A Salute to the 'Stache

First of all, welcome back everybody. It has been quite some time since my last post and that's because I was on vacation. There's way too much to write about in that week, so I'm not going to force it and not give it justice. So I'm writing about something altogether different. Last night I was clicking around, burning some time before the next installment of Entourage. There wasn't much to choose from so I settled on Miami Vice, a rather disappointing film overall but one thing did stand out....Colin Farrell's unreal mustache. You may or may not know that I like to dabble in the facial hair look. It makes me feel like a man. Much like Costanza's belief that a man should carry a wallet, I believe a man should grow a mustache at least once in their life.

So that led me to think about some of the greatest movie mustaches of all time and I settled on the 10 best, in my opinion. The criteria is simple....

1. It must be a stand-alone 'stache. Meaning that there can't be a beard, or a goatee or mutton chops (which is why Sam Jackson is eliminated from Pulp Fiction. As a facial hair combo, that's got to be one of the best, but on pure 'stache standards, it doesn't meet the criteria)
2. The only way you would actually grow a similar 'stache is if you made a high stakes bet with a friend
3. There is no 3

4. No Burt Reynolds. Period.

So here are my top 10 movie mustaches of all time.

10. Sascha Baron Cohen as Borat in Borat

It's not his 'stache that we all remember from this movie, but let's be honest, thats a serious growth. It's safe to assume that its also a real mustache because he has been playing this character for quite some time. But he also does a few other characters that don't have mustaches so I can't be sure on it. Either way that 'stache is....very nice.

9. Colin Farrell as Crockett in Miami Vice

I give this 'stache some extra kudos because its a fu man chu/ handlebar 'stache and you wouldn't expect it on a pretty boy like Colin Farrell. With that said this is one of the grossest hair and mustache combos ever recorded on film. The best and worst part is that this was not meant to be funny, it was meant to make him seem bad ass. Unintentional comedy is off the charts on this one.

8. Andy Samberg as Rod Kimble in Hot Rod

Many people might not have seen this movie, let alone the unreal 'stache that Rod sports. He believes all real men have mustaches, and I can't refute that claim. The only reason this isn't higher on the list is because Samberg didn't actually grow this, its a prop. If you haven't seen this movie, go rent it, you won't be disappointed. Samberg and his "I'm on a Boat"/ "Jizz in my Pants" crew wrote and star in this one and its got Kenny Powers and SNL friend Bill Hader.

7. Bruce McGill as D-Day in Animal House

Truly a pioneer of the "mustache is cool" lifestyle. It's one of the earliest power 'staches on record. It's full, bushy and it announces his presence with authority. D-Day didn't even have to speak because his 'stache said all you needed to know. It even curves up a little on the sides. Well done Bruce, well done.

6. Tom Skerritt as Viper in Top Gun

Now this is a statement 'stache. Especially because Viper is in a serious position of power, with the full force of the Navy behind him. One more fly-by of the tower and Maverick would be working a command post in Alaska by the night's end. This 'stache is very standard, but very amazing. It's not too bushy, and it's perfectly groomed. It even has as slight downward tilt. If I were to write a biography of this mustache I would call it "Perfection on the upper lip." This is probably the most practical of all the 'staches on this list, and I'm pretty sure everyone's dad rocked one similar to this at some point in their life. I know mine did.

5. Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday in Tombstone

I'm slightly bending my rules on this one because Val is sporting a visible soul patch. But when you're as bad ass as Doc Holliday, an exception can be made. Regardless of the soul patch we are still talking about a primetime 'stache. It's got great definition, and you can't pay enough money nowadays to find a moustache tailor that can turn a 'stache upwards like this. Only a guy with this 'stache can say "I'm your huckleberry" and still be cool. It's thin and wispy, unlike many of the others on here. It has a cool arrogance about it, as if he's saying "if you think its so easy, why don't you grow one?"

4. Paul Rudd as Brian Fantana in Anchorman

One of my personal favorites of all time. Partly because Brian Fantana is one of my favorite characters, but mostly because it's a pure money 'stache. He does have a slight trace of extra long sideburns, but there's enough space between the sideburn and the mustache to qualify him on this list. Only a man rocking this kind of 'stache can get away with wearing such colognes as London Gentleman, Blackbeard's Delight and Sex Panther

3. Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy in Anchorman

"Hey everybody, come see how good I look". And it's not because of the suits or straight teeth. It's all in the 'stache. This is an immaculately groomed and tailored mustache and I wouldn't expect anything less from Burgundy. He demands the same perfection from his upper lip as he does his expensive suits. This is also unique because there's a clear space between his nose and the top of the 'stache. It's stylish in a "my apartment has many leather bound books" kind of way.

2. Daniel Day Lewis as Bill the Butcher in Gangs of New York

The ONLY reason that this is not number 1 is because of the extra shaggy and bushy sideburns that he is sporting. But I have made an executive decision and decided it was just a fashion statement, and thus an extension of his hairstyle. Let's be honest this 'stache needed to be on the list and it needed to be this high. I defy anyone who thinks they are a man to grow something like this. Its thick, it's full and it turns upward like no other 'stache I've ever seen. Just think how much more amazing this would look if he had a completely clean shaven face and no sideburns. It would be epic. It would be the Mona Lisa of mustaches. Bottom line...this is a MAN'S 'STACHE

1. Kurt Russell as Wyatt Earp in Tombstone

This is the mustache by which all others are measured. What makes it best is that he is completely clean shaven on the rest of his face. No side burns, no soul patch, no stubbly beard to support it. Straight 'stache. What a statement. This mustache is so intense that it's almost a cartoon 'stache. It could make Yosemite Sam jealous. I would be proud to rock this mustache in real life. There just aren't enough superlatives to describe this 'stache. This mustache makes me want to be a better man.

Well there you have it ladies and gentleman. I know I probably am missing a few serious mustaches but in my mind this is the creme de la creme. If any of my readers are thinking of good stakes in a bet, make the loser grow a mustache on this list. If someone actually did that I think they would really be the winners of that bet. Girls would come out of the woodwork to get a piece of any of those 'staches. This may or may not be my swan song piece and if it is, I couldn't be more proud. But don't count me out because you can never keep a good man down. So until until next time, whenever that time may be....STAY SWEET

Attacking Some Al's

Hello ladies and gentleman, boys and girls. Welcome back to another edition of ETC. ETC. ETC. This morning as I was enjoying a nice bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats I was reading the New York Post, a highly informative newspaper with serious journalistic integrity. I came across an article about unemployed people who turn to blogging to pass the time. However ETC. ETC. ETC. was not mentioned. Instead they highlighted stupid blogs that complain about being unemployed. Well we don't complain here at ETC. We entertain. We ascertain. We maintain. Alright thats enough words that end in "tain".

Its the middle of July so naturally that means its 68 degrees in Connecticut. What happened to global warming, Al Gore? Why couldn't I think of some bogus scientific phenomenon and make a movie about it. I could create all kinds of incomprehensible pie charts and powerpoint displays and use fancy rhetoric to confuse people with a gentle Jerry Goldsmith score in the background. I can call it "A Convenient Lie". How do you like them apples, Al?

Anyway, this weekend I played in a golf tournament and once again myself, Dicky and Lenny didn't play up to the high standard needed to win a tournament in the prestigious Ridgefield Golf Course Men's League. But our conversation on the course reminded me of an email war of words with a man known as Al Fazi. He is the guy in charge of the handicap scores, which is like the guy who makes sure the butter machine is working at the movie theaters. Necessary, but no need to treat it like your Gene Hackman in Crimson Tide. So last summer Al sent me an email that is so absurd that I have decided to publish this word for word. Basically I posted my score 1 day after I was supposed to and he freaked out. But it's not like I'm playing in the Masters with Tiger. So here's what Al sent me...

I am truly very sorry that you have opened this can of worms. You should have read my email more closely and let sleeping dogs lie. I have options available to me that you will not like. Prior to the weekend being over, send me an email. You can either STAND YOUR GROUND AND PURSUE THIS FURTHER....OR INDICATE AN ERROR IN POSTING AND REQUEST THAT THE POSSIBLE DUPLICATE AND POSSIBLY INACCURATE SCORE BE DELETED FROM YOUR RECORD. Should your response indicate your wish to pursue this, please note that I have cc'd the Handicap Committee on this issue and you should be prepared to dance the dance........and trust me, you will dance.

Insane right? So here's what I wrote back....

Al, The second posting was an error and should be stricken from the record. But let it be know that I only posted this round as a direct response to your gustapo-esque and unnecessarily demeaning email. This is my first year as a member of the Men's League and am thus not privy to all the rules and etiquette that come with the membership. A simple gentlemanly email explaining it would have been much more appreciated and appropriate. And I don't dance for anyone, so don't threaten me like that ever again.

Why did I decide to share this little diddy with you all one year from when it happened. Because anniversaries are important. And I still don't dance for anyone.

"Picks of the Unknown Gambler"
MP4 here, just stoppin in to say hello. I've heard the critics say MP4 has been MIA because he is in a career rutt. Hes all washed up. Hes lost touch. I've even heard the critics say I've been lost at the plate since the semi finals of a presteigious wiffle ball tourney. Well I am here to say, you watch your tounge. Thanks in part to a genous staff here at ETC., ETC., ETC., I have been allowed to employ the "Mike Francessa Summer Schedule." 4 weeks off, 1 week on. So here it is.

All Star weekend in the Lou.

The Derby
Im takin: Ryan Howard. +250. I like him to edge "The Machine" in his own ball park. I bet Puljos throws up a crooked number in the first round to please the hometown faithful, allowing Howard to sneak in and capture the crown in the second. Howard was a winner in the event in 2006 and lost in the semis in 2007. Long shot, I like it. I likkkkke it A LOT: Nelson Cruz. +800. Yes, hes a long shot (see Giacamo, Rudy, and Whoopi Goldberg in Eddie). Hes +800 because 75% of the viewing audience watching the Derby prob. has never heard of him. But the rookie can hit em with the best of them. So take the money and run.

The Midsummer Classic
I can not believe I am about to write this, but I am. I am taking the Dogs and going with the National League. Giving the San Francisco Giants home field advantage in the World Series. Yeah you heard me right (See Nelson Cruz). The worst part about the All star game is that the game will probably come down to Freddy Sanchez against Andrew Bailey in the bottom of the 9th. Now that is must see TV. I guess Freddy Sanchez comes through, NL breaks the streak.

Career Juice: 10-11-2

In honor of All Star weekend in the gateway to the West I would like to give a shout out to St Louis favorite son: Nelly. No one can question that when "Country Grammer" hit shelves in the summer of 2000, it was the hottest, and still might be. Not to mention Nelly will dominate the celebrity softball game prior to the Home Run Derby. Suck on that Joe Buck.

"Video Theme of the Week"
We missed our theme for the weekend on Friday so I have a hybred combo of the Video of the Day and the Theme of the weekend. So here's an interesting take on some of the finer sports press conferences.

"What to Expect When You're Expecting"
We will check in with some of our correspondents that we haven't heard from in a few weeks. As MP4 noted, it is summer time and vacations are encouraged for our contributors. Also wednesday is the opening of the new Harry Potter movie. I am yet undecided if I will go on opening night because it will be a circus and I'm sure people will be dressed up, and I do not condone dressing up in costume to go to a movie. But by Friday I will have seen it and reviewed it with the Cage Rating System. And as Friday approaches so too does a vacation tradition that has been going on since 1994. And it will also explain my picture on this website and the funny/amazing/embarassing/spectacular hat that I am wearing. So until next time.....Stay Sweet.

D.C. Debauchery

WELCOME BACK LADIES AND GENTLEMAN...I missed my Monday post but that's only because Wednesday's post is so epic. I decided to keep a running diary of the 4th of July mayhem that ensueded when 5 people who have been friends since kindergarden reunited for a weekend of pure chaos. Now you might ask yourself if a weekend in our nation's capital resulted in any sight-seeing? And that's a fair question. But the answer is no. There was just too much drinking to be done. You might ask if we caught the fireworks show that was put on at our nation's capital. Again a fair question. But the answer is no. There was just too much drinking to be done. You see we were actually in Arlington, VA and not Washington D.C. But they are very close, so it's not like we can claim the long distance relationship as an excuse for not going into the city. So here is my running diary, as best as I can remember...

WARNING: The following contains graphic content including explicit language, vulgar behavior and excessive drinking. This blog has been rated R by the Blog Association of America. Parental Discretion is Advised.

Seriously, you may be disgusted by what ensues, so if you don't condone binge drinking on a holiday weekend, I suggest you turn away now.

Last chance.....

Day 1

12:37 PM: After a surprisingly smooth bus ride, we arrive in D.C. We are greeted by our two generous hosts, Cheesepot and Towel-Boy and our long lost friend Brody (Names have been changed for everyones sake)

1:59 PM : The first (and shockingly only) game of Yahtzee takes place. As usual Cheesepot wins. I am quite certain, though I can't prove it, Cheesepot has once again found a way to cheat.

3:46 PM: Cheesepot leads us to a kegger, but as it turns out, it is a family BBQ that happens to have a keg. It is not wild. There are young children present. Cheesepot takes this opportunity to become way more drunk than anyone else, slugging beers at an impressive pace. But since we are all familiar with Cheesepot's tolerance, we all become aware we are in for a long night.

6:11 PM: "I've never seen Cheesepot drunk without him showing himself"-Little Mermaid

6:13 PM: "I'm not gonna lie, I've cut the tag out of Cheesepot's underwear while he was wearing them"-Hollywood

8:11 PM : the first game of asshole is played. This is a long standing tradition and everyone involved is reminded of the times of old.

10:46 PM: Cheesepot nearly cramps while dancing to "Beat It". No lie. The song came on, Cheesepot freaked out, broke it down, then nearly suffered a terrible calf cramp by giving it everything he had. Truly a highlight moment of the weekend. Especially considering Cheesepot is a horrible dancer. See below.

1:12 AM: Somehow we rally to make it out to the bars in downtown Arlington, VA. "Thriller" comes on the loudspeaker and a dance off ensues. All I wrote down was "moonwalking all over the place" (Just ask Dicky, Tucker or Mance if you don't believe I break it down to MJ)

1:22 AM: Green monsters before last call. This was definitely not a good idea.

DAY 2

10:33 AM: As everyone slowly awakes from the night before, we realize two large gatorades were polished off by people who hadn't purchased them. It is a great mystery. We spend the next hour trying to "identify the phantom Gatorade drinker". While many suspect who drank them, it isn't confirmed until much later in the evening. More on that later.

10:47 AM: In an effort to rally the troops I think of an inspiration moment. I decide to play the following speech. It becomes an immediate hit and the theme of the weekend. Truly magical.

1:44 PM: The keg is officially tapped.

3:00 PM: The Bill Pullman ID4 speech is played again. As more of crowd has shown up since the first airing of the speech, we have decided to play this every hour, on the hour. For inspirational purposes.

3:14 PM: A truly monumental game of tap out is well under way. Only experienced professionals are playing in this game, a veterans game if you will. After a daring, brave and courageous performance, Towel-Boy was forced to tap out. Needless to say he was not pleased. In fact he never officially tapped out. He just said the following, word for word quote. Do not read if you are under the age of 18. "I'm not gonna tap out, I'll put my dick in your mouth".

3:15 PM: Towel-Boy throws a patented tantrum after being eliminated from the tap out game. This tradition dates back to 1990 after losing a game of Mario Bros for the original Nintendo. He was not pleased then, he is not pleased today. The game doesn't matter, the tantrum is always the same.

4:00 PM: Bill Pullman ID4 speech once again. Except this time I decide to follow it up with another inspirational speech. A tradition grows.

5:00 PM: The party goes silent and salutes to the Bill Pullman speech, a bonafide tradition by this hour. It is followed by the Braveheart speech, as you have discovered by the previous entry. I decided to continue the inspiration speeches, except this time it's a bit of stretch. But still inspiring.

5:16 PM: While engaged in a massive game of "baseball", Hollywood nearly makes a historic party foul. He turned a bit too quickly and sent the Carlo Rossi wine jug (which we were using as a beer pitcher) flying through the air. With the reactions of spiderman, he caught the bottle in mid air. A small amount spilled, but not nearly as disastrous as it could have been. At which point he yelled, at the top of his lungs...."AAAHHH TITTIES!"

5:57: PM: Although no one blames him after his amazing tap out performance, Towel-Boy has gotten a little too comfy on a chair and dozed off. He never fully passed out, because as I attempted to snap a pic of this, he sensed my presence and reacted accordingly....see below.

6:00 PM: See 5 PM

6:24 PM : As a new member of the South, Brody has embraced an intense card game known as "New Orleans". Basically I got Nagasaki-ed. It makes you drink alot. Here's what I wrote down in my phone "New Orleans is deadly".

7:00 PM: See 6 PM. No it doesn't get old

8:21 PM: While trying to tell a serious story, we all notice Cheesepot swaying his hand from his ass to Brody's face, as if to present a gift from his back pocket. It soon becomes evident that Cheesepot has farted...badly. Before we all can catch a wiff, Cheesepot says the following, "does it bother you to tell a serious story while a fart is wafted into your face?"

10:46 PM: While on the back patio, Towel-Boy starts talking a decent amount of trash to me. I have the movie "300" fresh on my brain and decide to go Spartan on his ass. I rip off my shirt, hockey fight style, and yell "THIS IS ARLINGTON!!!" Despite my best efforts it doesn't prompt Towel-Boy to react. But I wrote..."Showtime channels King Leonidas and challenges Towel-Boy by taking off shirt and yelling 'AAAOOOOYYYYOOOO'

10:49 PM: The keg is officially kicked. Fortunately we have some cans left over from the night before.

10:52: There is a lot of night. I don't remember writing that, but it was true at the time.

10:53 Each member of Team Mansausage does a beer bat. The only struggle came from Hollywood, who got more beer on his shirt than in his stomach. Which resulted in him saying "I am covered in beer. That came out quickly. Seriously, I am soaked. Why is no one else wet?"

11:01 PM: We all start celebrating our accomplishment by lifting the keg over our heads as if it were the Stanley Cup. If you had asked us at 10:33 AM (around the time when we all woke up) if we could finish the keg, we probably would have said "No chance". So we celebrated like Gretzky.

Oh and as for those missing Gatorades. Originally Towel-boy guessed that Brody and Hollywood were responsible for them. Brody took credit for crushing one of them, but the second remained a mystery. Although I should have been able to identify the second drinker. You see the night before, when Hollywood returned to the bar, he came with a nearly finished bottle of grape Gatorade. In fact he offered me some of it. The backwashed, very last sip. I just chose to forget this until the next day when Hollywood's lady brought it up. It was killing her to remain silent, but Hollywood lives by a certain rule when it comes to drinking someone's Gatorade in a moment of drunkenness....Deny till you die.

Until next time, as always.....Stay Sweet!

Cheesepots, Forefathers and Paupers

It's that time of the year ladies and gentleman, the 4th of July. One of the most epic weekends of the year. Unlike New Years Eve when sometimes the expectations exceed what actually happens, the 4th never disappoints. Unfortunately my plans were disappointed, but like my patriotic brethren of the 18th century I will not be defeated.

I'm assuming most people have Friday off, so I have decided to publish this post a day early. This is our 24th edition of ETC. ETC. ETC. and the critics are clamoring already. They think I'm a thing of the past, that the last few posts have not been up to the usual standard that we've grown accustomed to. "He's all washed up", "He's got nothing left in the tank" said a man also known as Cheesepot. Well Mr. Pot I'm here to answer the call. This weekend marks the return to glory of an insanely good looking and extremely badass association known as Team Mansausage. The origin of the name came at a time when all 5 of us were crammed into a small car for an extented road trip. So save your snide remarks and accept the name. All you need to know is the following quotation taken from an actual email from a displaced member of Team Mansausage...

"the big question is if the north is ready for the triumphant return of the "Great White Sexiness" as I am known in many circles of important people".

To honor our forefathers, the esteemed members of Team Mansausage will be invading our nation's capital to celebrate. Everything will be documented and a running diary "tell-all" will be aired on Monday to recap the action. Here's what you can expect...lots of games of tap-out, beer bats, mingling with beautiful D.C. babies, trash talking like Rasheed Wallace, a complete re-enactment of the final scene of "A Few Good Men" and an old, old wooden ship used during the civil war.

+ =

"The Pauper"

Before I present the final chapter of "The Tale of the Pauper: A Cross Country Trip of Enlightenment" I would like to say a few words. Consider this my epilogue. The short story about the Pauper is in many ways a landmark achievement. Not for me the author, but for the Pauper, the man who embarked on this epic journey. It was a bold and brave decision to stay in the backseat of your car for more than a month all by your lonesome. Only a person with strong moral fibers and an insatiable curiosity for the unknown could have managed a trip like this. Many people were skepticle of this idea, including myself, but I'm sure the Pauper can explain the merits of this trip way better than I can. Today the Pauper returned home, bringing to an end one of the greatest months of his life. He came back wiser, stronger and with a "castaway-esque" beard. I hope this short story will one day take life like "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button", a short story that grows over time, means different things to different people and eventually is made into a movie.

The Tale of the Pauper : A Cross Country Trip of Enlightenment

Chapter 9

The Long and Winding Road

(Narration by Morgan Freeman)

July 1, 2009 7:09 PM : Last blog update: passing linc and citizens in philly

As the final moments of the epic journey were approaching the Pauper took a few moments to reflect. Many years ago the great explorer George Mallory, who was to die on Mount Everest, was asked why he wanted to climb the mountain. "Because it is there", he responded. It is with that frankness and sense of adventure that has guided the Pauper along his trip. He had been to places he never would have imagined. Places like Muddy Gap, WY and Death Valley, CA. As the roads and cities became familiar again, the Pauper wondered what it would be like to rejoin society. To have to shower every morning, to be conscious of time, to make small talk about the weather with people you really don't like. I imagine its similar to the feelings that Red had in The Shawshank Redemption. Conflicting emotions of joy and sadness, relief and anxiousness.

The Pauper was just over 3 hours away from his hometown in the state of Connecticut. While part of him was upset to see the expedition come to an end, another part was glad that he would soon be with friends and family. Undoubtedly they will have plenty of questions for the Pauper and he couldn't wait to tell about life on the open road. It is ironic that the very last blog update comes from Philadelphia on this weekend of Independence. 233 years ago, in that very city, the foundations of Independence took form. The forefathers were embarking on something that many thought was insane and sure to fail. But they followed their beliefs and so did the Pauper.

The long and winding road had new meaning. It was no longer a Beatles song, it was a symbol for the great adventure that he just endured. Why did the Pauper do it? I can't be entirely sure. But I turn to a JFK speech for some guidance. William Bradford, speaking in 1630 of the founding of the Plymouth Bay Colony, said that all great and honorable actions are accompanied with great difficulties, and both must be enterprised and overcome with answerable courage. That sums up the Pauper and his journey pretty well to me.

Life is only a dream and we are the imagination of ourselves. In which case I imagine the Pauper to be a brave and noble man.

"Theme of the Weekend"

I was desperately searching for the Sandlot version of the Ray Charles song "America the Beautiful" but couldn't find it anywhere. So this will have to due. It's grainy and looks like the Zapruder film, but it's the best I could do. Enjoy.

"What to Expect When You're Expecting"

I will be documenting all the craziness of July 4th with a running diary live from D.C. Enjoy your fireworks, enjoy your BBQ's and enjoy your alcohol, safely of course. Happy 4th and until next time....Stay Sweet.

TM-why?

Ladies and gentleman I would like to take this time to rant. It's actually a continued rant from my previous post in which I complained about twitter. Our resident ranter has recently been in a happy place and like a pitcher tossing a perfect game, there's no need to jinx that. So the buck will be passed to me today.

My problem today is with TMZ. Sure it's just a microcosm of the bigger problem in America that includes reality tv, myspace and twitter but its a big one. Why must celebrities be forced to answer the dumbest questions ever asked of them at times when they just want to be left alone. Why do we care what they are doing? I imagine it must feel alot like an animal at the zoo. Sometimes the lion just wants to lay in the shade but has to deal with the obnoxious kid yelling at them to roar. And what makes it worse is that if a celebrity ignores the stupid questions, then when it airs on TV they spin it to make the celebrity look like a total jerk (they very well could be jerks in real life, but just because they want some privacy doesn't qualify them as jerks).

I would like to see what would happen if a celebrity followed around one of TMZ's reporters all day with cameras and asked them absurd questions? The celebrity would probably be arrested for harassment. But its totally acceptable for TMZ to do because they're papparazzi.

This also makes a case for a very interesting social experiment and could be used to settle a bet. Say the party who lost the bet was subject to 24 hour a day papparazzi treatment by the party who won the bet. Constant harrassment and ridiculous questions all day long and the losing party had to oblige. I know a few people who would cause havoc as the papparazzi. "Why didn't you recycle that bottle, do you not care about the planet?" "I saw you talking to Nancy in accounting, is it true you guys are having an inter-office affair?" Could be interesting.

It's a cheap source of entertainment and just like twitter is a cheap source of "journalism" it's completely ruining the "pure" forms like sitcoms and newspapers. So now we have tackled twitter and TMZ and coming soon...reality TV. It needs to be attacked. But for now lets get to the Pauper.

"The Pauper"
The Tale of the Pauper: A Cross Country Trip of Enlightenment
Chapter 8
Bayou Adventures
(Narration by Morgan Freeman)

June 27th, 2009 10:03 PM : Sleepin on the bayou tonight

California has been called the state of dreams. A place people go when they don't have anywhere else to go. This was and wasn't the case for the Pauper. He didn't go in search of fame and fortune. He went in search of something much more intangible. The feeling of life on the open road, the indescribable feeling of watching the sun set down behind the Pacific. And yet never in his wildest dreams would the Pauper have thought of sharing a glass of wine with Coppola or setting a new course record on the Malibu mini golf circuit. He made the most of his time in California and yet he could have stayed forever. The blue waves of the Pacific were everything he thought they would be. As the beauty of Malibu crossed over to the dryness of Death Valley, the Pauper realized it was time to leave. A few days of 100 + degree heat in the back of your car will make a man do crazy things. Especially when you have a beard that rivals ZZ Top's.

The Pauper made his peace with the Golden State and began to head back east. As he crossed over the southwestern parts of the U.S. he found it hard to comprehend just how flat the land was. It couldn't be more different than the hills of CT that he was so familiar with. Always the connousier of fine foods, the Pauper knew he had to hit New Orleans and sample the cajun cuisine. But not on Bourbon Street where commercial chain restaurants were everywhere. Instead he found a nice little joint just off the main road, with the bayou clearly in sight. He wanted to try it all, so he ordered an appetizer of crayfish and a bowl of gumbo soup. Savoring the rich flavors, he took his time and observed life on the bayou. It was very relaxed, as if there were no other places to go or people in the world. Completely satisfied with his bourbon chicken and seafood jambalaya the Pauper got into his condo on wheels and searched for a good place to rest his bones.

The bayou can be a relaxing place. But it can also be a terrifying place. I'm pretty sure there are species of animals that have yet to be discovered that live in those murky waters. Not to mention the gators and catfish that can swallow a human like it was a jello shot. But the Pauper had his trusty swiss army knife/imaginary best friend SAK by his side and knew he could handle anything that came his way. He found a perfect place to park the car, just off the road but close enough to the water so that he could hear the relaxing noises that nature provided. New Orleans was a little of the way on his trip back to the Constitution State, but the Pauper was glad he swung by. Before he parts ways with Louisiana, the Pauper knew he had to go to an old time jazz joint and hear the sweet musical melodies that have made the place famous. That's tomorrow, thought the Pauper, a man who lived for today.