When previewing/reviewing a movie, how about showing your Cage Rating visually rather than just writing "2.5 Cages out of 5." Now, I can offer this suggestion as a means of making the rating system appear more professional and aesthetically pleasing. However, if I tried to pretend that was the only reason I'd like to see some Cage faces on the ETC, then I'd be a liar, and you would see right through my false intentions. You and I both know that the majority of my reasoning for offering this advice is because I (and you, and everybody else on Team Cage Bombs, let alone the rest of the Cage Loving world)would love to get a thrice-weekly dosage of Cage.
Paulie even went so far as to find a stunning pic of Nic that draws up such a wide range of emotions that it is hard to put them into words. Here's how Paulie describes the picture, "When I look at it, I am at the same time disgusted, horrified, entertained and delighted".
So ladies and gentleman it is my great pleasure to unveil the visually aesthetic Cage Rating
system. Today we give you the final installment of our summer movie preview by examining Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince and Bruno. I hope you all feel the same about this new and improved system as Paulie Walnuts and myself do.
Harry Potter 6-(July 15) A little know fact about me is that I am a big Harry Potter fan. You can say what you want about that, but the books are fantastic reads. Besides the 7th and final book, I find this to be the most entertaining. The 7th book is as perfect of an adventure book as you will find. But this book is a change from the earlier editions that were more light and fun kids reads. In this movie we find out more about Voldemort as we get to look at how he became the great and infamous dark wizard. It looks more chilling and intense then the other movies. I try to not see these movies on the opening weekend because its always sold out and there are without a doubt people who wear some kind wizard apparel and I do not condone dressing up for a movie under any circumstance. Yet I have been looking forward to this movie since it was backed up from its original release date of November 24th of last year. It's not a question of will it be successful, but rather will it be the top earning movie of the year. We will check with MP4 on the over under odds with Transformers or Potter but my money is on Potter.
Bruno (June 17)- The latest character movie from Sasha Baron Cohen. After the unheard of success of Borat, it was inevitable that Cohen would be back with another one of his characters from Da Ali G Show. Its sure to have gross out gags and ridiculous quotes from unsuspecting targets. Of the three characters that Cohen does, Ali G, Borat and Bruno, I find Bruno to be the least funny. This is going to be funny, and there's no denying Cohen's genius. To be able to stay in character to such extremes and so brilliantly point out the flaws and biases of Americans is simple amazing. I read that he, in character as Bruno, was selected as a juror for an actual trial. It wasn't until 4 days into the trial that they realized he was an actor and it resulted in a mistrial. That's dedication (and probably some kind of crime too). You should know what to expect when going to see it, but I'm going to pass on this one at the theaters. I didn't go see Borat at theaters and I wont see this one in theaters either. But its sure to be on my blockbuster queue. Sorry Bruno.
"The Pauper"
The Pauper is now almost 3 weeks into his cross country trip and I have decided to chronicle this with fabrications of the truth. I asked the Pauper to send me a text message every once in a while with his location and I will fill in the details. Morgan Freeman has signed on to do the narration of the book on tape, and if this book gets optioned for a movie by a Hollywood so-in-so then we will write in a character for him to play and he will narrate that as well. So as you read, imagine the silky smooth tones of Morgan Freeman and enjoy.
"The Tale of the Pauper: A Cross Country Trip of Enlightenment"
Chapter 3: The Great Unknown
June 1 2009 8:30 PM : Independence Rock, near Muddy Gap, WY
As easy as it is for a person to close their eyes and imagine the St. Louis arch, it was even easier for the Pauper. As he laid eyes upon the great monument he had a choice to make. This landmark was not only visually and mentally stimulating but it representing the point of no return. The Gateway to the West was a bridge to unknown territory. For all he knew, he was crossing over into another galaxy. If things were not going as smoothly as planned, this was the time to turn it around. Could you blame a guy for wanting a nice hot shower or comfortable bed? But this modern day John Wayne knew what he had to. He put the Jeep into gear and headed west.
It's funny how a person will act when they are all alone. With nothing to contemplate but their own thoughts. I can't imagine a road trip of that length with no one to talk to. So much like Wilson from Castaway, a figure has emerged as a traveling companion. These things cant be forced instead they are born out of extreme circumstance. The Pauper brought along a Swiss army knife for its versatility and protection and on the first night alone the Pauper opened up the blade just in case. He felt secure, safe and at the same time vulnerable. Not vulnerable to the strange surroundings, but vulnerable to the feelings that he shared with knife. The shiny, sharp creature put the Pauper's mind at ease. On the road of the unknown a familiar and friendly sight is more than just an object. Pretty soon the Pauper was making sure that SAK (Swiss Army Knife)was wearing his seatbelt and occasionally sharing his thoughts with him. Sure it sounds crazy to you and me, but you and me aren't braving the awesome dangers of the open road of Anytown U.S.A
Pretty soon the Rocky Mountains were within sight. Sure they can be seen from space, but the Pauper's real motivation was to see if John Denver was in fact full of shit. He decided not to go to the popular tourist spots of Aspen or Denver, but rather Muddy Gap, Wyoming. Only a mind as diverse and well rounded as the Pauper's would know that there is an Independence Rock near the Muddy Gap. I don't think anyone can reasonably explain why a random mountain range in Wyoming has a rock to celebrate the Independence but who am I to ask why? Perhaps their goal is to one day be mentioned in the same breath as the Liberty Bell in Philadelphia, but whatever the explanation the Pauper was satisfied. After taking in as much as he could, it was back in the car. With SAK safely tucked into the passenger seat, they continued West. The road ahead has many question marks for the Pauper. But that's just fine for him. The answers lay just past the next turn on the road.
"A Second from Seinfeld"
I should need no reason to incorporate Seinfeld quotations into this blog. So late last night as I was perusing the television I stumbled upon one of my favorite episodes "The Marine Biologist". It reminded me of a few weekends ago when a close friend of mine pretended to be a Professor of Marine Biology at a bar in which 2 lovely ladies were so enthralled with his tales that even I was a believer. It was a truly special performance. So here's a memorable quote from that episode.
George: So I started walking into the water. I won't lie to you boys, I was terrified! But I pressed on and as I made my way passed the breakers a strange calm came over me. I don't know if it was divine intervention or the kinship of all living things but I tell you Jerry at that moment I was a marine biologist! The sea was angry that day my friends. Like an old man trying to send back soup at a deli. I got about fifty-feet out and then suddenly the great beast appeared before me. I tell ya he was ten stories high if he was a foot. As if sensing my presence he gave out a big bellow. I said, "Easy big fella!" And then as I watched him struggling I realized something was obstructing his breathing. From where I was standing I could see directly into the eye of the great fish.
Jerry: Mammal
George: Whatever. Then from out of nowhere a huge title wave lifted me, tossed me like a cork and I found myself on top of him face to face with the blow-hole. I could barely see from all of the waves crashing down on top of me but I knew something was there so I reached my hand and pulled out the obstruction! (pulls out a golf ball)
Kramer: What is that a Titleist? A hole in one, eh.
"Theme of the Weekend"
Courtesy of our Washington D.C. correspondent Yahtzee. For anyone thinking of moving to Arlington, VA, please watch this first. Epic.
"What to Expect When You're Expecting"
We will have the next installment of "The Tale of the Pauper: A Cross Country Tale of Enlightenment". I've gotten 2 more text message updates from the Pauper including his first glimpse of the Pacific. We will check in with Pasquale and MP4 for their latest pieces, and hopefully a review of one of the movies I have previewed so we can incorporate the new and improved Nic Cage Rating System. And you can expect a general level of awesomeness that has become the standard here at ETC. ETC. ETC. So until Monday....Stay Sweet.
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