Anniversary Week Continues

Anniversary week rolls on here at ETC ETC ETC and what a special edition this is. Before we get into the action, make sure you check out the Nic Cage Tribute Video from the last post in case you missed it.


Ladies and Gentleman, boys and girls I promised you a special week and we have something really special. Way back when the blog first started, we were blessed with a Gripe from Dicky and it was stellar. The readers demanded more and Dicky was the hottest writer in the blog-o-sphere and then like Keyser Soze, we never heard from him again. Well the anger has boiled over and now he's back and he's taking aim at the social media. It started with a simple email comment in which Dicky said "there's no way people are this happy in real life". So without further adieu.......Heeeeeeere's Dicky


Dicky's Gripe


I have just recently become familiar with the phenomenon known as Facebook...yes i realize that makes me seem either very old since it seems like everyone and their mother has been on facebook for years, or completely out of the loop, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it until recently when I was forced to for business purposes. Now I know what you are asking yourselves: "Dicky, what is wrong with you, how have you lived without Facebook for all of these years." Quite well actually.


There is something to be said for having some sort of privacy in your life. Don't get me wrong, there are some redeeming qualities of social media. It certainly makes it easier to keep in contact with old friends from college etc. etc. etc. (see what I did there). Plus, who doesn't enjoy "creeping" (to borrow a term from a friend) around facebook pictures every now and then. However, it has recently come to my attention that either there are some of the hap hap happiest bunch of assholes in the world on Facebook, or you're all a bunch of liars. The amount of exclamation points and smiley faces being used on facebook is slightly disturbing. "Just had the greatest breakfast ever with my favorite people in the world!!! :)".........really? It's just breakfast, get over it. In an hour you will probably be sitting on the toilet because of that breakfast and if I see someone post "Just had the greatest shit ever in my favorite stall!!!" I'm just going to snap.


I refuse to believe that everyone is really that thrilled with the way their day is going, and if you are I would kindly request the name and number of your drug dealer. Maybe its filling some sort of void in your actual life, and you feel you have to come across as the happiest person in the world on facebook. Maybe you are trying to make everyone else jealous of that amazing breakfast that you had for whatever reason. I can't put my finger on the reasons behind why people feel the need to just gloat about their day, but let's tone it down a little bit shall we. I know I may be a little more cynical than most (its genetics) but I don't think I'm the only person that feels this way. I know for a fact there are several contributors to this blog that have in fact rid themselves of facebook because they couldn't handle it anymore. I won't go that far because like I said, it can have some redeeming qualities but I propose this advice: lets try to keep it real people


Great to have you back Dicky.


For those who have followed the blog I'm sure your remember The Pauper (if you don't check the archives. and shame on you). His cross country trip of enlightenment has put him on the road to becoming a doctor. After 1 full year of Med School he doesn't seem any more doctor-y to me, aside from the expert opinions he provides and the white lab coat he's been sporting lately. But he's got one last summer of relaxation and has agreed to a new role here at ETC ETC ETC. Every Thursday the Pauper will review whatever we want him to review....a movie, tv show, sporting event, news story, fine wines, rare cheeses, new flavors of gum....whatever we want. So we will open up the phone lines for requests and anything can be submitted via comments on the blog, email or facebook (see what I did there Dicky). For his first piece, I asked the Pauper to see and review the movie Robin Hood, the number 1 most anticipated movie of the summer. So here's the Pauper in his new segment that I'm calling........

Ask A Doctor

“Thank god all the bad guys wear dark eyeliner or else I wouldn’t be able to tell they were bad guys…” commented one of the females with whom I saw the movie (Don’t read into that statement) Robin Hood invoking a timeless observation of good and evil.

This is a useful trick (less a disappearing card and more a James Pancotti Halloween tactic – crude and effective) that lots of filmmakers use to emphasize dichotomies in a story – one that anyone who didn’t lick a frog or snort cat’s pee when they watched Joaquin Phoenix in Gladiator knows. Nevertheless, this brings us to an important point: You didn’t care or even notice in Gladiator because the story was utterly engrossing, linear and reasonable. In Robin Hood a viewer picked up on these subtle things because the story didn’t keep you interested – Malarkey from Band of Brothers making wise-ass jokes, the pissed-off commando from Lost scouring the English “jungle” for large women and Cate Blanchett telling Crowe that she sleeps with a knife and she’ll cut off his genitals. Somewhere among all of this Robin Hood breaks apart when you attempt to work out in your mind what precisely you are watching.

So how does this occur and why? Imagine you’re ready an extra ½ hour to an hour early one morning for work or school. You snag your cup of Joe and you say to yourself - “Yes, this is my f@#$ing day”. You hop into your tunafish can-colored ‘96 Chevy Impala and decide to take the long scenic route to get to your destination because you can. It will be fun you say and you may learn something new about a back road that can save you time in the future. You can imagine where this is going – You get lost, blow the suspension, spill the joe on the Dockers and waddle into work only to hear “Goddamn it Johnson, this isn’t a Creed concert – please, on time and without piss stains on your pants” We are in the backseat of Ridley Scott’s Impala. I don’t want to discourage this among the fledgling filmmakers out there – sometimes that road goes somewhere and you learn something new about the trip or yourself. In this case, it didn’t. The journey was quite novel and picturesque through the window (if those goddamn back windows went all the way down it would have been very scenic), but he lost touch with the realistic “historically accurate” story of Robin Hood that he proffered. His story sits in a no-mans land between the epically imaginary and the historically accurate (see Crowe putting an arrow through the carotid artery of the villain at 500 yards out).

Moreover, the people in the entertainment industry and those being entertained have this growing need for our entertainment to be “historically accurate” as if a make-uped Russell Crowe is not enough to dismount that claim. I have no problem with this trend in general. A demand for factual foundation could do all of us and ESPN a little good. The problem exists in using it as a ruse, which I hate to say Ridley Scott does here. There is a scene where Robin Hood demands of the King of England “liberty by law” and prepares a document to that end. Historically, we know this coerced document to be the Magna Carta of the year 1215, an early harbinger of republican government and a heftily cited “ground zero” for liberty in Western Europe. Thus the following thought albeit lengthily worded (I apologize in advance) ensued in my head:

Am I being asked to believe that Robin Hood - a man who by virtue of not being a clergyman was likely illiterate - was

1) the brains behind arguably the most important document in Western European history espousing republican principles and

2) a well-nautilused, brawny, sinewy “William Wallace” who led armies and charged beachheads giving the King of England advice on tactics?

Ridley Scott may beg to differ and forcefully reply back “Are you not entertained!!” I could only reply: So Mr. Scott, what is Michael Bay drinking these days? Still demolishing those bay breezes like they were on-set buses?

Don’t get me wrong. I like Ridley Scott. I enjoyed Kingdom of Heaven, White Squall and Blade Runner among others. I loved Gladiator. He has ability, he has creativity and he has style. Nevertheless, we see Crowe and Ridley Scott together here as a victim of their own success. Robin Hood was always a dude singing forest hymns and wearing a green leotard until Costner and Crowe donned leather hoods and cloaks. His story, like King Arthur’s, is a constellation of myth and fact set in a watershed moment in English History. After this movie we remain in a similar limbo about Robin Hood. Some will enjoy the mottling of action sequences threaded together throughout the movie but the fact remains that Robin Hood does not give them a reasonable context. Even though the beautiful scenery of this movie illuminates a 12^th century world we have yet to see on screen as fully and as masterfully as Scott imagines it here, Robin Hood nevertheless falls short by attempting to crystallize a legend in a neat and tidy way with all the historical corners tucked in, a legend that probably is not meant to be crystallized.

So this kicks off a summer series of reviews. Each week, probably every Thursday I will write a review for the blog. As you know this blog prides itself in being accessible and interactive, we will be accepting any and all suggestions. I am willing to review any sporting event, TV show episode/series, movies including and especially movies like Plan 9 from Outer Space (Seinfeld fans will know this as “the one that works”).

(Sidenote: I actually saw that movie recently as well as the Tim Burton biopic about its odd cross-dressing director, Ed Wood - Johnny Depp stars. Its like pretending to drop acid on Wednesday afternoon)

All ideas are welcome including reviews of mid-80’s McEnroe v. Connors Wimbledon matches.

Please forward all requests to the godfather himself, Mr. Ryan Cazalet.

Please forward all hate mail his way as well and he can give me an itemized list of my wrong doings with the phrase “Good morning Mr. Phelps” at the top.

So if you liked this review or hated it and know I can do better, I invite you to join me every Thursday night this summer with a fresh Marlboro 100 (maybe Snus and a beer these days) or a glass of milk and cookies, on your iphone or on your computer, at the bar or in bed and we will share in the simple delights of civilization. Every writer (I use this term very loosely with myself) likes to imagine his readers with both a pleasant summer breeze and a slight smurk on their face under a deep purple orange twilight. So meet me there if you dare, I’ll have the box of wine.

Thanks Pauper for that insightful critique. I have now adjusted my Summer Movie Preview, and officially declare Inception to be my new number 1 most anticipated.

I asked the Pauper to use the Nic Cage Movie Review System for Robin Hood ....

Me: So let me ask you for your official review of Robin Hood on the Nic Cage Movie Review System, 1-4 Cages, 1 being Bad Lieutenant and 4 being Stan Goodspeed in the Rock

Pauper: 2 cages and a "Caster Troy" = 2.5

So here it is...2 Cages and a Castor Troy. The Request lines are open for anyone who wants to "Ask a Doctor" and have something reviewed. So until next time, as always....STAY CLASSY!