love about the mustaches? One of my top 2 Halloween's of my life was when I dressed in full suit, donned a stellar wig and powerful mustache and stayed in character as Papa Burgundy all night. I drank scotch and made claims like "I'm kind of a big deal, people know me" all night. It was fantastic. I can peform this movie as a 1 man show on Broadway and I still find it hilarious, so this is 100% on my list.

Wedding Crashers - (are you picking up a theme yet) I could make a case for this as the funniest movie I've ever seen. The first hour of this movie is non-stop, over the top, outrageous humor that stands against some of the greatest hours of a comedy move ever. A lot of people knock this movie for the "chick flick" element that dominates the end of the movie, however I think that that part makes this movie even stronger than its incredible comedic introduction. Rachel McAdams makes every guy fall in love with her and proves that shes not just a one trick pony in The Notebook. But let's not overlook the incredible quotability of this movie, like "stage 5 clinger" or "lock it up" among the many unreal quotes. And let's not forget the break out role of "Sack" aka Bradley Cooper who has emerged as a legitimate Hollywood A-Lister. Bottom line is that I never get sick of this movie, and its absolutely part of my 10 FOREVER list.

A Few Good Men - This is a no brainer in my opinion. This has one of the most iconic lines in all of movie history. Anyone over the age of 18 has heard the line "You can't handle the truth" (I arbitrarily picked the age of 18 but I think that my case holds water). I absolutely love this movie for many reasons. Not only is it incredibly gripping and riveting, but it also has moments of great comedic value. Tom Cruise delivers one of his best performances ever and Jack Nicholson, despite appearing on screen for only 14 minutes, provides a character that will last forever. Nicholson absolutely commands the screen in the short period that he appears and gives us some great quotes (besides the afore-mentioned "truth" quote) like "i want you to stand there in your faggoty white uniform and extend me some fucking courtesy". And I cannot mention A Few Good Men without mentioning Kevin Bacon and the most underrated quote of the movie "You're a lousy fucking softball player Jack"

Gladiator - I can and I have made a case that Gladiator is the best movie that I have seen....ever. The story of Maximus, a powerful general who becomes a slave and fights for his freedom as a gladiator is one of the finest character arc's I've ever seen. Not only is the story incredible, but the film making and cinematography is phenomenal as well. There is a scene in which Maximus (played to perfection by Russell Crowe) first lays eyes on the Roman Colosseum. The character is supposed to be in awe but not only is Maximus taken aback by the sight of this historic structure, but the audience is amazed as well by the incredible re-creation of the building that everyone only knows today by its ruins. And how can you forget the unreal speech Maximus delivers to Commodus, the man who ordered his death, in which hes says "my name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the armies of the north, General of the felix legions. Loyal servant to the true emperor of Rome, Marcus Arelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife...and I will have my vengeance, in this life of the next". It really doesn't get much better than this movie.

Forrest Gump - I could easily make a case for this being as good or better than Gladiator. What I love about this movie is that it has everything you can possibly ask for in a film. It is very funny, there are great action sequences, its tragically sad but at the same time creates an amazing feel good story. All at once this movie is about friendship, love, relationships, war, family, heartbreak, despair, triumph and perseverance while covering every noteworthy event in American history from 1950 to 1994. Tom Hanks won an Academy Award as the title character and I feel that an Oscar, while being the ultimate award for an actor,  is not enough recognition for a performance that transcends film. Gump, for lack of a better term is slow, but Hanks was able to connect with all of us by displaying character traits that everyone can relate to. We all have had a best friend, been hopelessly in love, felt overwhelmed and done illogical things just because we wanted to do it. And we've all heard the cliched quote from this movie that "life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get"

Goodfellas - I find this to be one of the most influential movies of all time. People often compare and contrast this movie with The Godfather but in my opinion you simply cannot compare the two films. Godfather is so historic and so classic that people write it off, much the way people write off "Moby Dick" or "The Great Gatsby" as just another classic, without ever giving them their due recognition. Godfather gives us so many great quotes and scenes that are forever apart of the American consciousness that we assume no other mafia movie could ever be as good. Having said that, I find Goodfellas provides us with an intense, gritty, realistic portrayal of what life is really like in the mafia. Organized crime is not glorified in this movie, rather we are given a unique insight into life as ganster. The characters are disturbed, psychotic sociopaths that have an incredibly captivating quality. As you watch the movie you can't help but be drawn into the mafia lifestyle. And who can forget the absolutely legendary performances from Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesci. Pesci's "how am I funny" speech is without question one of the most famous of all time. Some may disagree with this choice because of its length and straying storylines but in my opinion there is no better glimpse into the life of a gangster than this Scorsese classic.

The Sandlot - While this movie will not be in any critics top 10 list of all time greatest movies, The Sandlot is on this list without question. Perhaps the biggest contributing factor is the nostalgic angle that brings me back to my childhood. This was one of my favorite movies as a kid, but the true test of a "for the rest of my life movie" is that this movie has improved with age. The quotability of this movie is off the charts with classics like "you're killing me smalls" to the more inspirational "heroes get remembered, but legends never die". This classic tale of youth baseball -turned epic adventure is one that I can rewatch over and over again. I truly believe this movie will survive the test of time, not only with me as I get older, but that it will be a movie I can play for my kids and they will enjoy it as well. (If they don't like it.....well I haven't even considered that as a possibility, so ask me about this in like 20 years)

Good Will Hunting - This is another movie that I put in my top 5 of all time and could easily make a case for it to be in the top 3. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck gave us one of the finest screenplays of all time. The writing and dialogue are absolutely incredible. There are so many great scenes like when Damon tells a Harvard snob that he spent 130 grand on an education he could have gotten for $1.50 in late charges at the public library. Or when Affleck goes on a job interview for Damon and asks for an out of pocket cash retainer. But the two scenes that stand out, that make this movie legendary in my opinion are the scene when Damon and Williams meet on the park bench, and when Damon and Affleck talk about their futures at the end of the move. The scene with Williams single-handedly won him the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in which he told Will Hunting that " If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable" . It's one of the best monologues in movie history and it totally defined a generation of people who used the internet to understand the finer life points. 

And the scene with Damon and Affleck was an asbolutely perfect way to end the movie. Not only because its a fantastic display of screenwriting, but also because most people can find a Will or Chuckie in their lives and this line summed up all of our thoughts. "Every day I come by your house and I pick you up. And we go out. We have a few drinks, and a few laughs, and it's great. But you know what the best part of my day is? For about ten seconds, from when I pull up to the curb and when I get to your door, 'cause I think, maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye. No see you later. No nothing. You just left. I don't know much, but I know that".


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So thats my list of 10 movies that I would watch for the rest of my life. I know I have left off a lot of classic movies, skipped over a few genres of movies, but as always I stand by my list. And I have said it before and I'll say it again...the great thing about top 10 lists are that no two lists are exactly the same and you can debate them forever. So I would love to hear your feedback and response to my list, as well as to see the 10 movies that other people would go with. I know I have promised a drinking game manifesto and I will promise to you all right now that I will release said Manifesto shortly. It has required MUCH more thought and time than I had planned.


Its great to be back blogging and I can't wait to hear the response that we get from this entry. So until next time, as always.....STAY CLASSY!