WARNING: The following contains graphic content including explicit language, vulgar behavior and excessive drinking. This blog has been rated R by the Blog Association of America. Parental Discretion is Advised.
Seriously, you may be disgusted by what ensues, so if you don't condone binge drinking on a holiday weekend, I suggest you turn away now.
Last chance.....
Day 1
12:37 PM: After a surprisingly smooth bus ride, we arrive in D.C. We are greeted by our two generous hosts, Cheesepot and Towel-Boy and our long lost friend Brody (Names have been changed for everyones sake)
1:59 PM : The first (and shockingly only) game of Yahtzee takes place. As usual Cheesepot wins. I am quite certain, though I can't prove it, Cheesepot has once again found a way to cheat.
3:46 PM: Cheesepot leads us to a kegger, but as it turns out, it is a family BBQ that happens to have a keg. It is not wild. There are young children present. Cheesepot takes this opportunity to become way more drunk than anyone else, slugging beers at an impressive pace. But since we are all familiar with Cheesepot's tolerance, we all become aware we are in for a long night.
6:11 PM: "I've never seen Cheesepot drunk without him showing himself"-Little Mermaid
6:13 PM: "I'm not gonna lie, I've cut the tag out of Cheesepot's underwear while he was wearing them"-Hollywood
8:11 PM : the first game of asshole is played. This is a long standing tradition and everyone involved is reminded of the times of old.
10:46 PM: Cheesepot nearly cramps while dancing to "Beat It". No lie. The song came on, Cheesepot freaked out, broke it down, then nearly suffered a terrible calf cramp by giving it everything he had. Truly a highlight moment of the weekend. Especially considering Cheesepot is a horrible dancer. See below.
1:12 AM: Somehow we rally to make it out to the bars in downtown Arlington, VA. "Thriller" comes on the loudspeaker and a dance off ensues. All I wrote down was "moonwalking all over the place" (Just ask Dicky, Tucker or Mance if you don't believe I break it down to MJ)
1:22 AM: Green monsters before last call. This was definitely not a good idea.
DAY 2
10:33 AM: As everyone slowly awakes from the night before, we realize two large gatorades were polished off by people who hadn't purchased them. It is a great mystery. We spend the next hour trying to "identify the phantom Gatorade drinker". While many suspect who drank them, it isn't confirmed until much later in the evening. More on that later.
10:47 AM: In an effort to rally the troops I think of an inspiration moment. I decide to play the following speech. It becomes an immediate hit and the theme of the weekend. Truly magical.
1:44 PM: The keg is officially tapped.
3:00 PM: The Bill Pullman ID4 speech is played again. As more of crowd has shown up since the first airing of the speech, we have decided to play this every hour, on the hour. For inspirational purposes.
3:14 PM: A truly monumental game of tap out is well under way. Only experienced professionals are playing in this game, a veterans game if you will. After a daring, brave and courageous performance, Towel-Boy was forced to tap out. Needless to say he was not pleased. In fact he never officially tapped out. He just said the following, word for word quote. Do not read if you are under the age of 18. "I'm not gonna tap out, I'll put my dick in your mouth".
3:15 PM: Towel-Boy throws a patented tantrum after being eliminated from the tap out game. This tradition dates back to 1990 after losing a game of Mario Bros for the original Nintendo. He was not pleased then, he is not pleased today. The game doesn't matter, the tantrum is always the same.
4:00 PM: Bill Pullman ID4 speech once again. Except this time I decide to follow it up with another inspirational speech. A tradition grows.
5:00 PM: The party goes silent and salutes to the Bill Pullman speech, a bonafide tradition by this hour. It is followed by the Braveheart speech, as you have discovered by the previous entry. I decided to continue the inspiration speeches, except this time it's a bit of stretch. But still inspiring.
5:16 PM: While engaged in a massive game of "baseball", Hollywood nearly makes a historic party foul. He turned a bit too quickly and sent the Carlo Rossi wine jug (which we were using as a beer pitcher) flying through the air. With the reactions of spiderman, he caught the bottle in mid air. A small amount spilled, but not nearly as disastrous as it could have been. At which point he yelled, at the top of his lungs...."AAAHHH TITTIES!"
5:57: PM: Although no one blames him after his amazing tap out performance, Towel-Boy has gotten a little too comfy on a chair and dozed off. He never fully passed out, because as I attempted to snap a pic of this, he sensed my presence and reacted accordingly....see below.
6:00 PM: See 5 PM
6:24 PM : As a new member of the South, Brody has embraced an intense card game known as "New Orleans". Basically I got Nagasaki-ed. It makes you drink alot. Here's what I wrote down in my phone "New Orleans is deadly".
7:00 PM: See 6 PM. No it doesn't get old
8:21 PM: While trying to tell a serious story, we all notice Cheesepot swaying his hand from his ass to Brody's face, as if to present a gift from his back pocket. It soon becomes evident that Cheesepot has farted...badly. Before we all can catch a wiff, Cheesepot says the following, "does it bother you to tell a serious story while a fart is wafted into your face?"
10:46 PM: While on the back patio, Towel-Boy starts talking a decent amount of trash to me. I have the movie "300" fresh on my brain and decide to go Spartan on his ass. I rip off my shirt, hockey fight style, and yell "THIS IS ARLINGTON!!!" Despite my best efforts it doesn't prompt Towel-Boy to react. But I wrote..."Showtime channels King Leonidas and challenges Towel-Boy by taking off shirt and yelling 'AAAOOOOYYYYOOOO'
10:49 PM: The keg is officially kicked. Fortunately we have some cans left over from the night before.
10:52: There is a lot of night. I don't remember writing that, but it was true at the time.
10:53 Each member of Team Mansausage does a beer bat. The only struggle came from Hollywood, who got more beer on his shirt than in his stomach. Which resulted in him saying "I am covered in beer. That came out quickly. Seriously, I am soaked. Why is no one else wet?"
11:01 PM: We all start celebrating our accomplishment by lifting the keg over our heads as if it were the Stanley Cup. If you had asked us at 10:33 AM (around the time when we all woke up) if we could finish the keg, we probably would have said "No chance". So we celebrated like Gretzky.
Oh and as for those missing Gatorades. Originally Towel-boy guessed that Brody and Hollywood were responsible for them. Brody took credit for crushing one of them, but the second remained a mystery. Although I should have been able to identify the second drinker. You see the night before, when Hollywood returned to the bar, he came with a nearly finished bottle of grape Gatorade. In fact he offered me some of it. The backwashed, very last sip. I just chose to forget this until the next day when Hollywood's lady brought it up. It was killing her to remain silent, but Hollywood lives by a certain rule when it comes to drinking someone's Gatorade in a moment of drunkenness....Deny till you die.
Until next time, as always.....Stay Sweet!
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