A Salute to the 'Stache

First of all, welcome back everybody. It has been quite some time since my last post and that's because I was on vacation. There's way too much to write about in that week, so I'm not going to force it and not give it justice. So I'm writing about something altogether different. Last night I was clicking around, burning some time before the next installment of Entourage. There wasn't much to choose from so I settled on Miami Vice, a rather disappointing film overall but one thing did stand out....Colin Farrell's unreal mustache. You may or may not know that I like to dabble in the facial hair look. It makes me feel like a man. Much like Costanza's belief that a man should carry a wallet, I believe a man should grow a mustache at least once in their life.

So that led me to think about some of the greatest movie mustaches of all time and I settled on the 10 best, in my opinion. The criteria is simple....

1. It must be a stand-alone 'stache. Meaning that there can't be a beard, or a goatee or mutton chops (which is why Sam Jackson is eliminated from Pulp Fiction. As a facial hair combo, that's got to be one of the best, but on pure 'stache standards, it doesn't meet the criteria)
2. The only way you would actually grow a similar 'stache is if you made a high stakes bet with a friend
3. There is no 3

4. No Burt Reynolds. Period.

So here are my top 10 movie mustaches of all time.

10. Sascha Baron Cohen as Borat in Borat

It's not his 'stache that we all remember from this movie, but let's be honest, thats a serious growth. It's safe to assume that its also a real mustache because he has been playing this character for quite some time. But he also does a few other characters that don't have mustaches so I can't be sure on it. Either way that 'stache is....very nice.

9. Colin Farrell as Crockett in Miami Vice

I give this 'stache some extra kudos because its a fu man chu/ handlebar 'stache and you wouldn't expect it on a pretty boy like Colin Farrell. With that said this is one of the grossest hair and mustache combos ever recorded on film. The best and worst part is that this was not meant to be funny, it was meant to make him seem bad ass. Unintentional comedy is off the charts on this one.

8. Andy Samberg as Rod Kimble in Hot Rod

Many people might not have seen this movie, let alone the unreal 'stache that Rod sports. He believes all real men have mustaches, and I can't refute that claim. The only reason this isn't higher on the list is because Samberg didn't actually grow this, its a prop. If you haven't seen this movie, go rent it, you won't be disappointed. Samberg and his "I'm on a Boat"/ "Jizz in my Pants" crew wrote and star in this one and its got Kenny Powers and SNL friend Bill Hader.

7. Bruce McGill as D-Day in Animal House

Truly a pioneer of the "mustache is cool" lifestyle. It's one of the earliest power 'staches on record. It's full, bushy and it announces his presence with authority. D-Day didn't even have to speak because his 'stache said all you needed to know. It even curves up a little on the sides. Well done Bruce, well done.

6. Tom Skerritt as Viper in Top Gun

Now this is a statement 'stache. Especially because Viper is in a serious position of power, with the full force of the Navy behind him. One more fly-by of the tower and Maverick would be working a command post in Alaska by the night's end. This 'stache is very standard, but very amazing. It's not too bushy, and it's perfectly groomed. It even has as slight downward tilt. If I were to write a biography of this mustache I would call it "Perfection on the upper lip." This is probably the most practical of all the 'staches on this list, and I'm pretty sure everyone's dad rocked one similar to this at some point in their life. I know mine did.

5. Val Kilmer as Doc Holliday in Tombstone

I'm slightly bending my rules on this one because Val is sporting a visible soul patch. But when you're as bad ass as Doc Holliday, an exception can be made. Regardless of the soul patch we are still talking about a primetime 'stache. It's got great definition, and you can't pay enough money nowadays to find a moustache tailor that can turn a 'stache upwards like this. Only a guy with this 'stache can say "I'm your huckleberry" and still be cool. It's thin and wispy, unlike many of the others on here. It has a cool arrogance about it, as if he's saying "if you think its so easy, why don't you grow one?"

4. Paul Rudd as Brian Fantana in Anchorman

One of my personal favorites of all time. Partly because Brian Fantana is one of my favorite characters, but mostly because it's a pure money 'stache. He does have a slight trace of extra long sideburns, but there's enough space between the sideburn and the mustache to qualify him on this list. Only a man rocking this kind of 'stache can get away with wearing such colognes as London Gentleman, Blackbeard's Delight and Sex Panther

3. Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy in Anchorman

"Hey everybody, come see how good I look". And it's not because of the suits or straight teeth. It's all in the 'stache. This is an immaculately groomed and tailored mustache and I wouldn't expect anything less from Burgundy. He demands the same perfection from his upper lip as he does his expensive suits. This is also unique because there's a clear space between his nose and the top of the 'stache. It's stylish in a "my apartment has many leather bound books" kind of way.

2. Daniel Day Lewis as Bill the Butcher in Gangs of New York

The ONLY reason that this is not number 1 is because of the extra shaggy and bushy sideburns that he is sporting. But I have made an executive decision and decided it was just a fashion statement, and thus an extension of his hairstyle. Let's be honest this 'stache needed to be on the list and it needed to be this high. I defy anyone who thinks they are a man to grow something like this. Its thick, it's full and it turns upward like no other 'stache I've ever seen. Just think how much more amazing this would look if he had a completely clean shaven face and no sideburns. It would be epic. It would be the Mona Lisa of mustaches. Bottom line...this is a MAN'S 'STACHE

1. Kurt Russell as Wyatt Earp in Tombstone

This is the mustache by which all others are measured. What makes it best is that he is completely clean shaven on the rest of his face. No side burns, no soul patch, no stubbly beard to support it. Straight 'stache. What a statement. This mustache is so intense that it's almost a cartoon 'stache. It could make Yosemite Sam jealous. I would be proud to rock this mustache in real life. There just aren't enough superlatives to describe this 'stache. This mustache makes me want to be a better man.

Well there you have it ladies and gentleman. I know I probably am missing a few serious mustaches but in my mind this is the creme de la creme. If any of my readers are thinking of good stakes in a bet, make the loser grow a mustache on this list. If someone actually did that I think they would really be the winners of that bet. Girls would come out of the woodwork to get a piece of any of those 'staches. This may or may not be my swan song piece and if it is, I couldn't be more proud. But don't count me out because you can never keep a good man down. So until until next time, whenever that time may be....STAY SWEET

Attacking Some Al's

Hello ladies and gentleman, boys and girls. Welcome back to another edition of ETC. ETC. ETC. This morning as I was enjoying a nice bowl of Honey Bunches of Oats I was reading the New York Post, a highly informative newspaper with serious journalistic integrity. I came across an article about unemployed people who turn to blogging to pass the time. However ETC. ETC. ETC. was not mentioned. Instead they highlighted stupid blogs that complain about being unemployed. Well we don't complain here at ETC. We entertain. We ascertain. We maintain. Alright thats enough words that end in "tain".

Its the middle of July so naturally that means its 68 degrees in Connecticut. What happened to global warming, Al Gore? Why couldn't I think of some bogus scientific phenomenon and make a movie about it. I could create all kinds of incomprehensible pie charts and powerpoint displays and use fancy rhetoric to confuse people with a gentle Jerry Goldsmith score in the background. I can call it "A Convenient Lie". How do you like them apples, Al?

Anyway, this weekend I played in a golf tournament and once again myself, Dicky and Lenny didn't play up to the high standard needed to win a tournament in the prestigious Ridgefield Golf Course Men's League. But our conversation on the course reminded me of an email war of words with a man known as Al Fazi. He is the guy in charge of the handicap scores, which is like the guy who makes sure the butter machine is working at the movie theaters. Necessary, but no need to treat it like your Gene Hackman in Crimson Tide. So last summer Al sent me an email that is so absurd that I have decided to publish this word for word. Basically I posted my score 1 day after I was supposed to and he freaked out. But it's not like I'm playing in the Masters with Tiger. So here's what Al sent me...

I am truly very sorry that you have opened this can of worms. You should have read my email more closely and let sleeping dogs lie. I have options available to me that you will not like. Prior to the weekend being over, send me an email. You can either STAND YOUR GROUND AND PURSUE THIS FURTHER....OR INDICATE AN ERROR IN POSTING AND REQUEST THAT THE POSSIBLE DUPLICATE AND POSSIBLY INACCURATE SCORE BE DELETED FROM YOUR RECORD. Should your response indicate your wish to pursue this, please note that I have cc'd the Handicap Committee on this issue and you should be prepared to dance the dance........and trust me, you will dance.

Insane right? So here's what I wrote back....

Al, The second posting was an error and should be stricken from the record. But let it be know that I only posted this round as a direct response to your gustapo-esque and unnecessarily demeaning email. This is my first year as a member of the Men's League and am thus not privy to all the rules and etiquette that come with the membership. A simple gentlemanly email explaining it would have been much more appreciated and appropriate. And I don't dance for anyone, so don't threaten me like that ever again.

Why did I decide to share this little diddy with you all one year from when it happened. Because anniversaries are important. And I still don't dance for anyone.

"Picks of the Unknown Gambler"
MP4 here, just stoppin in to say hello. I've heard the critics say MP4 has been MIA because he is in a career rutt. Hes all washed up. Hes lost touch. I've even heard the critics say I've been lost at the plate since the semi finals of a presteigious wiffle ball tourney. Well I am here to say, you watch your tounge. Thanks in part to a genous staff here at ETC., ETC., ETC., I have been allowed to employ the "Mike Francessa Summer Schedule." 4 weeks off, 1 week on. So here it is.

All Star weekend in the Lou.

The Derby
Im takin: Ryan Howard. +250. I like him to edge "The Machine" in his own ball park. I bet Puljos throws up a crooked number in the first round to please the hometown faithful, allowing Howard to sneak in and capture the crown in the second. Howard was a winner in the event in 2006 and lost in the semis in 2007. Long shot, I like it. I likkkkke it A LOT: Nelson Cruz. +800. Yes, hes a long shot (see Giacamo, Rudy, and Whoopi Goldberg in Eddie). Hes +800 because 75% of the viewing audience watching the Derby prob. has never heard of him. But the rookie can hit em with the best of them. So take the money and run.

The Midsummer Classic
I can not believe I am about to write this, but I am. I am taking the Dogs and going with the National League. Giving the San Francisco Giants home field advantage in the World Series. Yeah you heard me right (See Nelson Cruz). The worst part about the All star game is that the game will probably come down to Freddy Sanchez against Andrew Bailey in the bottom of the 9th. Now that is must see TV. I guess Freddy Sanchez comes through, NL breaks the streak.

Career Juice: 10-11-2

In honor of All Star weekend in the gateway to the West I would like to give a shout out to St Louis favorite son: Nelly. No one can question that when "Country Grammer" hit shelves in the summer of 2000, it was the hottest, and still might be. Not to mention Nelly will dominate the celebrity softball game prior to the Home Run Derby. Suck on that Joe Buck.

"Video Theme of the Week"
We missed our theme for the weekend on Friday so I have a hybred combo of the Video of the Day and the Theme of the weekend. So here's an interesting take on some of the finer sports press conferences.

"What to Expect When You're Expecting"
We will check in with some of our correspondents that we haven't heard from in a few weeks. As MP4 noted, it is summer time and vacations are encouraged for our contributors. Also wednesday is the opening of the new Harry Potter movie. I am yet undecided if I will go on opening night because it will be a circus and I'm sure people will be dressed up, and I do not condone dressing up in costume to go to a movie. But by Friday I will have seen it and reviewed it with the Cage Rating System. And as Friday approaches so too does a vacation tradition that has been going on since 1994. And it will also explain my picture on this website and the funny/amazing/embarassing/spectacular hat that I am wearing. So until next time.....Stay Sweet.