Turkey Blog

Hola to the ETC faithful. It's been a few weeks and I've had a lot of things percolating in my hopper (in case you were wondering, I got a hopper). As my favorite holiday approaches, we here at ETC. ETC. ETC. have a LOT to cover. We have a mustache update from Yahtzee, a Fab 5 from Pasquale and return to glory from MP4 that you can't miss. This is a lengthy post but I promise it's one of our finer performances.

Our good friend Yahtzee has been raising money for prostate cancer by growing a mustache. I believe that you don't need a reason to grow a stache, but if you do, what better motive then raising money for a good cause. In our last post, Yahtzee sent us his ground zero stache, and now we have an update to see how the furry friend has been growing.

Pulse of the Rockies

Hey Gang -

It's been a while and I wanted to share my progress. Mr. Mustache has been doing work; he's well on his way to respectability. Currently, he qualifies as "dirty".

Be thankful many of you don't live here and have to see him on a daily basis. I'm happy I don't have to look at me.

The picture below is as of November 15th.

Hope all is well and thanks again for donating!




Yahtzee, let me say this: There is nothing dirty about that 'stache. I believe the word you were looking for is "distinguished". Remember all great men rock a stache at some point in their lives, only the brave do it while young and single. I am looking forward to your next picture update.


"Fab 5"

It's time for another installment of the infinitely popular Fab 5, 5 to Hate. This is a first for the Fab 5 as Pasquale has so much hate for a particular person that he had to include them again in his list. I must say that I could not agree more.

Its been a few weeks since our last post and the issues below have been bothering me

Five to hate

1. Elizabeth Lambert - if you aren't familiar with this girl, take a moment and search her name on you tube. She went absolutely nuts on some nice mormon girls who probably prayed for her rather than talked about how much of a psycho she was. In my athletic career i was never the cleanest player in terms of taking shots at people, but even i find this just ridiculous. The worst part about this is now whenever someone does something that makes them look like a scumbag, they go to counseling or rehab, find god, and then all is forgiven. That course of action is an autographed get out of jail free card. I'm going to quote a wise man in saying "you're just an asshole elizabeth....it's not an illness"

2. Spencer Pratt - This marks a first for the five to hate, a repeat visitor. Spencer has taken issue with Al Roker. Come on, really, Al Roker? If anything he should bash him because he's a weatherman and they are wrong 80% of the time. I might even show spencer a little respect if he quoted larry david and told al there was a jet stream of bullshit coming out of his mouth. But rather spencer attacked Roker via twitter, saying things such as You look very sick? Do you always look like your about to die? How old are you 97? You should retire asap- No one would even know?" Spencer, you're an asshole. keep your mouth shut. you should take your own suggestion and retire because no one would miss you and your idiotic comments.

3. Chase - Here's the link for this chase commercial that angers me, if you haven't seen it, take a moment to familiarize yourself with it
http://www.gawkk.com/chase-sapphire-commercial/discuss
The sad thing about this commercial is that this poor guy just wants to do something nice with his wife. He probably works hard and doesn't get to spend as much time with her as he'd like, so as a result he trys to think of all the nice things they could do together. Instead, she buys a dress. Rather than do something together, she'd rather have a dress. Infuriating. As a result of this commercial, i have canceled my chase credit card. this is not a lie, i'm done with chase. tupac says in one of his songs "fuck bad boy as a staff record label and as a mother fucking crew" i find this quote particularly applicable here as well " fuck chase as a bank, credit card company and as a motherfucking crew"

4. Blue tooth ear pieces - I've got no problem with these in a car. Its safe and allows you to keep both hands on the wheel. i get that. But where we run into problems is when you're walking around with that head set on. You not only look like a complete asshole, but its really confusing when someone talking and you think they're talking with you, but they're talking to the person on the ear piece. Do us all a favor, when you get out of the car, take the head set off and pick up your cell phone.

5. Black Friday - who in their right mind would get up at 3am and go shopping? It insane. The night after thanksgiving is supposed to be about food induced comas. Not about getting up and going to walmart or best buy to try and save a few bucks. But if you must go shopping, try and keep it civil. We'd rather not hear about another person who was trampled to death by people running for a sale. No price on a tv is so good that another person deserves to be hurt.

Finally, enjoy the next few days off, eat up, and have a happy and safe thanksgiving.

In case you all have forgotten from my last post, Pasquale has a very active Thanksgiving in front of him. He has 2 full Thanksgivings, something I am incredible jealous and in awe of. So Pasquale will be giving me text message updates after every food installment, from the antipast, appitizers, main course right up to the dessert. We will give you all a full recap of the events in our next post.

"Picks of the Unknown Gambler"

Once upon a time there was a wise and profitable gambler by the name of MP4. He made a lot of picks and won a lot of money. No one thought he was real until a small time books-maker came after his racket. What does MP4 do? He kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills their parents and their parents' friends. He burns down the houses they live in, the stores that they work in, he kills people that owe him money. And like that...he was gone. Underground. Nobody has seen him since. MP4 became a myth, a spook story gamblers tell their kids at night. "Pay your debts, or MP4 will get you". And no one ever really believes.

Pasquale always said, "I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him". Well I believe in God and the only thing that scares me is picking against MP4. My guess was that no one would hear from him again, but I was wrong......

MP4 Gives Thanks to All

I'd like to first thank the many readers for their unquestioned support for MP4 over the past couple of months. As many of you know it's been a long and wild journey back to Etc., Etc., Etc. It started with a divorce, climaxed with a stint in rehab, and concluded with a re-dedication to the man upstairs. And as a wise women once told me, "Nuevo Ano, Nuevo Vida". For those non-Spanish speaking readers out there, it translates to "Clean Slate". I'm a new man, and with a new man comes a new record: 0-0-0. Some may call it a comeback, other refer to it as a rebirth, or even a "Ricky Williams". Let me just tell you right now this is gonna be a Ricky Williams circa Week 11 2009. I'm back, and if there is one thing a straight jacket can't cure, it's the fever. The Betting Fever.

The Mess @ The Star -13.5 - I have trouble picking against The Star on America's Most Hungover Day. The Raiders had an upset in the Black Hole last weekend, and if there is anything we know about the Raiders, its just when you think there is hope, Raider Nation comes crashing down in a heap of flames. Expect flames and a Turducken for Marion Barber.

Munster -10 @ Motown - If Dante Culpepper was a Turkey he would have been killed 8 years ago. Too bad this wasn’t Thanksgiving 2001, then this would be a tough call.

Big Blue @ Belichick's Baby Boy + 6.5 - A short week for the both teams, but the Giants have to travel across the country after playing a physical OT game, only to find a more physical team awaiting. Orton is back, and McDaniel's will have what's left of the Giants secondary running like Turkeys with their heads cut off….LOCK IT UP!

So when Aunt Marge starts to argue about the merits of Tryptophan, or Uncle Junior tells you about Thanksgiving '64 when he drank too much moonshine, walk into the other room and dial up your local wise guy, or log on to your favorite gambling website located in a one room split in the Northern Antilles, and lock in your picks. Loosen up that belt buckle, shift the recliner into position, throw another log on the fire, grab a bowl of stuffing and some pecans yams, and give thanks to The League.

You can thank me later.


MP4's favorite Thanksgiving Moment…



I hope you all didn't lose interest due to the length, but I've said it before and I will say it again. If you have a short attention span and are more interested in TMZ-ization of creativity I suggest you go elsewhere for your blog fix. But if you're still here I think you have been entertained. I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving, enjoy the "4 F's", Food, Football, Friends and Family. So until next time, as always.....Stay Classy.

NY Sports Are Letting Me Down

Let me start by saying....Samsonite, I was way off. I thought Pedro was going to make his last defiant stand in Game 6, but instead the Yankees celebrated their 27th World Championship. I guess it's time to send ol' Pedro to the glue factory.

So the Yankees are champions again, what else is new. The majority of my friends are Yankees fans, and I'm fine with that, I hope they are happy. I can easily interact and be friends with them because most of them are not outwardly obnoxious. However that is not the case for all yankee fans (actually for all fans in general). I would like to tell you all about one of the most agonizing sports situations I have ever been in.

For Game 6 I decided to go out to a bar with a coach I work with, a LARGE man who played defensive tackle at Boston College. I only mention this because he took full advantage of the 25 cent wing special by ordering 80 wings for the two of us. We almost finished them, and when the game got out of hand, people were actually watching us to see if we could finish them. We didn't but we had to polish off about 60. I digress....working in Long Island, about 20 minutes from Yankee Stadium, every sports bar within a 40 mile radius was a Yankee bar. So it goes without saying that I was rooting hard for the Phillies, not just because of my dislike of the Yankees, but so that it would be an enjoyable night. It wasn't. They were chanting "DEREK JETER", "TWENTY SEVEN" and many other obnoxious incantations. By the 7th inning I could tell this was not going to end well for me, and I decided after almost 3 hours of suffering I had to get out. I think the Chinese Water Torture might have been a better alternative. And I had to deal with the ridiculous accents and egos that just made the atmosphere even more unbearable. The Pauper, wise and enlightened that he is, told me I will be a better person for dealing with this. However, I have yet to see the benefits.

Switching gears, I decided to get in touch with Steamin Willie Beamen, because it had been a while since he made an appearance on the blog. Steamin' was suffering from a massive case of writer's block and as it turns out he just needed some inspiration from my New York Giants. The G-Men have hit a rough patch (I'm being generous) and as the Patriots fan that he is, he couldn't help but take a few shots at the boys in blue. Now I have a strict "no censoring" rule for the contributors, so I will air the piece as he intended. But before you read this piece just think about the disclaimer that comes before a movie.

The views and opinions expressed are that of its author and do not necessarily reflect the views and opinions of the ETC corporation, it's creator, or any affiliate programs associated with ETC. ETC. ETC. They are solely the views of its creator, Steamin Willie Beamen.

Steamin' Willie Beamen

Since When Does J.D. Drew play QB for the New York Giants?

The joy of writing this spot comes at the expense of three of my good friends. Not only does the fearless leader of the blog hopelessly devote himself to the big blue bum crew but two of my buddies from Maine love the hopeless helpless New York Little Giants. Their pain over the last few weeks has been such a joy to listen to and watch that I can not imagine a better situation. Its like having Christmas four weekends in a row. It seems like it happened so fast. I mean just 2.5 years ago I was on my hands and knees taking it like an inmate from all these idiots who got the pleasure of divine intervention as the haunted David Tyree made not only the most improbable catch in Super Bowl history but Eli Manning channeled his inner Mike Vick and escaped three different defenders who were tracking him in the backfield only to close his eyes drop his back shoulder and throw the ball in the air hoping that God may guide it into the hands of a horrible receiver who would need to hold on while getting hit by the assassin Rodney Harrison. That was a long run on sentence but it needed to be said and read with out pause so as not to prolong the misery that comes with that memory. And it is the single event that changed my entire outlook on whether miracles were possible. I do not want to discount what the Giants were able to do by beating the Pats but the stars aligned that night and they seem to have lost that connection ever since.

In my opinion the loss of players like Mike Stra, CheddarPlax, G-Bril, Hair Mitchell, and others is the easy way for Chris Carter and his friends to explain why the ggggggg-men have lost their luster. The reality of the situation is that it is just the opposite. The problem is the guy who still remains not the guys who have left. The issue lies on the shoulders of one often criticized and often misunderstood Eli Manning. I went into Sunday thinking there is no chance that a Super Bowl MVP with the better team at home against a west coast team that isn’t that good, the same team that he forced his way out of when they gave him the honor of not only being their number one pick but being the number one pick overall. This guy had everything to prove and still found a way to get out dueled by the foul mouth from the south, a guy who may be the complete opposite personality and a much better QB. How does he continue to be this fun loving awww shux type of guy? I want to go a little off the reservation and compare the guy to another fun loving loser J.D. Drew.

Now I find myself looking at both of these guys and coming to the same conclusion…they may not be “losers” but they are definitely not the guys you want standing next to you when shit hits the fan. Forget their respective sports, if a fight was going to break out they would be the last two picked. You might just send them both after each other knowing nothing bad would happen to either of them, other then mystery injuries and some awkward conversation. It is amazing to think that Giants fans have been excited about this guy. If his brother and father did not exist no one would even think this guy was good. I mean he plays football but can’t throw the ball when its cold? How much of a puss is this guy. I would take Brett Favre drunk perked out of his mind in a wheel chair because I would know that he would die for that inch. Come on people what is the big problem with realizing that Eli is J.D.?

To continue on the thread of guys who are still on the roster who are causing the problem look at the running back situation. It blows my mind that the best part of the entire franchise has been their ability to accumulate running backs and offensive lineman and of the guys that they got rid of (Ryan Grant and Derrick Ward) they kept Brandon Jacobs and Ahmad Bradshaw??? I do not claim to know everything about everything or even anything about anything but I can say that when I am looking for a running back that can tote the rock 25 times a game I surly would not want two complementary backs like Jacobs or Bradshaw. I would want the guy who is a combination of both, i.e. Ward or Grant.

Those two issues are just part of the problem. The fact of the matter is that the Jints are going to need to find an identity or they will suffer the same fate as teams like the 09 Boston Red Sox or the 00-08 Yankees. Football is about leadership, balls, and scoring in the red zone. I wonder every day if the Pats had just rolled a safety to Plax we never ever ever would have had to consider Eli Manning as a super star because all he is, is another J.D. Drew. Convincing people he is good because of “potential” and their “even keel”. That is crap. Anyone who has ever seen Ali, Jordan, Favre, Brady, Magic, Manny, or Ray Ray know that personality not only matters it sometimes makes the difference. I am not saying the Giants are doomed but I would put a “look out” on the rest of their season and truthfully the rest of the J.D. Manning era.

-Steamin' Willie Beamen

There you have it everybody. It pained me to post that, but I can't argue with some of his points. The Giants have been miserable the past 4 weeks and the blame, whether justly or unjustly, falls on the QB and the Head Coach. Eli has been up and down, but during the losing streak he has been down. Now their secondary is depleted and potentially season threateningly bad, but we need more consistency from Eli.

I will leave you today with a little diddy from our friend Pasquale. He is gearing up for another Fab 5, but during a recent conversation about Thanksgiving, Pasquale told us how he attends 2 Thanksgiving dinners. This amazed me, as Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. I wanted to know everything, so he explained it as only Pasquale can. I give you Pasquale......

i'll break it down in terms of tempos for a college practice, the tempos being

live - full go, cut blocks, full game conditions
thud - fit into your blocks and set your pads, basically the same as live minus cuts, but keeping everything high for the most part
tag - get into position to make the play and just let them go, basically only reserved for a friday practice

Antipast - Live
Time between antipast and turkey - tag (primarily candy and chips, salsa, etc during this stage)
First main meal - thud (still trying to recover from the antipast, but dont want to blow my load and ruin the other parts of the upcoming meals)
First Desert - Live (i lose control around cannolis, sofgliatelle, cookies, pie, etc etc, etc)
Second appetizers- live (maryellen's mother makes increddible spinach balls)
Second dinner - thud
Second Desert - live

Food coma

Pedro's Last Stand

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, welcome to the Big Show. I'm writing to you today because its been a few years since baseball has had a storyline like the one that is brewing in the Bronx tonight. If you are a sports fan then you should be thankful that you are being blessed with theater that is almost never seen in baseball. At face value, you've got just another Game 6 with yet another chance for the Yankees to win the World Series. But look deeper and you will see the plot thickens.

It would appear that all the signs point to a significant Yankee advantage tonight. The game is in the Bronx, a place they rarely lose and they have their trusty veteran on the mound in Andy Pettitte, a "Core-4" guy who helped build the current dynasty along with Jeter, Rivera and Posada. And all that stands between the Yankees and their 27th Championship is a man no larger than the average female. A man that every Yankee fan loves to hate. That man is old foe Pedro Martinez.

Pedro is no doubt a first ballot Hall of Famer and in his prime was the best pitcher in baseball for a span of 5 years. Once an electric and intimidating pitcher, he is now crafty and methodical , no longer able to throw a 97 mph fastball but instead relies on his changeup and curveball. As a Red Sox he was the one guy that was most hated by Yankee fans. Not only did he love plunking Jeter and A-Rod, he also threw 74 year old Don Zimmer to the ground during a bench clearing brawl. He was a key member of the '04 team that pulled the greatest comeback in the history of sports as the Red Sox came back from a 3-0 deficit to win the American League Championship (I had to mention it). He was also famous for calling the Yankees his "daddy", a comment that prompted the always popular chant "Who's Your Daddy" which will no doubt be echoing through Yankee Stadium tonight. So why should you be excited about this? Let me try and explain.

Pedro lives for the big stage. He feeds off of opposing crowds and seems to elevate his game when everyone counts him out. What we saw from him in Game 2 was a pure competitor. He had no business throwing as well as he did, and aside from 2 bad pitches that resulted in home runs, he pitched a gem. After Game 2 you figured Pedro would never get another chance to silence the Yankee crowd but alas here we are. This very well could be Pedro's last game, but its safe to assume this is the last big game he will ever pitch in. Tonight is Pedro's last stand. Can he channel the young Pedro and bring us to a Game 7? Or like a more famous last stand, will he fall like Custer? I think Pedro will shine. I think he's got one vintage performance left in the tank. If anyone saw him walk off the field in Game 2, you saw him look up at the Yankee fans and gave a grin/smirk/smile. I hope he was thinking, "I want one more shot". Tonight he gets that shot, and we will find out what Pedro Martinez has left.

On the other side, and perhaps equally as compelling, is Andy Pettitte. He is making a case for his status as a Hall of Fame pitcher, and a win tonight would certainly help his argument. And like Pedro, this very well could be his last time he walks out onto the mound. He's the veteran that's been here before. Throughout the whole Yankee run and with more famous guys around him like Clemens and Wells and Cone, Pettitte has been the rock. Yankee fans trust him, and you expect him to deliver. But here's the interesting caveat, he will be pitching on 3 days rest. That's not unheard of but, for our less informed baseball readers, usually pitchers go on 5 days rest. Pettitte is getting up there in age (he's 37) and its going to be interesting to see how sharp the old man is on short rest. Essentially your asking him to get 7 innings of solid pitching to get the ball to Mariano Rivera. I think Pettitte will be good, but can he go 7 innings is the question. I'd be concerned if he can get 6 strong, let alone 7. But he too is a competitor and I'm hoping for a great performance by both pitchers.

Tonight's game almost has the feel of one of my favorite sports movie, and very underrated sports movie in my opinion, "For the Love of the Game". You can make an argument that both pitchers are in the position of Billy Chapel (played to perfection by Kevin "the Cos" Costner) looking for one more shot at glory. I don't foresee a perfect game, lets not get carried away, but I think 1 of them will rewind the clocks and deliver a great performance.

As a fan of the game I can only hope for a Game 7. If you don't know by now (then you haven't been reading my blogs) I don't like the Yankees, so you can make an argument that I'm biased in my opinions in that I want the Phillies to win tonight. But Game 7 is a rarity in sports, and I find that baseball Game 7's are more exciting and dramatic than any other sport's Game 7. In a close game every pitch matters, every scenario has extra meaning, and every pitcher becomes available regardless of when they last pitched. Just saying the words "Game 7" gets me excited. I hope tonight's game is everything that I'm making it out to be. Otherwise I just wasted a lot of time and effort.

Now let's change gears for a hot second. This blog has been a source of entertainment and a place of (to steal a Seinfeld expression) "no hugging, no learning". But something came to my attention that I needed to add to the blog. My oldest friend, and contributor to the blog, Aaron "Yahtzee" Smith, has asked me to help out for a noble cause. And it just so happened that the way to help the noble cause is to grow a mustache. As you may recall I created the Top 10 movie mustaches blog a few months ago (it may have been my finest hour as a blogger). I love a good 'stache, and now you can grow one for a good cause. So here's what Yahtzee has to say.....

"Pulse of the Rockies"

Friends,


Testicular and prostate cancer have ravaged men long enough. Today is the day I say NO MORE! The month of Movember is upon us. For those of you that don't know, Movember is an annual, month-long celebration of the mustache, highlighting men's health issues-specifically prostate and testicular cancer.


I write you now asking two things:


1. Join me and my mustache in our quest to destroy prostate and testicular cancer. Join my team and grow your own 'stache.



2. If you can't (or won't) join me, support me. To whoever supports me, I promise bi-weekly photos of me and my little man (get your head out of the gutter).


What do you say? (And recruit your friends, the more mustaches, the merrier)


Good Growing.
-Aaron



PS-I should also mention my birthday is Nov. 11th. In the (unlikely) event you were going to buy me a present, save it and donate instead. I'll take anything!


He also send me a picture of his ground zero 'stache. The starting point.....



Remember, Rome wasn't built in a day and neither is a great mustache. If you look closely you can see a slight dusting on the upper lip. I can't wait for our next picture update. If anyone else would like to partake in the mustache for a cause, feel free to email me a picture of your stache and we can see who is a Mike Ditka guy and who is John Cleese guy. But if you don't want to grow the stache, then at least make a donation and support Aaron. Thanks guys.

That will do it for today's blog. If you're a Yankees fan, you're obviously not rooting for a Game 7, but I most certainly am. I hope tonight's game is as good as I've hyped it up to be. Stay tuned for the next edition, as we resume our acclaimed series of the Nic Cage Movie Review System. So until next time, as always.....STAY SWEET