Attacking Some Al's

Hello ladies and gentleman, boys and girls. Welcome back to another edition of ETC. ETC. ETC. This morning as I was enjoying a nice bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats I was reading the New York Post, a highly informative newspaper with serious journalistic integrity. I came across an article about unemployed people who turn to blogging to pass the time. However ETC. ETC. ETC. was not mentioned. Instead they highlighted stupid blogs that complain about being unemployed. Well we don't complain here at ETC. We entertain. We ascertain. We maintain. Alright thats enough words that end in "tain".

Its the middle of July so naturally that means its 68 degrees in Connecticut. What happened to global warming, Al Gore? Why couldn't I think of some bogus scientific phenomenon and make a movie about it. I could create all kinds of incomprehensible pie charts and powerpoint displays and use fancy rhetoric to confuse people with a gentle Jerry Goldsmith score in the background. I can call it "A Convenient Lie". How do you like them apples, Al?

Anyway, this weekend I played in a golf tournament and once again myself, Dicky and Lenny didn't play up to the high standard needed to win a tournament in the prestigious Ridgefield Golf Course Men's League. But our conversation on the course reminded me of an email war of words with a man known as Al Fazi. He is the guy in charge of the handicap scores, which is like the guy who makes sure the butter machine is working at the movie theaters. Necessary, but no need to treat it like your Gene Hackman in Crimson Tide. So last summer Al sent me an email that is so absurd that I have decided to publish this word for word. Basically I posted my score 1 day after I was supposed to and he freaked out. But it's not like I'm playing in the Masters with Tiger. So here's what Al sent me...

I am truly very sorry that you have opened this can of worms. You should have read my email more closely and let sleeping dogs lie. I have options available to me that you will not like. Prior to the weekend being over, send me an email. You can either STAND YOUR GROUND AND PURSUE THIS FURTHER....OR INDICATE AN ERROR IN POSTING AND REQUEST THAT THE POSSIBLE DUPLICATE AND POSSIBLY INACCURATE SCORE BE DELETED FROM YOUR RECORD. Should your response indicate your wish to pursue this, please note that I have cc'd the Handicap Committee on this issue and you should be prepared to dance the dance........and trust me, you will dance.

Insane right? So here's what I wrote back....

Al, The second posting was an error and should be stricken from the record. But let it be know that I only posted this round as a direct response to your gustapo-esque and unnecessarily demeaning email. This is my first year as a member of the Men's League and am thus not privy to all the rules and etiquette that come with the membership. A simple gentlemanly email explaining it would have been much more appreciated and appropriate. And I don't dance for anyone, so don't threaten me like that ever again.

Why did I decide to share this little diddy with you all one year from when it happened. Because anniversaries are important. And I still don't dance for anyone.

"Picks of the Unknown Gambler"
MP4 here, just stoppin in to say hello. I've heard the critics say MP4 has been MIA because he is in a career rutt. Hes all washed up. Hes lost touch. I've even heard the critics say I've been lost at the plate since the semi finals of a presteigious wiffle ball tourney. Well I am here to say, you watch your tounge. Thanks in part to a genous staff here at ETC., ETC., ETC., I have been allowed to employ the "Mike Francessa Summer Schedule." 4 weeks off, 1 week on. So here it is.

All Star weekend in the Lou.

The Derby
Im takin: Ryan Howard. +250. I like him to edge "The Machine" in his own ball park. I bet Puljos throws up a crooked number in the first round to please the hometown faithful, allowing Howard to sneak in and capture the crown in the second. Howard was a winner in the event in 2006 and lost in the semis in 2007. Long shot, I like it. I likkkkke it A LOT: Nelson Cruz. +800. Yes, hes a long shot (see Giacamo, Rudy, and Whoopi Goldberg in Eddie). Hes +800 because 75% of the viewing audience watching the Derby prob. has never heard of him. But the rookie can hit em with the best of them. So take the money and run.

The Midsummer Classic
I can not believe I am about to write this, but I am. I am taking the Dogs and going with the National League. Giving the San Francisco Giants home field advantage in the World Series. Yeah you heard me right (See Nelson Cruz). The worst part about the All star game is that the game will probably come down to Freddy Sanchez against Andrew Bailey in the bottom of the 9th. Now that is must see TV. I guess Freddy Sanchez comes through, NL breaks the streak.

Career Juice: 10-11-2

In honor of All Star weekend in the gateway to the West I would like to give a shout out to St Louis favorite son: Nelly. No one can question that when "Country Grammer" hit shelves in the summer of 2000, it was the hottest, and still might be. Not to mention Nelly will dominate the celebrity softball game prior to the Home Run Derby. Suck on that Joe Buck.

"Video Theme of the Week"
We missed our theme for the weekend on Friday so I have a hybred combo of the Video of the Day and the Theme of the weekend. So here's an interesting take on some of the finer sports press conferences.

"What to Expect When You're Expecting"
We will check in with some of our correspondents that we haven't heard from in a few weeks. As MP4 noted, it is summer time and vacations are encouraged for our contributors. Also wednesday is the opening of the new Harry Potter movie. I am yet undecided if I will go on opening night because it will be a circus and I'm sure people will be dressed up, and I do not condone dressing up in costume to go to a movie. But by Friday I will have seen it and reviewed it with the Cage Rating System. And as Friday approaches so too does a vacation tradition that has been going on since 1994. And it will also explain my picture on this website and the funny/amazing/embarassing/spectacular hat that I am wearing. So until next time.....Stay Sweet.

D.C. Debauchery

WELCOME BACK LADIES AND GENTLEMAN...I missed my Monday post but that's only because Wednesday's post is so epic. I decided to keep a running diary of the 4th of July mayhem that ensueded when 5 people who have been friends since kindergarden reunited for a weekend of pure chaos. Now you might ask yourself if a weekend in our nation's capital resulted in any sight-seeing? And that's a fair question. But the answer is no. There was just too much drinking to be done. You might ask if we caught the fireworks show that was put on at our nation's capital. Again a fair question. But the answer is no. There was just too much drinking to be done. You see we were actually in Arlington, VA and not Washington D.C. But they are very close, so it's not like we can claim the long distance relationship as an excuse for not going into the city. So here is my running diary, as best as I can remember...

WARNING: The following contains graphic content including explicit language, vulgar behavior and excessive drinking. This blog has been rated R by the Blog Association of America. Parental Discretion is Advised.

Seriously, you may be disgusted by what ensues, so if you don't condone binge drinking on a holiday weekend, I suggest you turn away now.

Last chance.....

Day 1

12:37 PM: After a surprisingly smooth bus ride, we arrive in D.C. We are greeted by our two generous hosts, Cheesepot and Towel-Boy and our long lost friend Brody (Names have been changed for everyones sake)

1:59 PM : The first (and shockingly only) game of Yahtzee takes place. As usual Cheesepot wins. I am quite certain, though I can't prove it, Cheesepot has once again found a way to cheat.

3:46 PM: Cheesepot leads us to a kegger, but as it turns out, it is a family BBQ that happens to have a keg. It is not wild. There are young children present. Cheesepot takes this opportunity to become way more drunk than anyone else, slugging beers at an impressive pace. But since we are all familiar with Cheesepot's tolerance, we all become aware we are in for a long night.

6:11 PM: "I've never seen Cheesepot drunk without him showing himself"-Little Mermaid

6:13 PM: "I'm not gonna lie, I've cut the tag out of Cheesepot's underwear while he was wearing them"-Hollywood

8:11 PM : the first game of asshole is played. This is a long standing tradition and everyone involved is reminded of the times of old.

10:46 PM: Cheesepot nearly cramps while dancing to "Beat It". No lie. The song came on, Cheesepot freaked out, broke it down, then nearly suffered a terrible calf cramp by giving it everything he had. Truly a highlight moment of the weekend. Especially considering Cheesepot is a horrible dancer. See below.

1:12 AM: Somehow we rally to make it out to the bars in downtown Arlington, VA. "Thriller" comes on the loudspeaker and a dance off ensues. All I wrote down was "moonwalking all over the place" (Just ask Dicky, Tucker or Mance if you don't believe I break it down to MJ)

1:22 AM: Green monsters before last call. This was definitely not a good idea.

DAY 2

10:33 AM: As everyone slowly awakes from the night before, we realize two large gatorades were polished off by people who hadn't purchased them. It is a great mystery. We spend the next hour trying to "identify the phantom Gatorade drinker". While many suspect who drank them, it isn't confirmed until much later in the evening. More on that later.

10:47 AM: In an effort to rally the troops I think of an inspiration moment. I decide to play the following speech. It becomes an immediate hit and the theme of the weekend. Truly magical.

1:44 PM: The keg is officially tapped.

3:00 PM: The Bill Pullman ID4 speech is played again. As more of crowd has shown up since the first airing of the speech, we have decided to play this every hour, on the hour. For inspirational purposes.

3:14 PM: A truly monumental game of tap out is well under way. Only experienced professionals are playing in this game, a veterans game if you will. After a daring, brave and courageous performance, Towel-Boy was forced to tap out. Needless to say he was not pleased. In fact he never officially tapped out. He just said the following, word for word quote. Do not read if you are under the age of 18. "I'm not gonna tap out, I'll put my dick in your mouth".

3:15 PM: Towel-Boy throws a patented tantrum after being eliminated from the tap out game. This tradition dates back to 1990 after losing a game of Mario Bros for the original Nintendo. He was not pleased then, he is not pleased today. The game doesn't matter, the tantrum is always the same.

4:00 PM: Bill Pullman ID4 speech once again. Except this time I decide to follow it up with another inspirational speech. A tradition grows.

5:00 PM: The party goes silent and salutes to the Bill Pullman speech, a bonafide tradition by this hour. It is followed by the Braveheart speech, as you have discovered by the previous entry. I decided to continue the inspiration speeches, except this time it's a bit of stretch. But still inspiring.

5:16 PM: While engaged in a massive game of "baseball", Hollywood nearly makes a historic party foul. He turned a bit too quickly and sent the Carlo Rossi wine jug (which we were using as a beer pitcher) flying through the air. With the reactions of spiderman, he caught the bottle in mid air. A small amount spilled, but not nearly as disastrous as it could have been. At which point he yelled, at the top of his lungs...."AAAHHH TITTIES!"

5:57: PM: Although no one blames him after his amazing tap out performance, Towel-Boy has gotten a little too comfy on a chair and dozed off. He never fully passed out, because as I attempted to snap a pic of this, he sensed my presence and reacted accordingly....see below.

6:00 PM: See 5 PM

6:24 PM : As a new member of the South, Brody has embraced an intense card game known as "New Orleans". Basically I got Nagasaki-ed. It makes you drink alot. Here's what I wrote down in my phone "New Orleans is deadly".

7:00 PM: See 6 PM. No it doesn't get old

8:21 PM: While trying to tell a serious story, we all notice Cheesepot swaying his hand from his ass to Brody's face, as if to present a gift from his back pocket. It soon becomes evident that Cheesepot has farted...badly. Before we all can catch a wiff, Cheesepot says the following, "does it bother you to tell a serious story while a fart is wafted into your face?"

10:46 PM: While on the back patio, Towel-Boy starts talking a decent amount of trash to me. I have the movie "300" fresh on my brain and decide to go Spartan on his ass. I rip off my shirt, hockey fight style, and yell "THIS IS ARLINGTON!!!" Despite my best efforts it doesn't prompt Towel-Boy to react. But I wrote..."Showtime channels King Leonidas and challenges Towel-Boy by taking off shirt and yelling 'AAAOOOOYYYYOOOO'

10:49 PM: The keg is officially kicked. Fortunately we have some cans left over from the night before.

10:52: There is a lot of night. I don't remember writing that, but it was true at the time.

10:53 Each member of Team Mansausage does a beer bat. The only struggle came from Hollywood, who got more beer on his shirt than in his stomach. Which resulted in him saying "I am covered in beer. That came out quickly. Seriously, I am soaked. Why is no one else wet?"

11:01 PM: We all start celebrating our accomplishment by lifting the keg over our heads as if it were the Stanley Cup. If you had asked us at 10:33 AM (around the time when we all woke up) if we could finish the keg, we probably would have said "No chance". So we celebrated like Gretzky.

Oh and as for those missing Gatorades. Originally Towel-boy guessed that Brody and Hollywood were responsible for them. Brody took credit for crushing one of them, but the second remained a mystery. Although I should have been able to identify the second drinker. You see the night before, when Hollywood returned to the bar, he came with a nearly finished bottle of grape Gatorade. In fact he offered me some of it. The backwashed, very last sip. I just chose to forget this until the next day when Hollywood's lady brought it up. It was killing her to remain silent, but Hollywood lives by a certain rule when it comes to drinking someone's Gatorade in a moment of drunkenness....Deny till you die.

Until next time, as always.....Stay Sweet!