Attacking Some Al's

Hello ladies and gentleman, boys and girls. Welcome back to another edition of ETC. ETC. ETC. This morning as I was enjoying a nice bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats I was reading the New York Post, a highly informative newspaper with serious journalistic integrity. I came across an article about unemployed people who turn to blogging to pass the time. However ETC. ETC. ETC. was not mentioned. Instead they highlighted stupid blogs that complain about being unemployed. Well we don't complain here at ETC. We entertain. We ascertain. We maintain. Alright thats enough words that end in "tain".

Its the middle of July so naturally that means its 68 degrees in Connecticut. What happened to global warming, Al Gore? Why couldn't I think of some bogus scientific phenomenon and make a movie about it. I could create all kinds of incomprehensible pie charts and powerpoint displays and use fancy rhetoric to confuse people with a gentle Jerry Goldsmith score in the background. I can call it "A Convenient Lie". How do you like them apples, Al?

Anyway, this weekend I played in a golf tournament and once again myself, Dicky and Lenny didn't play up to the high standard needed to win a tournament in the prestigious Ridgefield Golf Course Men's League. But our conversation on the course reminded me of an email war of words with a man known as Al Fazi. He is the guy in charge of the handicap scores, which is like the guy who makes sure the butter machine is working at the movie theaters. Necessary, but no need to treat it like your Gene Hackman in Crimson Tide. So last summer Al sent me an email that is so absurd that I have decided to publish this word for word. Basically I posted my score 1 day after I was supposed to and he freaked out. But it's not like I'm playing in the Masters with Tiger. So here's what Al sent me...

I am truly very sorry that you have opened this can of worms. You should have read my email more closely and let sleeping dogs lie. I have options available to me that you will not like. Prior to the weekend being over, send me an email. You can either STAND YOUR GROUND AND PURSUE THIS FURTHER....OR INDICATE AN ERROR IN POSTING AND REQUEST THAT THE POSSIBLE DUPLICATE AND POSSIBLY INACCURATE SCORE BE DELETED FROM YOUR RECORD. Should your response indicate your wish to pursue this, please note that I have cc'd the Handicap Committee on this issue and you should be prepared to dance the dance........and trust me, you will dance.

Insane right? So here's what I wrote back....

Al, The second posting was an error and should be stricken from the record. But let it be know that I only posted this round as a direct response to your gustapo-esque and unnecessarily demeaning email. This is my first year as a member of the Men's League and am thus not privy to all the rules and etiquette that come with the membership. A simple gentlemanly email explaining it would have been much more appreciated and appropriate. And I don't dance for anyone, so don't threaten me like that ever again.

Why did I decide to share this little diddy with you all one year from when it happened. Because anniversaries are important. And I still don't dance for anyone.

"Picks of the Unknown Gambler"
MP4 here, just stoppin in to say hello. I've heard the critics say MP4 has been MIA because he is in a career rutt. Hes all washed up. Hes lost touch. I've even heard the critics say I've been lost at the plate since the semi finals of a presteigious wiffle ball tourney. Well I am here to say, you watch your tounge. Thanks in part to a genous staff here at ETC., ETC., ETC., I have been allowed to employ the "Mike Francessa Summer Schedule." 4 weeks off, 1 week on. So here it is.

All Star weekend in the Lou.

The Derby
Im takin: Ryan Howard. +250. I like him to edge "The Machine" in his own ball park. I bet Puljos throws up a crooked number in the first round to please the hometown faithful, allowing Howard to sneak in and capture the crown in the second. Howard was a winner in the event in 2006 and lost in the semis in 2007. Long shot, I like it. I likkkkke it A LOT: Nelson Cruz. +800. Yes, hes a long shot (see Giacamo, Rudy, and Whoopi Goldberg in Eddie). Hes +800 because 75% of the viewing audience watching the Derby prob. has never heard of him. But the rookie can hit em with the best of them. So take the money and run.

The Midsummer Classic
I can not believe I am about to write this, but I am. I am taking the Dogs and going with the National League. Giving the San Francisco Giants home field advantage in the World Series. Yeah you heard me right (See Nelson Cruz). The worst part about the All star game is that the game will probably come down to Freddy Sanchez against Andrew Bailey in the bottom of the 9th. Now that is must see TV. I guess Freddy Sanchez comes through, NL breaks the streak.

Career Juice: 10-11-2

In honor of All Star weekend in the gateway to the West I would like to give a shout out to St Louis favorite son: Nelly. No one can question that when "Country Grammer" hit shelves in the summer of 2000, it was the hottest, and still might be. Not to mention Nelly will dominate the celebrity softball game prior to the Home Run Derby. Suck on that Joe Buck.

"Video Theme of the Week"
We missed our theme for the weekend on Friday so I have a hybred combo of the Video of the Day and the Theme of the weekend. So here's an interesting take on some of the finer sports press conferences.

"What to Expect When You're Expecting"
We will check in with some of our correspondents that we haven't heard from in a few weeks. As MP4 noted, it is summer time and vacations are encouraged for our contributors. Also wednesday is the opening of the new Harry Potter movie. I am yet undecided if I will go on opening night because it will be a circus and I'm sure people will be dressed up, and I do not condone dressing up in costume to go to a movie. But by Friday I will have seen it and reviewed it with the Cage Rating System. And as Friday approaches so too does a vacation tradition that has been going on since 1994. And it will also explain my picture on this website and the funny/amazing/embarassing/spectacular hat that I am wearing. So until next time.....Stay Sweet.