My New Obsession

Also Know As "The Voice"

First off major bonus points to the Super Bowl and NBC for putting "The Voice" on after the big game, because just as those network execs were hoping, I tuned in after the game. And MAN am I glad I did. I am totally hooked. It's an experience I can only imagine is like the first time a crackhead hits the pipe because I can't get enough of it. I've used my NBC iPad app (NBC please make all endorsement checks payable to ETC Blog) to catch up on past episodes and I've got to hand it to NBC and the makers of this show because it's a brilliant idea and even better execution. It's like Karaoke Superstar meets Singled Out meets March Madness with an entirely unique aspect of working with superstars (Adam Levine, Cee-Lo, Christina Aguilera and Blake Shelton). So we here at ETC decided to break it down as only we can here at ETC ; with a strangeness usually reserved for a Michael Jackson public appearance (too soon?). So I give to you the things I took away from the first 2 episodes of Season 2 The Voice.

So one of the first contestants to participate in the blind audition was a boy and girl duo known as "The Line". They were very talented and performed a great rendition of "American Girl" (which besides being a phenomenal song by Petty, it's also a great song to perform at karaoke or by a cover band). But of course the thing that I took away from "The Line" was not their performance, but rather it was their dynamic. Here's their background video The Line -and try and guess what I will discuss from it before reading along below, it's quite fun actually.

Let's take a look at this bio frame for frame in a piece I'm calling "Instant Replay Rumination"

0:13 - As Carson is getting introduced to their family members we are allowed to see a truly disfunctional dynamic. Leland introduces us to his biological mother, who gave him up for adoption 29 years ago only to reconnect 9 years ago. To me, this woman probably knew who he was, saw the opportunity to cash in, and begged to get back in his life (just speculating). But also with the group is Leland's adopted mother, and I HAVE to imagine that relationship is rocky to say the least. It would be like if Guns N' Roses kicked out Axl Rose and continued to perform for years, just to have Axl come back into the picture down the road and start giving advice and trying to make bank off of them. Or exactly what Van Halen is doing right now. The biological mother is like the ultimate backseat driver in this situation.

(I'm Tarantino-ing this timeline for the sake of my breakdown)

1:15 - Hailey says it started with him hitting on her but it turned into something so much more.

2:06 - Seconds before they walk on stage for the biggest performance of their lives Hailey says to Leland "I love you".

1:19 - We are told they are NOT a couple.

0:37 - We find out how Leland and Hailey met. Now just watching these first few seconds I was assuming they were a couple. And on their first encounter Leland walked up to Hailey and delivered the following line "Hi, I'm Leland, you wanna get a shot of Jack". Now you don't just waste a gem of a line like that on some floozy at the bar. It's obvious he wants this chick and he wants her bad. Then, just  in case the Jack line didn't work, which he knew it did, he told her that "they should write a song together" and she agrees. Jackpot, this dude is in like flint. (I gotta try these lines sometime, they gotta work right?)

1:15 - Hailey says it started with him hitting on her but it turned into something so much more. My man Leland is "rolling in the deep" by this point. He's got to be right?

1:19 - Hailey clarifies "we are NOT a couple". I swore these two love birds "could have had it all"

1:26/27 - The look on Leland's face is PRICELESS. Without saying a word he expresses everything I was thinking when Hailey said they're not a couple which is "I can't believe I've been working on this chick for 9 years and I still haven't gotten in her pants"

1:37-1:40 - Leland's frustration reaches the point of speechlessness.

2:06 - Seconds before they walk on stage for the biggest performance of their lives Hailey says to Leland "I love you". Hold the phone Miss Lippy. After keeping this dude on the rope for 9 years and not giving him a chance, she goes and tells him that she loves him? Talk about the ultimate mind-fuck. How is Leland supposed to focus when the entire goal over the last 9 years has been to get this chick to love him and she throws that expression around like its a snickers wrapper? She might as well have pulled down his pants, given him one or two head pumps on the johnson rod, stood up and said "good luck".

This concludes "Instant Replay Rumination" Did you play along at home and guess where I was going?

Anyway, "The Line" rocked their performance, despite the aforementioned dysfunctional relationships, resulting in all four judges hitting their buttons and vying for them to join their team. Eventually "The Line decided to join Team Christina, but not before Leland was given some hope by Cee-Lo and Adam Levine. Cee-Lo said the obvious thought and asked if they were a couple, to which Hailey said no. But Adam Levine, the wise tattooed man that he is said "not yet" and a glimmer of hope sparked inside Leland. After that promise from a rock and roll sex icon, how could Leland say no to Adam. Let me translate that exchange in guy code in a piece I'm calling, "How To Get Boy Band Ass"

Adam : "Not yet" translates in "How To get Boy Band Ass" to "She says you're not a couple, but if you work with me I guarantee you I will get you laid. Look around bro, I've turned down more ass than a toilet seat. Give me three weeks and you'll be the lead singer of her promise land"

Moving on.

The next thing that stood out to me was Christina Aguilera but not for the reasons you might expect. First of all what is with the boobs? And I say that as red-blooded, straight male who has a weakness for a great rack. I respond to boobs much the same way Popeye responds to spinach. But watching her on the show, her cleavage just doesn't look right. It looks like she had a bad boob job and there's a few hard patches that just don't move the way they should. It's hard to tell by looking at this picture, but if you watched the first two episodes you can obviously notice that they were just a little wrong.

And is it just me or is there some kind of weird sexual tension between Christina and Adam. It's like before she hits her button she looks over at Adam and without saying anything she manages to express "you remember that video "dirty"? Yeah, I'm still dirty". Which brings me to my last point about Christina. Why does she insist on referring to herself as "X-tina"? That's not a name, that's not even a decent nickname. And everyone knows you can't give yourself a nickname, believe me I tried. One summer I insisted on being called "tony bagels", needless to say it didn't stick. Remember when Christina was the Geenie in a Bottle? So do I. Fondly. Even though I proudly hung a Britney poster above my bed for countless years, there was a time when I wish I could "rub Christina the right way".

Now let me get to the performances. There were a few that were very excellent but the ones that stood out to me were Jamar Rogers singing "Seven Nation Army" that got him onto Cee-Lo's team. There was the performance by former Army veteran Angie Johnson, who served multiple tours in the middle east, killing "Heartbreaker". She kind of reminds me of Cassandra from Wayne's World , she's got that kind of asian rock-star flair that you just can't pay for. Her performance and hotness also landed her on Team Cee-Lo. Perhaps the most convincing performance was by Jesse Campbell who sang "A Song For You" and within the first 7 seconds of his performance three judges turned their chairs. All four were turned by the 25th second. Very impressive.

But by far my favorite performance was from Lyndsey Pavano who gave an unbelievable cover of Trey Songz "Say Aah". It was absolutely mesmerizing. It was so unique that it took the judges a few seconds to even recognize the song. She turned it from a quick, uptempo hip hop song to a subtle, artsy acoustic song that you can re-listen to over and over.

And I like this chick, she's got like a weird Zooey Deschanel vibe going that I dig. You know the qualities that I'm talking about. You can't pinpoint one overly outstanding feature but there's just something about them that captivates you. You would never say that she is a smokeshow along the lines of Mila Kunis or Olivia Wilde, but Zooey has a presence about her that the smokes don't have. So needless to say, I will be rooting for Lynsey in this competition.

Now to my final observation about "The Voice" and it's by far my favorite aspect, the chair, my god the chair. I want that chair so badly. Not so I can blindly judge musical talents but so I can put it into everyday practical applications. Honestly how cool would it be to have a huge throne like chair that when you hit a button you rotate around. It's amazing. But isn't it just a little bit unoriginal. Didn't Dr. Claw from the Inspector Gadget cartoons essentially have the same thing? The only difference was that when Dr. Claw pushed his button you fell down a trap door into some kind of prison dungeon. And then of course there's Dr. Evil who had multiple buttons and could also drop you into a dungeon at ease. And Cee-Lo took the whole Dr. Claw/Dr. Evil correlation even further when he brought his pet cat out into the chair and stroked it, just like Dr. Claw and Dr. Evil. Upon further reflection Cee-Lo has a 41% of morphing into an evil criminal mastermind. Dr. C-evil.

But think of the possibilities if you had that chair. It would exponentially increase the enjoyment of just about anything. You want chinese for dinner tonight, convince me. Pad thai, think of the pad thai and then I hit my button, turn around and we got chinese ordered. But the best application would be for relationships and marriages. It could be used at all times to settle any debate. Chick flick versus action movie, convince me. Bed Bath and Beyond versus Best Buy, let me sit in my chair. Wine and cheese party versus a kegger, convince me. I think that any good marriage counselor or couples therapist should prescribe a rotating chair when a relationship hits the rocks. It could significantly lower the divorce rate by a good 15%.

At the very least this chair should be used on Judge Joe Brown or Judge Judy. Hell, let's take it a step further, The American judicial system should have the juror's box should consist of 12 men and women whose back's are turned from the defendant. At any point in the trial a juror can hit their button, and instead of the message saying "I Want You" like it does on "The Voice" it would say "Not Guilty". WOW did I just re-invent the legal system?

That wraps up this edition of ETC. I would like nothing better than to appear on this show but for anyone that's seen me perform karaoke or play rock band you know that I've got a better shot of performing a no pants duet with Christina than singing on that show. Thank god "The Voice" is on Monday's because I have a serious void now that Monday Night Football is back in hibernation. Our next piece will be my two cents on the three best movies of the year especially as we get closer to the Oscars. I will also be doing the 3rd Annual Oscar's breakdown in the coming weeks. So until next time, as always...STAY CLASSY!