Welcome back to another edition of ETC. ETC. ETC. As you may have inferred by the title, today we will be discussing disasters. Some will be monumental, epic disasters, others will Lohan-esque. It's up to you to decided how bad these topics are. We've got a piece from Pasquale that has been burning on his mind for more then a decade, a piece so well thought out that it took him nearly a month to perfect it. Also with the World Series just around the corner we will give you a preview of what to expect and why hell on Earth might just be a better alternative for our friend Dicky.
Tomorrow marks the start of the 106th Fall Classic and all the evidence points to a very entertaining and evenly matched baseball series. On the one side you have the New York Yankees, baseball's flagship organization looking to win it's 27th World Series title. In the other corner you've got the Philadelphia Philles, who are the defending World Series Champions and looking to become the first National League team to repeat as champions in more then 30 years. On paper this looks like a great matchup, and should draw great ratings. Except of course if you are a Mets fan, like my father and my buddy Dicky. In which case this seemingly great display of baseball more closely resembles a practical joke by the devil himself. Some say this is proof that the baseball gods were determined to torture Met fans this year. Not only did they have to sit through 162 excruciatingly painful regular season games, but now this proverbial pie in the face serves as an extra punch to the gonads. If Spike in "Little Giants" thought "pee-wee Hell" was bad, he should try being a Met's fan.
Like the Joker, Dicky has been a man of his word. Earlier in the year he realized the Mets were going nowhere and he couldn't take the pain of watching. So he made a pact around June that he would not talk about the Mets in any way, shape or form. I thought there was no chance this would happen, in fact he went so far as to say that if the Mets somehow pulled off a miraculous comeback and managed to make the playoffs that he wouldn't even watch. The Pauper still has the napkin with his signature to prove it. Just when we thought it was safe for Dicky to enjoy baseball and escape from this disastrous season, he is being dragged back into hell. He is being tortured again. Either way, an arch-rival of his is going to be victorious and celebrate and their respective fanbase will once again be gloating in his misery. I fear it may be too much for him to handle. He has endured great pain, his fight has been valiant and noble but how much suffering can a man take. I feel like the crowd of on-lookers at the end of Braveheart begging him to yell "Mercy", and in a week or so he will painfully stumble away from the television and just yell at the top of his lungs "FREEEEEEEDDDDOOOOOMMMMM".
Speaking of disasters, Twitter has been in the news since my last blog. Lets get to the good side first. Miley Cyrus has deleted her twitter account, and may I be the first to say good for you Miley. She had over 2 million followers stalking her every move and finally enough became enough. She didn't want the world to know that "all she see's are stilettos, I guess she never got the memo". And to follow that move up, she came out with an anti-twitter rap video that, despite lacking production value should win some kind of award. Miley continues to climb my female celebrity list, which hasn't been as strong as it has been in past years. I see a future blog in the making (I'm going to have to do some "research")
Now the bad side of twitter, and a reason why all athletes should delete their accounts as well, you've got Larry Johnson, running back for the Kansas City Chiefs. He tweeted (a term that should be removed from our venacular) that his coach had no business being the coach. "My father got more credentials then most of these coaches. My father played for the coach from remember the titans. Our coach played golf. My father played for the redskins briefly. Our coach, nuthn". Then when someone responded to the tweet, he called that person a "fag" and then called a reported a "fag" as well. And now the Chiefs asked him to stay away from their team and facilities. Tough break LJ, shouldn't listened to Miley. WWMD.
For all of our loyal readers you know that Pasquale is the creative force behind the always popular section called "Fab 5". Every once in a while Pasquale will send me an email with 5 things that he either loves or hates, depending what's on his mind or what he has been doing lately. This time however, He couldn't limit his thoughts to 5. I must warn you though, if you were a teenager in the 90's, this might upset you. I mean for every female girl from the years 1997-1999, this one topic was the most influential romantic moment of your life, more so then those 6 minutes you spent under the bleachers with Billy Enforci. So without further adieu, I give you Pasquale......
"Fab 5"
For the last decade or so, one film has really gotten on my nerves. If there was only one thing about this film that got on my nerves, I could let it go, but the fact is I can ramble on for days about why I don't like this movie. I wish I could tell you there will be 5 reasons why I hate this film, but I can't promise that I can limit myself to only 5. Once I get going I'm difficult to stop. Completely unrelated to this film...if you go to a gym and feel the need to do curls (which are hands down the most pointless and useless and would be banned if I owned a gym) please do not use the squat rack to hold the bar for your curls. There are people who want to do a functional exercise using that equipment, so please I implore you, do your curls elsewhere or preferably not at all. Now back to the point at hand.
If you haven't guessed by now the film I'm referring to is Titanic. You're probably thinking to yourself, "why would Pasquale hate Titanic?" Whether or not you thought that, I'm going to tell you anyway, and in no particular order.
1. Celine Dion- I don't think this really needs any additional explanation.
2. Little known fact about me, before this movie came out I was a Titanic fanatic. I find the history surrounding Titanic so interesting. The biggest ship ever made (likely by a guy with erectile dysfunction who needed to prove something) it was supposed to be the unsinkable ship which was famous around the world. I even saw an IMAX film in the 3rd grade about the alvin which a small submarine that went deep into the ocean to explore the remains of the ship. This movie killed all the interesting historical context and romanticized the story for the purposed of Hollywood. I would expect better from James Cameron, but I respect his honesty on Entourage when he said he made the boat sink to make young girls cry. This film ruined a historical event for a generation of kids too lazy to learn about the real history of this ship.
3. Not a chance that old lady would throw that colossal diamond necklace into the ocean. Seriously, no chance at all. Can you imagine the value of that piece of jewelry? Not only was it a ridiculous diamond necklace, but it also survived the sinking of the Titanic. Conservative estimate of the value of that necklace-$10 million. Easy.
4. Kate Winslett's character didn't rotate on top of that door. Isn't being in love about making sacrifices for each other? Couldn't they have rotated so at least Leo could get some time on top of that door and out of the freezing cold water. I mean the guy did basically save her in the beginning of the movie, but apparently that didn't prove him worthy of time on top of the door. And how were there not other doors floating around in the water? Paddle around a bit and look for another door. If your not gonna paddle around and look for another door, or rotate turns on top of the door, don't start sobbing when he sinks because he's frozen to death.
5. The whole scene where he teaches her how to spit off the side and she is somehow kind of enticed by that is pure bullshit. Not a chance that works in picking up women. If you successfully pick up a girl as a result of teaching her how to spit, please let me know.
6. Billy Zane stealing a child to get on a lifeboat is just sickening. There are plenty of scumbags out there, but I find it hard to believe that someone actually did that.
7. If your still reading I applaud your dedication. How does everyone and their mother get an oscar nomination for this film but my boy Leo gets shut out. Really Academy of Motion Picture Science? You didn't see him fit for a nomination but the old lady who was only in the film for a few minutes was worthy? Listen, I know she's old, but you could have at least thrown him a bone.
8. The crying in the theater. People were sobbing like they just lost family members in the theaters when I saw it. Did you not expect the boat to sink? Did you not expect people to die? Did you expect the boat to make it to New York because it was a movie? The boat sank in real life, it sank in the movie, deal with it. You knew that coming into the movie. I don't want to hear you crying.
Next time you stumble upon the movie on TNT, think about these points. You will see this film in a new light.
Once again Pasquale comes through. Well that will do it for today's edition. Before I leave you I will make a prediction about the World Series. Our resident gambler MP4 has been very busy taking CPA exams so he's been out of the game for a while. But sure enough once he's back on the saddle, we will get his opinions. But I'm going to say that the Phillies are going to win in 7 games. I have a feeling this is going to be one of the best World Series in recent memory. And for all you Met fans out there, hang tough. From pain will come pleasure. Or call in a bomb threat like Seinfeld. So until next time, as always.....STAY SWEET
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Kate Hudson for MVP
Welcome to another edition of ETC ETC ETC. It's one of the greatest times of the year in terms of sports and we've got a lot to cover. So much so that I decided it was time to open up the Gmail Inbox, brought to you by the good people at Google. So lets get right into the questions.
If the Yankees win the World Series should Kate Hudson get a ring?- Brian (CT)
At this point the only person more deserving of a ring is Teixeira. I don't know what she has done to A-Rod, but if your a Yankees fan you can only hope that she keeps doing whatever it is she is doing. I can't blame the guy, in fact good for him. She's a smokeshow but all I can imagine is that scene in You, Me and Dupree when Kate is dancing around in a black bathing suit. Except it's with A-Rod sitting instead of Michael Douglas, it's Hank Steinbrenner and instead of Lance Armstrong it's Joe Girardi. This is strangely perverse, comical and all too possible to think about.
This got me thinking about any other influential women and their effect on an athletes. You've got your marquee example of this in Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. Pre Eva, Tony was just another decent point guard. Then Tony got all Desperate Housewives-y with Eva and all of a suddenly the guy rattles of 2 championships (sure Tim Duncan was a large part of that, but I gotta give the edge to Eva. Remember kids, "Hot Wife, Good Life".)
Then there is David Beckham and Victoria Beckham. Beckham was just another "futball-er on the pitch" before he married Posh Spice and then all of a sudden he wins the UEFA cup and goes on to sign the biggest sports contract of all time.
But beware A-Rod, not all celebrity relationships are rainbows and championships. Dating a celebrity can backfire from time to time. Just ask Jason Sehorn. He was on top of the world, the only white cornerback in the NFL and coming off a Pro-Bowl season. Then he went and married Angie Harmon (from Law & Order, that's not very specific since there are 8 of them now) and then his career went straight down the tubes. He blew out his knee, his pants fell down in a game and then he became a punchline. But Angie is also very attractive so I really can't blame the guy. In fact he's a great example of striking while the iron is hot. He signed a big contract and got a hot wife, so the joke is on us.
I just a preview for Saw VI. How many more of these stupid movies are they going to make, over or under 7.5? - Ryan (Ridgefield)
I can't believe they are making another one of these movies. Enough already. Let me guess what this is about, the killer sets up another game that tortures and kills people who might be slightly corrupt and one person is left alive and they become the heir to Jigsaw's legacy. Boom Saw VI. Save your money that's exactly what happens.
Why do horror movies insist on making like 12 sequels? Can't we get a little creative. Anyone that knows me is well aware that I don't do scary movies, but I'm intrigued by "Paranormal Activity". It's suggestively scary, and it doesn't follow the same played out horror formula of brutal violence and loud, jumpy music that makes you scream. However, I don't see an end to this horror movie sequel trend, especially with the news of a remake of "A Nightmare on Elm Street" the scariest movie of all time in my opinion. So I'm going to take the over here and go with a Canadian dozen and say there will be 8 Saw movies.
If you had to listen to one of the following for 3 hours, which would it be and why
1. Chip Caray announcing
2. Nails on a chalkboard
3. Cats meowing jingle bells
-Pasquale (Norwalk)
For those who don't know who Chip Caray, consider yourself fortunate. He is an announcer on TBS who usually only does the Atlanta Braves games. But since TBS now has the MLB playoffs, fans are forced to be tortured if they want to watch the games. The guy couldn't be dumber. You know those people who only have their job's because of a rich or famous relative, and how much you hate that person because they have no business doing whatever it is they do. Well Chip is one of those people. He is related to the famous Harry Carey, who at least was informative and entertaining. Chip is neither of those. He makes your ears hurt listening to him. A four year old can do a better job (make sure you click on the link at the end of the blog for further proof). I think this is just one of the many ploys Ted Turner has to take over the world by exposing us to mindless hours of painful television, like "House of Payne" and "The Bill Engvall Show". Despite that, I think I would have to choose listening to Chip Carey, assuming that there is some kind of sporting event to go along with his excruciating commentary. Because lets face it the other two options have a legitimate shot of sending you to a mental institution.
If you had to watch any of these fictional movies, which would you watch? Prognosis Negative, Chunnel, Rochelle Rochelle, or Sack Lunch?
- Peter (Connecticut)
Hopefully my readers will all know that these are references to fake movies that come up throughout the seasons of "Seinfeld". As for Prognosis Negative, its supposed to be really bad, really bad. I mean it's long, there's no story, its so unbelievably boring.... i heard. So I'd have to rule that out. For help on this topic I turned to my trusted Seinfeld expert and collegue Pasquale. Here's what he had to say....
"Each have their benefits but also have their downsides. I feel like Prognosis Negative and Chunnel are automatically out because they just dont have the cache the other two have. Hard to argue with a strange erotic journey from Milan to Minsk in my opinion, but at the same time...how did that family get stuck in that sack?"
It's true...How did that family get stuck in that sack. But comon, Rochelle Rochelle. It's one girl's strange erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. It was so good they even made it a musical starring Bette Middler. So with all that considered I'm going with Rochelle Rochelle. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't see Sack Lunch. Even with Todd Gak.
Now that the SAWX are eliminated, who are you rooting for in the MLB Playoffs?-Will (Portland)
The Sox had yet another gut-wrenching loss that eliminated them from the playoffs. It's not nearly as bad as '03 and the homerun that shall not be mentioned, but you've got your star closer on the mound with a 2 run cushion and he blows it. That's just crushing. In a related story, this was just the culmination of one of the worst sports weekends in the life of Steamin Willie Beamen. My college roommate and contributor to this blog was as low as a sports fan could get this weekend. Not only did the Sox lose, but so too did the Patriots and the University of Michigan. Which prompted him to send me the following text messages....
Oct. 12, 2009 12:42 PM: I hate my life. Worst weekend ever. Pats killed me, Michigan killed me, Sox cut off my balls.
That pretty much sums it up. But it an also interesting and related story, a potential matchup is brewing in the MLB playoffs that would cause another best friend and contributor to self destruct. As a Mets fan, Dicky hates 2 baseball teams, the Yankees and the Phillies. And they could very well meet in the World Series. We all wondered what he would do then. Who would he root for? Would he even watch? Would he be so disgusted by the sight that he never watched baseball again? Would he call in a bomb threat? All reasonable concerns.
While it would disgust me to see the Yankees in the World Series once again (Sorry to my Yankee friends, which are most of you, but you know how I feel), I think it is inevitable. And this year I had 3 Phillies players carry my fantasy baseball team to a championship. This along with the potential of "world's colliding" for Dicky, I think I want the Phillies to come out of the NL. However I'm just hoping for good playoff baseball. I think with the 4 teams left standing that we should be in for a good October....and part of November.
So that will wrap up this edition of ETC. ETC. ETC. However before I leave you I made a claim that a four year old could do a better job then Chip Carey. Well here is that 4 year. He is re-enacting Herb Brooks' famous speech before the US Hockey team defeated the Soviet Union in the 1980 Olympics. It was also made famous in the movie Miracle by Kurt Russell, but I think this guy takes the cake. Notice the attention to detail too. For instance, when Russell first walks into the locker room he pats a player on the shoulder twice. Well when the kid walks into the room he makes sure to pat something twice, so he pats his air hockey table. In the words (or word) of Jim Rome " AAAA-mazing". This has now become my new favorite YouTube Video.
Until next time, as always....STAY SWEET
If the Yankees win the World Series should Kate Hudson get a ring?- Brian (CT)
At this point the only person more deserving of a ring is Teixeira. I don't know what she has done to A-Rod, but if your a Yankees fan you can only hope that she keeps doing whatever it is she is doing. I can't blame the guy, in fact good for him. She's a smokeshow but all I can imagine is that scene in You, Me and Dupree when Kate is dancing around in a black bathing suit. Except it's with A-Rod sitting instead of Michael Douglas, it's Hank Steinbrenner and instead of Lance Armstrong it's Joe Girardi. This is strangely perverse, comical and all too possible to think about.
This got me thinking about any other influential women and their effect on an athletes. You've got your marquee example of this in Eva Longoria and Tony Parker. Pre Eva, Tony was just another decent point guard. Then Tony got all Desperate Housewives-y with Eva and all of a suddenly the guy rattles of 2 championships (sure Tim Duncan was a large part of that, but I gotta give the edge to Eva. Remember kids, "Hot Wife, Good Life".)
Then there is David Beckham and Victoria Beckham. Beckham was just another "futball-er on the pitch" before he married Posh Spice and then all of a sudden he wins the UEFA cup and goes on to sign the biggest sports contract of all time.
But beware A-Rod, not all celebrity relationships are rainbows and championships. Dating a celebrity can backfire from time to time. Just ask Jason Sehorn. He was on top of the world, the only white cornerback in the NFL and coming off a Pro-Bowl season. Then he went and married Angie Harmon (from Law & Order, that's not very specific since there are 8 of them now) and then his career went straight down the tubes. He blew out his knee, his pants fell down in a game and then he became a punchline. But Angie is also very attractive so I really can't blame the guy. In fact he's a great example of striking while the iron is hot. He signed a big contract and got a hot wife, so the joke is on us.
I just a preview for Saw VI. How many more of these stupid movies are they going to make, over or under 7.5? - Ryan (Ridgefield)
I can't believe they are making another one of these movies. Enough already. Let me guess what this is about, the killer sets up another game that tortures and kills people who might be slightly corrupt and one person is left alive and they become the heir to Jigsaw's legacy. Boom Saw VI. Save your money that's exactly what happens.
Why do horror movies insist on making like 12 sequels? Can't we get a little creative. Anyone that knows me is well aware that I don't do scary movies, but I'm intrigued by "Paranormal Activity". It's suggestively scary, and it doesn't follow the same played out horror formula of brutal violence and loud, jumpy music that makes you scream. However, I don't see an end to this horror movie sequel trend, especially with the news of a remake of "A Nightmare on Elm Street" the scariest movie of all time in my opinion. So I'm going to take the over here and go with a Canadian dozen and say there will be 8 Saw movies.
If you had to listen to one of the following for 3 hours, which would it be and why
1. Chip Caray announcing
2. Nails on a chalkboard
3. Cats meowing jingle bells
-Pasquale (Norwalk)
For those who don't know who Chip Caray, consider yourself fortunate. He is an announcer on TBS who usually only does the Atlanta Braves games. But since TBS now has the MLB playoffs, fans are forced to be tortured if they want to watch the games. The guy couldn't be dumber. You know those people who only have their job's because of a rich or famous relative, and how much you hate that person because they have no business doing whatever it is they do. Well Chip is one of those people. He is related to the famous Harry Carey, who at least was informative and entertaining. Chip is neither of those. He makes your ears hurt listening to him. A four year old can do a better job (make sure you click on the link at the end of the blog for further proof). I think this is just one of the many ploys Ted Turner has to take over the world by exposing us to mindless hours of painful television, like "House of Payne" and "The Bill Engvall Show". Despite that, I think I would have to choose listening to Chip Carey, assuming that there is some kind of sporting event to go along with his excruciating commentary. Because lets face it the other two options have a legitimate shot of sending you to a mental institution.
If you had to watch any of these fictional movies, which would you watch? Prognosis Negative, Chunnel, Rochelle Rochelle, or Sack Lunch?
- Peter (Connecticut)
Hopefully my readers will all know that these are references to fake movies that come up throughout the seasons of "Seinfeld". As for Prognosis Negative, its supposed to be really bad, really bad. I mean it's long, there's no story, its so unbelievably boring.... i heard. So I'd have to rule that out. For help on this topic I turned to my trusted Seinfeld expert and collegue Pasquale. Here's what he had to say....
"Each have their benefits but also have their downsides. I feel like Prognosis Negative and Chunnel are automatically out because they just dont have the cache the other two have. Hard to argue with a strange erotic journey from Milan to Minsk in my opinion, but at the same time...how did that family get stuck in that sack?"
It's true...How did that family get stuck in that sack. But comon, Rochelle Rochelle. It's one girl's strange erotic journey from Milan to Minsk. It was so good they even made it a musical starring Bette Middler. So with all that considered I'm going with Rochelle Rochelle. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't see Sack Lunch. Even with Todd Gak.
Now that the SAWX are eliminated, who are you rooting for in the MLB Playoffs?-Will (Portland)
The Sox had yet another gut-wrenching loss that eliminated them from the playoffs. It's not nearly as bad as '03 and the homerun that shall not be mentioned, but you've got your star closer on the mound with a 2 run cushion and he blows it. That's just crushing. In a related story, this was just the culmination of one of the worst sports weekends in the life of Steamin Willie Beamen. My college roommate and contributor to this blog was as low as a sports fan could get this weekend. Not only did the Sox lose, but so too did the Patriots and the University of Michigan. Which prompted him to send me the following text messages....
Oct. 12, 2009 12:42 PM: I hate my life. Worst weekend ever. Pats killed me, Michigan killed me, Sox cut off my balls.
That pretty much sums it up. But it an also interesting and related story, a potential matchup is brewing in the MLB playoffs that would cause another best friend and contributor to self destruct. As a Mets fan, Dicky hates 2 baseball teams, the Yankees and the Phillies. And they could very well meet in the World Series. We all wondered what he would do then. Who would he root for? Would he even watch? Would he be so disgusted by the sight that he never watched baseball again? Would he call in a bomb threat? All reasonable concerns.
While it would disgust me to see the Yankees in the World Series once again (Sorry to my Yankee friends, which are most of you, but you know how I feel), I think it is inevitable. And this year I had 3 Phillies players carry my fantasy baseball team to a championship. This along with the potential of "world's colliding" for Dicky, I think I want the Phillies to come out of the NL. However I'm just hoping for good playoff baseball. I think with the 4 teams left standing that we should be in for a good October....and part of November.
So that will wrap up this edition of ETC. ETC. ETC. However before I leave you I made a claim that a four year old could do a better job then Chip Carey. Well here is that 4 year. He is re-enacting Herb Brooks' famous speech before the US Hockey team defeated the Soviet Union in the 1980 Olympics. It was also made famous in the movie Miracle by Kurt Russell, but I think this guy takes the cake. Notice the attention to detail too. For instance, when Russell first walks into the locker room he pats a player on the shoulder twice. Well when the kid walks into the room he makes sure to pat something twice, so he pats his air hockey table. In the words (or word) of Jim Rome " AAAA-mazing". This has now become my new favorite YouTube Video.
Until next time, as always....STAY SWEET
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