Disney Princesses and Courtship Approximation
The other day, as I voluntarily sat down to watch Aladdin I recognized one major enormous flaw to the story. The whole basis of the first act was that Jasmine couldn't find a suitor to marry her and so her father had arranged for numerous princes from all across the land to come and meet her. And despite the countless number of men she saw there wasn't a single one that could fit the bill.
Now hold on a second Miss Lippy. Have you seen Jasmine? Not only is she smoking hot, but she wears a belly shirt all day everyday and has a pet tiger. Let me repeat that. SHE HAS A PET TIGER!! That's like my dream girl. How is it that someone with all those outstanding credentials on her dating resume can't find a prince? I understand movie makers ask for a certain amount of leniency when it comes to the whole believability thing, but an insanely rich princess, with a banging body, a pet tiger and half a t-shirt could have her pick of the litter. But I'm willing to give this little mishap a pass because it provides a glimmer of hope that somewhere out there, there's a chick just like Jasmine waiting for me to sweep her off her feet and become best friends with her pet tiger. I'm just saying, it's possible.
Anyways, that got me to thinking that Jasmine has got to be a runaway for the hottest Disney princess. But you'd be surprised the amount of push back I got on this subject. Answers were as varied as a Halloween grab bag at your cheap neighbor's house. It was almost impossible to get a unanimous answer, and when people did agree it was for insanely different reasons. And therefore I decided that once and for all a Disney Princess ranking was necessary to settle the debate. And who better than I, a person who voluntarily watches Disney movies and is proud to admit that, to settle this once and for all.
Now a lot of thought went into this as did a few hours of watching tape just to make sure my thoughts were on point. Let me say that I am very happy that all movie renting nowadays is safe and secure online. Because if I went to a blockbuster store and rented 6 Disney princess movies back to back I'm pretty sure a wanted poster would have been drawn and hung on every street corner.
So here's the criteria of my rankings :
1. I am only using the "original 6" or as they like to be called "the slick 6".
2. Since these are classy women, this is a long term ranking. While Ariel might be the obvious choice if you met her at a club, I want to know their long term prospects.
3. As always, poise counts. If I'm going to have this princess for life, I need to know how she reacts when things go bad. And if you've ever seen a Disney princess movie you know things go bad.
4. Songs Count. We are talking Disney musicals after all.
5. Thats about it.
And here we go....
6.
Sleeping Beauty aka Aurora : She must have had quite an impact because she only appeared on screen for 18 minutes. Talk about bang for your buck. In my opinion the only character to do more with that little time on screen is Colonel Jessup in
A Few Good Men. So here's what Sleeping Beauty has going for her. Her uncanny beauty was enough to convince a prince to fall in love with her. The prince assumed she was just a peasant, when actually she was a princess. Here's the catch, the prince was arranged to marry a princess (in a cruel twist of fate the princess is actually the same peasant girl he fell in love with). Yada Yada Yada this causes mayhem in the royal castle and Aurora is cursed into eternal sleep, the only thing that can break the curse is a kiss from a prince ( I know, talk about cliche').
Here's what she's got going for her, she's blond buxom and despite being insanely rich, can easily pass for common folk (an invaluable characteristic). But here's my issue with her. She was cursed by an enchanted wheel. She was fixated on the shiny flashy unknown object. She knew she shouldn't touch the wheel but she did anyway and look what it did to her, it put her in an enchanted coma. If she could so easily stray from doing the right thing here, what else would she stray for? You know the expression, once a cheater always a cheater. Well with princesses it's more like once a cursed bitch always a cursed bitch. And I can't have that kind of bad luck looming over me for ever after.
5. Snow White: I feel a little bad putting the original Disney Princess out of the medal rounds. Let's go over a few things. First of all she lived in 1937, I mean talk about a rough time to live. There was so much more going on at that point in history and when so many people were out of work, Snow White gainfully and happily employed 7 loyal workers. But she does deserve serious consideration because her beauty was off the charts. Her evil step-mother ordered her death, except the henchman thought Snow White was so hot that they couldn't kill her ( who says chivalry is dead).
But Snow White has some baggage, specifically a crazy family. Her step-mother poisons her by tricking Snow White to eat an apple. If her step-mother could poison her own step-daughter, imagine what she would do to me, the step-son-in law. That's a rocky relationship as it is, and now we're adding a deranged step-mom to the equation...no thanks. I'd be constantly looking over my shoulder and I could never eat apples ever again. I don't think I could live like that. But here's why she ranks above Sleeping Beauty, though their tales are eerily similar. Snow White's loyal dwarf's couldn't bear to bury such a beautiful person that they built her a glass coffin, assuming she is dead. But some prince comes by and has the urge to kiss a dead chick and wouldn't you know it, the kiss wakes her up and they live happily ever after. Freud would have a field day with this prince, but the crazy tactic worked and he bagged himself a princess. So the common theme so far is that the first kiss REALLY matters, I guess most of the chicks flicks were right. Thanks Nora Ephron.
4. Cinderella : The mother of all fairy tales. The name alone has such secondary meaning and inferences which leads one to speculate that the original must have inspired pure awe. Here's a few things that Cinderelly has going for her; 1) She cleans up amazingly well. The transformation from scrubbing floors and talking to mice to ball room beauty who steals the heart of a prince is simply fascinating. Granted she has the help of a fairy godmother but that's a hell of a lot more than I can say I've got in my corner. My best move is putting on a sports coat, this chick is turning pumpkins into carriages, advantage Cinderella. 2). She's timely. She knew that she was working on a deadline; make the prince fall for you by midnight or its back to scrubbing floors. I can't stress how important that quality is. That way we can do whatever it is she wants to do during the day and still be back in time for the Giants kickoff. 3) She looks great without trying. I gotta hand it to Cinderella, even when she was toiling away on those floors she still was bringing the heat and I dig that. Look at that picture, she's not trying to impress anyone but she still looks like she could make a man do whatever she wanted. It's the roll out of bed look, and if you can rock that, well I don't need to tell you how far that goes.
But with every princess there's a few flaws. Now like I said I love the roll out of bed look and the timeliness and of course the natural beauty. Look at the blond hair and blue eyes. Now having said that, there are a lot of people in central Europe that would do some crazy things for that look. But my problem with her, and I'm nitpicking, is her friends. They're mice. Bottom line. And any girl that has mice, guinnea pigs, ferrets or any other kind of rodent as a pet is a major red flag in my book. Sure they are cute and supportive but so are orthopedic back pillows. You know how awkward it would be to have her friends over for a dinner party? I mean don't get me wrong I love cheese just as much as the next guy but where does it end? And I respect Ikea but there's no chance they have furniture that small so as her mice friends could be comfortable. Give me Snow White's dwarfs anyday of the week and twice on Sunday.
3. Belle - Beauty and the Beast: Man this was a tough decision. I have a soft spot for Belle and
Beauty and the Beast in general. In fact, had things gone a little differently I may have been a famous stage actor but instead the 2nd grade production of
Beauty and the Beast scared me from all theatrical performances. It's a long story, and most of my friends have probably heard this story, so I'll give the cliffnotes version. Instead of being cast in a leading role, or even having a single line in the play, I was cast as an extra, a knife, who wrapped up the play by telling the audience "thank you for attending our play. Refreshments will be served in the classrooms". And I never acted again.
But I digress. After careful consideration Belle takes the bronze medal, but a case could easily be made for ranking her higher, after all her nickname is BEAUTY. She radiates grace, not a little grace, but off the charts grace. You think its easy making a Beast fall in love. It takes a special kind of lady to do that. But let's go over her intangibles. 1)Compassion. Instead of letting her father stay imprisoned by the Beast, she trades her life for his freedom, talk about devotion. This is like a get out of jail free card, if you screw up big time in public or with her friends, she very well could take the fall for you. You can never count on this act of valor, but it's good to know she's got that ace in the hole. 2) Courage. She stood up to a beast, a friggin BEAST. I get scared of spiders and this chick is bossing around a BEAST. You think you're ever going to get over charged by a mechanic or pushed around by flight attendand, I think not. But be careful, this can easily backfire. Before you know it, she's wearing the pants, your carrying her purse and instead of watching
Die Hard you're stuck watching re-runs of
Sex and the City. It's a slippery slope but all in all, courage is a good thing. And she gets a major bump from the previous 3 because I find the music in
Beauty and the Beast to be far superior. "Be Our Guest" and "Beauty and the Beast" are two of Disney's finest pieces. Not to mention she commands a dress. She's wearing a dress pretty much the entire movie and the way she looks in a dress, I don't blame her one bit.
2. Ariel - The Little Mermaid: This chick is just oozing sex appeal. Let's start with just the physical appearance that so many men value. She's wearing a sea-shell bra, I'm pretty sure that's a look that no man would say no to. Not to mention that I'll bet anything she's going commando under that bluefin mermaid tail (she's got to be, right?). And the flowing red hair hair, I mean comon. Some people don't like redheads, but I thought we live in a world where we don't discriminate based on race, color or creed. Certainly that applies to hair as well. I for one, dig the flowing red locks not to mention a few other characteristics that make her insanely appealing to the superficial male. And let's not forget that you could probably pull off underwater hookups, which if executed properly could give a whole new meaning to under the sea (did you see what I did there?).
Based on a few things I've noticed about her, I've determined that she would be the ideal candidate to date in high school or college and here's why. 1) She's rebellious. Her parents said she can't go out on Friday, but guess what, shes swimming off out of an underwater castle window. And since she's underwater, you don't even need a ladder to get to the window. 2) She's curious. She always wants to discover and try new things. I don't think I need to spell out why that's important gentleman. 3). Devoted to her man. She was so devoted that she was willing to give up her voice so she could be with her man. Take a second to let that sink in. She voluntarily hit the mute button on herself. But there's really only one reason that I denied Ariel the gold, and it's in regards to the mermaid tail. One of the major criticisms of men is that they really don't know how to successfully push the females buttons south of the border. We men have a hard enough time when our only real barrier is a thin layer of cotton or silk. Well I would have to imagine that it's a thousand times more difficult when you have to work your way through a scaly, mucous-y membrane that not even the great explorers of years past have been able to navigate. And let's be honest, is there anything worse than an unsatisfied woman. Ariel you are amazing, but you're more the kind of chick I'd want on the hood of my submarine, jamming out to Whitesnake.
This was not a run-a-way but after careful consideration she has to be the hottest Disney princess of them all. She's got that natural tan exotic look that you just can't get at Hollywood Tans. I know I previously mentioned that she has a pet tiger but that's just not something you can overlook. Any idiot can try to purchase a pet tiger but it usually ends disastrously. But not with Jasmine, she's got that Tiger to be so loyal and protective that it totally redefines the term man's best friend. But let's look beyond the pet tiger, Jasmine is to Disney princesses what Helen of Troy is to women. She's the benchmark, the one all others aspire to be. She is Beyonce in a world full of lounge singers, Harley-Davidson in a world full of scooters and fruit punch Kool-Aid in a world full of mediocre beverages.
Let's break her down and see how I arrived at this decision. 1) pet tiger - discussed ad nauseam. 2) Status doesn't matter to her. It takes a special kind of woman to turn down countless princes and instead fall for a liar, crook and homeless guy with a pet monkey (actually the pet monkey definitely helped his chances). Now I realize that she went on the magic carpet ride with Aladdin assuming that he was Prince Ali-Aliabawa. But she could see past the fancy clothes and appearances and knew she shouldn't get on that carpet but she did anyway. Which brings me to point number 3) See looks past flaws. Magic Carpets aren't the safest things, and Aladdin wasn't exactly spitting Leo DiCaprio game, but he still got her onto his carpet, a very good sign. And finally 4) She's forgiving. Let's be honest, Aladdin pulled the oldest move in the rom-com book, he lied to get a hot chick. He even took it a step further and consulted the powers of a magic genie. That's like shooting fish in a barrel. You show me a girl impervious to the powers of a genie and I'll show you Margaret Thatcher on a cold day. Of course there is the music to Aladdin, that may be the best work of all time from Disney. Cause let's be honest, if there ever was double meaning in a Disney song it's "
A Whole New World" . And if you don't know what I mean then you clearly never had princess sex on a magic carpet (Where's a genie when you need one).
This was not easy, but someone had to do it. Now if we were to extend this to all Disney females than the answer is Nala from
The Lion King, no questions asked. That cat doesn't even know what she's doing.
So what did we learn from this list? The best way to a cartoon princess' heart is the first kiss, never assume she is who she appears to be, and of course you need to be able to sing. I suppose that I can snag me a Disney princess too but we all know that I can't sing for shit. Unlike this guy who sings both parts of "
A Whole New World" and absolutely kills it. Some say that's gay, but I say that's the best way to get yourself a princess. Because above all else they all share one common characteristic....They fall for the guy who can sign.
So that does it for this post. We'll see you again shortly so until next time, as always....STAY CLASSY!
Who Will Win : Christopher Plummer, The Beginners - This is the biggest lock of the night in my opinion. Plummer, assuming that he wins, will be the oldest recipient of an Academy Award at the ripe age of 82. This is a man who has been acting consistently since the 50s and only has 1 other Oscar nomination. If there ever was a lifetime achievement award, this is the one. Plummer plays an old man who comes out that he is gay after being in the closet his entire life. Talk about Oscar bait.
