The Blessssing

Seeing that Christmas is less than a week away, I decided it was a great time to unveil the next top 10 list here at ETC. ETC. ETC. So as you may have guessed, given the time of year, this is the Top 10 Christmas Movies, according to me. But before I get to the list, there's something that's really bothering me that I'd like to bring to your attention. When did the word "mature" start being pronounced "ma-tour"? I hate when people say it like they were a character in a Jane Austen novel. Get off your proper high horse and say it the way its been pronounced for the last 200 years, "ma-chure". Am I the only one who finds this bothersome? Anyway....here's my Top 10 Christmas Movies and they are anything but "ma-tour"

10. Jingle All The Way- Did you really think I could leave this classic Ahnold film off the list. I wish I could rewind the clocks back a few years and show this film to every person in California who was planning on voting for Arnold as Governor and see if they wanted to reconsider. What says Christmas more then an Austrian bodybuilder yelling "Jingle all the Way"?

9. How The Grinch Stole Christmas- I mean the original cartoon version and not the live action Jim Carrey version. Its a Christmas staple, and yes it's not technically a movie but its got to be on the list. When the Grinch's heart grows three times its size at the end my eyes well up like a broken New Orleans levee. Too soon?

8. It's A Wonderful Life- Another Christmas classic although I have to admit I don't love this flick. It's black and white, its slow and I only think about Dana Carvey doing his Jimmy Stewart impressions instead of following the story. But at the end of the day its as much Christmas as holiday lights on the house, so I included it on my list. And I'm sure everyone has heard that "every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings".

7. Home Alone 2- Easily one of my favorite Christmas movies, even though its almost exactly like the original. I can't get enough of Marv, formerly of the Wet Bandits, but now a founding member of the Sticky Bandits. The brick throwing scene is hysterical and I still laugh every time Marv gets plunked in the face. I prefer the original but you can't go wrong with the sequel. "OHH YOUR COOKING FRANKIE!!"

6. Scrooged - This is often overlooked when you think about the best Christmas movies. But it's Bill Murray in the modern re-telling of Dickens' "A Christmas Carol". Its kind of scary for little kids, or older kids that get scared easily at movies. Being a huge fan of Bill Murray I find this very funny yet fits perfectly into the Christmas spirit and its also makes it so that I don't have to read or watch the original Dickens version and risk death by boredom. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

5. Trapped In Paradise - This is a Cazalet family tradition. Many people probably have never heard of this movie let alone seen it. Well I can promise you that you won't be disappointed and need to rent this before Christmas. It stars, guess who, Nic Cage as the older brother of two con men who have just been paroled a few days before Christmas. The two brothers are played by SNL alums Dana Carvey and Jon Lovitz and they inform Cage about a bank in a small town that could easily be robbed. Mayhem and hysterics ensue as they attempt to rob the bank. If that little description wasn't enough to sell you on this movie, let me try this....Nic Cage + Christmas Movie = ETC ETC ETC Hall of Fame. Go rent it.

4. Elf - This was back when Will Ferrell wasn't making ridiculous, over the top flops like Blades of Glory and Land of the Lost. Buddy the Elf is just a funny character and loves everything about Christmas, including the world's best cup of coffee. It's the most recent movie on this list and it deserves a top 5 ranking. There are so many great quotes and moments in this movie. "I just like smiling, smiling's my favorite" or "Your not Santa, you smell like beef and cheese". And it also has Zooey Deschanel (a sleeper cutie) and James Caan in a role as far from Sonny Corleone as you could ever imagine.

3. Home Alone - The sequel came in at #7 but the original gets the Bronze Medal. I really wanted to put this at number 2 and perhaps in a few years it will move up a spot. I love the quotes from this movie like "Buzz, your girlfriend...WOOF" or "I took a shower washing every body part with actual soap, including all my major crevices, including in between my toes and in my belly button which I never did before but sort of enjoyed". It's got a great cameo from John Candy and when Joe Pesci take a BB gun shot to his BB's, I crack up laughing like I had never seen it before. Little known fact about myself...this movie inspired the greatest "criminal act" of my childhood when at the age of 6, me and my two neighbors broke a screen window, climbed into my neighbors house when his parents weren't home, dragged a mattress into the living room, made a bag of popcorn, and started jumping on the mattress like Kevin McAllister while watching this movie. Our parents didn't find it very funny, but let me tell you this...it was awesome.

2. A Christmas Story - You know its a Christmas classic when TNT can play this movie for 24 straight hours on Christmas eve and you watch at least 6 hours of it ( or am I the only freak that does that). Who hasn't heard "You'll shoot your eye out"? So many great parts of this movie, like when the younger brother eats his food like a little piggy or when he falls down wearing so many layers of snow clothes that he can't get up, or being triple dog dared to lick a frozen pole...poor Flick (Flick? Flick who?) And who can resist the Leg Lamp, "Fragile, must be Italian". I even have a small, functioning leg lamp that my sister got me for Christmas on my nightstand.

1. Christmas Vacation - All of the previous 9 movies are great, but this is the Mecca of Christmas movies. It doesn't get any better then this. I've seen this movie hundreds of times, literally hundreds of time, and I still laugh as hard as I did the first time I saw it. "It's not going in our yard Russ, it's going in our living room". I could quote this movie all day. From Cousin Eddie to Aunt Bethany to Snots to the squirrel, this is Christmas movie perfection. "I learned everything I know about exterior illumination from you dad". I can only hope that someday my house is as bright and well decorated as Clark Griswolds. I'll leave you with one of my favorite, but perhaps overlooked lines of the movie when his wife Ellen asks him what he is looking at..."Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn... the clean, cool chill of the holiday air... an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer". It's so good I had to put two pictures just to get you in the Christmas spirit, the Griswold Christmas spirit that is....

Honorable Mentions:
The Santa Clause, The Polar Express, Bad Santa, Muppets Christmas Carol. Die Hard (I left this off my list simply because its the greatest action movie of all time and it just so happens to take place at a Christmas Party)

Well that's it for this edition. I hope you have a Happy Hanukkah, Festivus, Christmas, Kwanzaa or whatever it is you celebrate. So until next time, as always.....Stay Sweet!

End of Pride

For those that had not heard the news on ESPN, on Thursday December 3rd 2009 the Hofstra University Football program was terminated. In a unanimous decision by the board of trustees, the program was shut down, thus putting 84 students and 14 coaches out of school and work. One of those poor saps is yours truly.

And as all of this unfolded I began to think what the tell-all story would be like. There are alot of angles that could be played so I came up with a few that would work.

If it was going to be a chick flick it would be called "The Devil Wears Nike Windsuits".
If it was a Harry Potter book it might be called "The Program That Shall Not Be Named"
If it was a Dan Brown book, perhaps "Angels & Morons" would be appropriate.
If it was a High School Dramedy movie it might be called "Varsity Confused"

But as the layers peel back and more information surfaces the most accurate scenario is "Clear and Present Danger". The following is my understanding of the conversation that took place between the President of the University and the Athletic Director.

President: This football program represents a clear and present danger to the Hofstra community.
Athletic Director: They've been around for 70 years, we can't just get rid of them
President: Why not? it's our money. They're using our money.
Athletic Director: Are you suggesting a course of action sir?
President: The course of action I suggest is a course of action I can't suggest.

Basically, the President had an agenda from day one that he wanted to eliminate the program. This kind of thing doesn't just happen over night and it doesn't happen to a program as established as Hofstra was. It's convenient timing too, as the new Med school (a program that he announced when he became President a few years back) is set to open in the fall of next year, which apparently is in desperate need of funding . He wanted to make it look like it was an economic decision, when this was his plan from the start. And now he is trying to wipe his hands clean by pawning this off on the Board of Trustees, 12 men and women who don't work at the University, so he can come out clean on the other side. He probably said this to the board....

President: Let me make this very clear: this is your deal, not mine, so unless I have written authorization, this whole thing is over before it starts because I'm not going to be the only one left without a chair when the music stops.

So what now? There are some things I've always wanted to do. For instance. I want to be a sheppard. I want to move down to Nashville, get a nice spread, get some sheep and tend to them. The Pauper always talks about Ebbs and Flows, and perhaps I'm just knee deep in one really crazy Ebb. or would this be a Flow? I'm not really sure. Anyway, I've been in this position before, seeking a job in tough economy, but I made out alright once, and I'll make out alright again. So in the meantime I've got some things that I'm looking forward to.

Things I'm looking forward to During Unemployment:
1. Staying up late- I haven't seen an episode of Conan in months. I hear he is struggling so I will now be able to give my support. Every viewer counts
2. Toaster Strudels- I just like saying the word "strudel". Especially with a German accent.
3. TV show marathons- My usual suspects are Entourage and Seinfeld, but I might get crazy and try some shows I never got into before. Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia has been recommended by a few people who's opinion in this field I highly respect, Paulie Walnuts and John "Friends of the Captain Make it Happen" Deli (If any of the readers are interested in top of line, American made, Bob Villa-esque craftsmanship Cornhole Boards, just post a comment. Deli is the man who can make it happen. I've seen some of his products and they are the best I've ever seen)
4. Blogging- This is my Tebow moment. I started this blog during unemployment and kept it running while employed. My contributors are invaluable to this blog and one thing is certain...we will be better. I promise you one thing. A lot of good will come out of this. You will never see a blogger work as hard as I will the rest of the year and you will never see a team of contributors
work as hard as we will. God Bless.

Until next time, as always....Stay Sweet!

Cage is Twice as Nice

Hello ETC ETC ETC followers and welcome back. I was preparing for the next great Top 10 list when my thoughts were interrupted by the continuing news of Tiger-gate. Actually I hate when any scandal or intriguing story is labeled with "gate" at the end of it. It's lazy and uncreative. So I will invent a new term right now and it is....Tiger-spitzer. That kind of sounds like a fruity wine cooler that might be ordered on Sex and the City. I like it, let's roll with it.

So Tiger-spitzer continues to grow in curiosity as we seemingly can't get enough of this story. We're intrigued for the obvious reason: We love to see celebrities who appear to have it all screw up. And as the press and media consume this story like Katrina, I came to a fascinating realization...in a few weeks we're going to pretend like it never happened.

I'm going to give you a few examples of major scandals/affairs and the aftermath of them...

Kobe Bryant:

Had an affair, was accused of rape, the charges were dropped, as were all his sponsorships. The media was obsessed with this story. Everyone questioned how this will affect him. A few months later, he started playing basketball again, went on to win a championship and got his sponsorships back. Result: We could care less now

Alex Rodriguez:
Was the biggest name to admit to using steroids, calling it "a very loosey goosey time"(which is also my new favorite expression. It works while describing any scenario, try it out). Also had an affair with Madonna and a few strippers north of the border. The media ate it up like Tony Soprano on a Sunday dinner. A few months later, he returns to baseball, starts hitting a bunch of homeruns, dates Kate Hudson, wins a championship and we don't even mention the problems from the offseason. Result: We could care less now

Michael Vick:

Gets arrested for an interstate dog fighting ring. Somehow gets sentenced to two years in prison, loses all his sponsorships and is forced to take communal showers with men named Maurice and Skinny Pete. A few years later, he signs a multimillion dollar deal to return to play football. Result: We could care less now.

Jude Law:

Has an affair with the nanny and subsequently gets divorced from Sienna Miller. What an idiot. This isn't even defensible. I can't even fathom this. I mean have you seen Sienna Miller? Really Jude Law? The nanny? What was this guy thinking. I hope this ruins his career. Honestly. Look at her...

These are only a few examples and Tiger is just the latest and greatest example of a celebrity or athlete screwing up big time. But the reason we could care less is that we only care about our celebrities and athletes in the context that made them famous. We want to see Kobe taking over games, and A-Rod manning the hot corner. As long as they are doing what we expect them to do in their career then at the end of the day we don't care what they do off the field. It may dominate the headlines now, but once they get back to whatever it is they do, it becomes a non issue. And I can guarantee once Tiger tee's off at the Masters and puts on a dominating performance, we aren't even going to mention this little incident.

Switching gears, its time to return to an old staple of ETC ETC ETC. This past summer we unveiled the Nic Cage Movie Review System. It's simple, its informative and its 1000x better then the boring and played "star system".

The Taking of Pelham 123

This looked like it was an immediate candidate for a "Good, Bad Movie", being that Travolta was back in the saddle to play an over-the-top bad guy. If you need references see "Face/Off", "Swordfish", "Broken Arrow" or "The Punisher". But it has the always reliable and sometimes extraordinary Denzel, so I had mixed expectations. This is also a remake of a movie that Pasquale really enjoys, and he rarely labels a movies with a "go see it" as he did with the original of this movie. I actually saw this movie on a bus ride back from a football game, and I fell asleep about 20 minutes into the movie. But I blame that on my "riding in a vehicle sleep reaction" that I suffer from. So when it came in the mail, I was excited. Decent beginning, good cast, but unfortunately I was let down. There are a few too many "F-bombs" that just seemed forced from Travolta. I have no problems with "F-bombs" in movies, as Casino is one of my favorite movies. But these seemed like swears just to have swears in the movie, and not fitting of the situation. Once again Travolta overacts to the extreme and unfortunately Denzel mostly coasts through the movie. I don't yet know if it qualifies as a "Good, Bad Movie", but for now its straight bad. Which is a shame because I want as many Cage mustache pictures up here as possible. (It only gets two cages because its been a while since this awesome mug shot graced the blog)

"Pulse of the Rockies"

Well the month of November is officially in the books and so too is the epic mustache of Yahtzee. I know I am sad to see that man growth go, and am officially petitioning to Yahtzee to keep it going, see how thick it can grow. Who knows where it might take you. Look where a mustache took Tom Selleck. Anyway here is Yahtzee with his last picture update.

Hey All -

I made it! Me and Mr. Mustache lasted the whole month. And what a ride it was... The final picture is attached below.

Thanks again for all your support. I really appreciate your donations.

All the best,

Good Job by Yahtzee for growing a man's stache. You are now officially a gentleman and a scholar. The next step is to rock a tailored suit when you go out and drink only the finest scotch. Glenlivet, Glenfiddich, any kind of Glen really. Anyway that does it for this edition. I ask that if you read the blog, and enjoy it that you become a follower on the side of the webpage. We've been stuck on 34 for way too long, and are looking to make a charge up Google's list as the year comes to a close. So until next time, as always.....Stay Sweet!