Super Bowl Edition

And The Elephant in the Room 


Tomorrow is the greatest day in sports and what makes this Super Bowl even more interesting is what's at stake for the main participants. I love the Super Bowl more than any other sporting event and now that my team is in the game it is reaching a whole 'nother level of excitement. The casual fan will gather for a Super Bowl party and enjoy some adult beverages while trying to watch all the commercials. However, as a rabid football fan, this game intrigues me more than any Super Bowl in recent memory. But the reasons for my peaked interest lay not in the individual matchups that will play out on the field, but rather a topic that no player or coach will address....Legacy.

The reason that Tom Brady or Eli Manning or Bill Belichick or Tom Coughlin won't address anything related to their legacy is because as a player this thought doesn't cross their minds come Sunday. Once all the excitement and circumstance ends the players will settle into the game and it becomes just another football game for them. But one of the things that makes sports great is the ability for fans to look back and assess what we have seen. It's why ESPN exists and it's why there is a Hall of Fame, so we can put into perspective an athlete's career and achievements.

In my opinion this is the most interesting Super Bowl, perhaps all time, and here's why. First of all, on the lowest of reasons, it matches Boston against New York, two cities that have arguably the greatest sports rivalry in the United States. I understand that the Patriots and Giants aren't true rivals, but it still allows the people of each city a chance to taunt one another. But then there's the most obvious element that makes this the most interesting game and that is revenge.

Just four years ago the New England Patriots were 18-0 and all that stood between them and immortality was a wildcard New York Giants team. We all know what happened and the Giants pulled off the greatest upset in football history, and perhaps in the history of sports. There's no way that Patriots fans can forget that moment and whenever a Pats fan starts talking shit to me all I need to say is "18-1". Imagine getting so close to perfection only to have David Tyree catch a Hail Mary against his helmet and in an instant you go from eternal legends to just another team that lost the Super Bowl.

Allow me a second to put this loss into perspective.

If the Patriots had won Super Bowl 42 and became the first team to go 19-0 then without question the Patriots would go down as the greatest dynasty in NFL history, as well as the being annointed the greatest team in NFL history. With his 4th Super Bowl win in 4 tries, Tom Brady would be unanimously known as the greatest QB of all time and Bill Belichick could be considered the greatest coach. But they came up just short, and now they "proudly" hang a banner from their stadium that says "16-0 2007 Patriots Perfect Regular Season" which is kind of like "playing just the tip", we all know you didn't finish.

Last night I decided to get the perspective from a Patriots fan, who may or may not have blocked Super Bowl 42 from his memory. I wanted to get his take on the game, and see if the game had the same meaning to a Pats fan as it did for myself. So I got my old college roommate on the line, Wild Bill Hews, and here's what he had to say...

ETC: What I find most interesting is the legacies at stake. Even though no one involved is talking about it, what's your take on what's at stake?
Hews: I don't feel like they would be thinking about it in the moment. But I agree, a lot is at stake for all parties.

ETC: I feel this is the most interesting Super Bowl, maybe ever, at least since Favre/Elway because Pats fan can deny it all they want, but this is all about revenge for them right? Tom and Bill, but especially for Pats fans who had to deal with 18-1 chants for 4 years.
Hews: I think the Pats would have rolled the 49ers if they had made it and I felt that way going into the NFC Championship. But I wanted the Giants. I want revenge. But in all honesty, I really like our chances.

ETC: Bias aside, are you concerned about stopping the Giants passing attack? Because Julian Edelman covering Victor Cruz makes me feel funny in my special parts.
Hews: I think we play to give up the short stuff. If you can score TDs in the red zone you win. That won't be the matchup. Arrington will on Cruz. I think you will be able to run a little, but if Pats pressure Eli you are in trouble.

ETC: What did you make of Eli's performance against San Fran? He got pressured and came out on top.
Hews: I don't think the pats will blitz much. Lots of max coverage, velco coverage. (sounds like he is trying to avoid that question)

ETC: What's the matchup that scares you the most and what's the matchup you're most excited about?
Hews: Scared most about the Nicks matchup. We usually get killed by the bigger WRs/ Brandon Marshall for example. Most excited about Welker vs whomever. Think he has a big day, could be MVP. Front runners for MVP are Manning, Brady, Nicks, Welker. Sleepers are Cruz, Hernandez, Bradshaw and Woodhead.

ETC: The Giants seem to have the Pats number. They ended the perfect season in Super Bowl 42 and this year they ended the Patriots 20 game home win streak. Do you think the Giants have a mental advantage?
Hews: No. I think they match up well with the Pats. Athletic defense and solid QB who is a gamer. Both wins came with under 1 min in 4th quarter. And let's not forget when the Pats beat the Giants in New York on the last game of the '07 season with nothing to play for but perfection.

ETC: Where does Super Bowl 42 rank in terms of worst loss as a fan?
Hews: Aaron Boone, Super Bowl 42, game 7 Celts vs Lakers no Perkins and blow double digit 4th quarter lead. And Michigan losing to Ohio State might have been worse our senior year when they were #1 and #2.

ETC: Do you think the banner that says 16-0 deserves to hang in Gillette or is it a constant reminder that you lost the Super Bowl?
*editors note: this is response is why the term Masshole exists. And it may make you hate Boston fans*
Hews: Not to sound like a dick but in 2007 the sox had just won it and the celts were on their way to their first championship. I was living in Boston. It was the season after spygate. We proved what we needed to and played our worst game of the season in the Super Bowl. It hurt more after Brady got hurt week one of the next year. No I think 16-0 is significant, but I'm also saying that the pats had won three, the sox that  fall closed out their second. Pats roll after spygate to 16-0. The Celts have the big three and are rolling. It was a blip that hurts real bad, but hurt worse after Tommy got hurt the next year. Because I honestly thought we could go 19-0 the next year.

ETC: If the Patriots lose on Sunday, how much does it hurt Tom and Bill's mystique/legacy?
Hews: Caz, you have to understand since 2001 sox win 2, pats win 3 lose 1, Celts win 1 lose 1 and Bruins win 1. I think it makes people question the success against the top competition. I don't think it hurts because they have three Super Bowl wins. If they lose and never go back, it hurts more. Just like 2007 hurts less if they win Sunday. It doesn't change the past but it does prove that it was a blip on the radar of a decade plus of dynastic domination. Sunday's Mission : Prove it was a blip.

ETC: You think '07 was just a blip on the radar?
Hews: With a win Sunday it was a blip.

ETC: And with a loss?
Hews: It hurts that much more. And people will question the Pats vs Top Competition.

So there's the New England take on the game. It's amazing how much he discredits the Giants and that Super Bowl performance. He kept saying "top competition" when in reality, with a Giants win, people will always say that Eli and Coughlin just had the Patriot's number.

Here's my take, as a Giants fan. It's very strange to me that almost every media member and prognosticator is picking the Giants to win. After all they are still a 2.5 point underdog and the Patriots are the #1 seed in the AFC with 13 wins, including 10 in a row. I've taken a lot of shit from my friends because I wrote this Giants team off after week 11 when they were embarrassed by Philadelphia. I honestly thought they were done, and still fresh off being in the stadium for the DeSean Jackson meltdown, I was convinced the Giants were dead.

But something amazing happened to them when their season was on the line in week 16 against the New York Jets. Their playoffs began in week 16 and it seemed like they finally realized it was time to play at an elite level or their season was over. And as the past few Super Bowl champions have proved, its the team that gets on a roll heading into the playoffs that usually wins it all.

Sure the Patriots have won 10 games in a row to this point, but I am more impressed with the Giants 5 game winning streak and here's why. It's not just because I'm a Giants fan, but its the quality of the wins. They beat the Jets, the Cowboys and the Falcons all in the Meadowlands, each win more impressive than the previous. Then they went on the road to beat the 15-1 Green Bay Packers, a team everyone had penciled in to represent the NFC at the Super Bowl. But the Giants defense finally showed up, and a team destroyed by injuries all of a sudden had most of their players back. We all know what happened next as the Giants went to San Francisco and knocked off the 49ers.

What I can't get over is how eerily similar this run is to that of Super Bowl 42 and the 2007 Giants. Its almost to the point where it seems like a hoax. The Giants lost 38-35 at home to an unbeaten team late in the season in 2007. In 2011, they lost 38-35 at home to an unbeaten team late in the season. In 2007 they beat the Packers in Green Bay despite being a heavy underdog. In 2011, they beat the Packers in Green Bay despite being a heavy underdog. In 2007, they advanced to the Super Bowl by winning the NFC Championship game on the road with an overtime, game winning field goal by Lawrence Tynes. In 2011, they advanced to the Super Bowl by winning the NFC Championship game on the road with an overtime, game winning field goal by Lawrence Tynes.

Before I get to my prediction, I'd like to discuss the legacies at stake, because the players and coaching can avoid it all they want, but come this time on Monday it's all anyone is going to be talking about. First let's set the table for Tom Brady and Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots. A win would give Brady and Bill their 4th ring together, tying them both for the NFL record both for a QB and coach. And given the current status of the NFL with parity abound, most would agree that this run of 4 championships is far more impressive than that of Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montana. Certainly Belichick's accomplishment would be viewed as far more challenging that that of Chuck Knoll's. At stake for these two is the chance to be considered the greatest at their respective positions. Bill could be mentioned in the same breath as Lombardi. And Brady, although technically being tied for the lead, could be called the greatest of all time. And they both have at least 4-5 years of elite play left in them.

As for the Giants the conversation isn't about the greatest of all time, but it would certainly cement some places among the all time greats. With a win Eli and Coughlin would both have 2 championships and would all but guarantee their spots in the Hall of Fame. For Eli it's even more personal. This is a guy who not so long ago was questioned as to whether or not he would ever win the big game. And now he is 60 minutes away from eclipsing his brother and raising the legitimate question of who you would rather have leading your team Peyton or Eli. A lot of mediocre quarterbacks have won a Super Bowl, but only the truly exceptional quarterbacks have won multiple.

It's finally time for my prediction. I know that I am incredibly biased, but I will try to look at this game as evenly as possible. I think the Giants are finally healthy and that they have a much better defense than the Patriots. The Giants have the ability to get to Brady without blitzing, something they did in Super Bowl 42 then they have a huge advantage. The toughest thing for the Patriots will be trying to stop the passing attack for the Giants. The toughest thing the Giants will have to do is limit Tom Brady, which is much easier to type than it is to actually do. Look back at the last 3 games these teams have played I think it will come down to the last possession and whichever quarterback has the ball last is going to win the game.

New York Giants 27- New England Patriots 21


That's my prediction and I'm sticking to it. So enjoy the Super Bowl, consume lots of delicious food and some adult beverages and let's hope the commercials are good. If you don't hear from me, it's because the Giants have lost and I can't bear to hear the abuse from Will Hews. Later this week, we will finally have the reader request piece published so keep your eyes out for it.

Until next time, as always...STAY CLASSY!

Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who's the Hottest of Them All

Disney Princesses and Courtship Approximation

The other day, as I voluntarily sat down to watch Aladdin I recognized one major enormous flaw to the story. The whole basis of the first act was that Jasmine couldn't find a suitor to marry her and so her father had arranged for numerous princes from all across the land to come and meet her. And despite the countless number of men she saw there wasn't a single one that could fit the bill.

Now hold on a second Miss Lippy. Have you seen Jasmine? Not only is she smoking hot, but she wears a belly shirt all day everyday and has a pet tiger. Let me repeat that. SHE HAS A PET TIGER!! That's like my dream girl. How is it that someone with all those outstanding credentials on her dating resume can't find a prince? I understand movie makers ask for a certain amount of leniency when it comes to the whole believability thing, but an insanely rich princess, with a banging body, a pet tiger and half a t-shirt could have her pick of the litter. But I'm willing to give this little mishap a pass because it provides a glimmer of hope that somewhere out there, there's a chick just like Jasmine waiting for me to sweep her off her feet and become best friends with her pet tiger. I'm just saying, it's possible.

Anyways, that got me to thinking that Jasmine has got to be a runaway for the hottest Disney princess. But you'd be surprised the amount of push back I got on this subject. Answers were as varied as a Halloween grab bag at your cheap neighbor's house. It was almost impossible to get a unanimous answer, and when people did agree it was for insanely different reasons. And therefore I decided that once and for all a Disney Princess ranking was necessary to settle the debate. And who better than I, a person who voluntarily watches Disney movies and is proud to admit that, to settle this once and for all.

Now a lot of thought went into this as did a few hours of watching tape just to make sure my thoughts were on point. Let me say that I am very happy that all movie renting nowadays is safe and secure online. Because if I went to a blockbuster store and rented 6 Disney princess movies back to back I'm pretty sure a wanted poster would have been drawn and hung on every street corner.

So here's the criteria of my rankings :

1. I am only using the "original 6" or as they like to be called "the slick 6".
2. Since these are classy women, this is a long term ranking. While Ariel might be the obvious choice if you met her at a club, I want to know their long term prospects.
3. As always, poise counts. If I'm going to have this princess for life, I need to know how she reacts when things go bad. And if you've ever seen a Disney princess movie you know things go bad.
4. Songs Count. We are talking Disney musicals after all.
5. Thats about it.

And here we go....

6. Sleeping Beauty aka Aurora : She must have had quite an impact because she only appeared on screen for 18 minutes. Talk about bang for your buck. In my opinion the only character to do more with that little time on screen is Colonel Jessup in A Few Good Men. So here's what Sleeping Beauty has going for her. Her uncanny beauty was enough to convince a prince to fall in love with her. The prince assumed she was just a peasant, when actually she was a princess. Here's the catch, the prince was arranged to marry a princess (in a cruel twist of fate the princess is actually the same peasant girl he fell in love with). Yada Yada Yada this causes mayhem in the royal castle and Aurora is cursed into eternal sleep, the only thing that can break the curse is a kiss from a prince ( I know, talk about cliche').

Here's what she's got going for her, she's blond buxom and despite being insanely rich, can easily pass for common folk (an invaluable characteristic). But here's my issue with her. She was cursed by an enchanted wheel. She was fixated on the shiny flashy unknown object. She knew she shouldn't touch the wheel but she did anyway and look what it did to her, it put her in an enchanted coma. If she could so easily stray from doing the right thing here, what else would she stray for? You know the expression, once a cheater always a cheater. Well with princesses it's more like once a cursed bitch always a cursed bitch. And I can't have that kind of bad luck looming over me for ever after.

5. Snow White: I feel a little bad putting the original Disney Princess out of the medal rounds. Let's go over a few things. First of all she lived in 1937, I mean talk about a rough time to live. There was so much more going on at that point in history and when so many people were out of work, Snow White gainfully and happily employed 7 loyal workers. But she does deserve serious consideration because her beauty was off the charts. Her evil step-mother ordered her death, except the henchman thought Snow White was so hot that they couldn't kill her ( who says chivalry is dead).

But Snow White has some baggage, specifically a crazy family. Her step-mother poisons her by tricking Snow White to eat an apple. If her step-mother could poison her own step-daughter, imagine what she would do to me, the step-son-in law. That's a rocky relationship as it is, and now we're adding a deranged step-mom to the equation...no thanks. I'd be constantly looking over my shoulder and I could never eat apples ever again. I don't think I could live like that. But here's why she ranks above Sleeping Beauty, though their tales are eerily similar. Snow White's loyal dwarf's couldn't bear to bury such a beautiful person that they built her a glass coffin, assuming she is dead. But some prince comes by and has the urge to kiss a dead chick and wouldn't you know it, the kiss wakes her up and they live happily ever after. Freud would have a field day with this prince, but the crazy tactic worked and he bagged himself a princess. So the common theme so far is that the first kiss REALLY matters, I guess most of the chicks flicks were right. Thanks Nora Ephron.

4. Cinderella : The mother of all fairy tales. The name alone has such secondary meaning and inferences which leads one to speculate that the original must have inspired pure awe. Here's a few things that Cinderelly has going for her; 1) She cleans up amazingly well. The transformation from scrubbing floors and talking to mice to ball room beauty who steals the heart of a prince is simply fascinating. Granted she has the help of a fairy godmother but that's a hell of a lot more than I can say I've got in my corner. My best move is putting on a sports coat, this chick is turning pumpkins into carriages, advantage Cinderella. 2). She's timely. She knew that she was working on a deadline; make the prince fall for you by midnight or its back to scrubbing floors. I can't stress how important that quality is. That way we can do whatever it is she wants to do during the day and still be back in time for the Giants kickoff. 3) She looks great without trying. I gotta hand it to Cinderella, even when she was toiling away on those floors she still was bringing the heat and I dig that. Look at that picture, she's not trying to impress anyone but she still looks like she could make a man do whatever she wanted. It's the roll out of bed look, and if you can rock that, well I don't need to tell you how far that goes.

But with every princess there's a few flaws. Now like I said I love the roll out of bed look and the timeliness and of course the natural beauty. Look at the blond hair and blue eyes. Now having said that, there are a lot of people in central Europe that would do some crazy things for that look. But my problem with her, and I'm nitpicking, is her friends. They're mice. Bottom line. And any girl that has mice, guinnea pigs, ferrets or any other kind of rodent as a pet is a major red flag in my book. Sure they are cute and supportive but so are orthopedic back pillows. You know how awkward it would be to have her friends over for a dinner party? I mean don't get me wrong I love cheese just as much as the next guy but where does it end? And I respect Ikea but there's no chance they have furniture that small so as her mice friends could be comfortable. Give me Snow White's dwarfs anyday of the week and twice on Sunday.

3. Belle - Beauty and the Beast: Man this was a tough decision. I have a soft spot for Belle and Beauty and the Beast in general. In fact, had things gone a little differently I may have been a famous stage actor but instead the 2nd grade production of Beauty and the Beast scared me from all theatrical performances. It's a long story, and most of my friends have probably heard this story, so I'll give the cliffnotes version. Instead of being cast in a leading role, or even having a single line in the play, I was cast as an extra, a knife, who wrapped up the play by telling the audience "thank you for attending our play. Refreshments will be served in the classrooms". And I never acted again.

But I digress. After careful consideration Belle takes the bronze medal, but a case could easily be made for ranking her higher, after all her nickname is BEAUTY. She radiates grace, not a little grace, but off the charts grace. You think its easy making a Beast fall in love. It takes a special kind of lady to do that. But let's go over her intangibles. 1)Compassion. Instead of letting her father stay imprisoned by the Beast, she trades her life for his freedom, talk about devotion. This is like a get out of jail free card, if you screw up big time in public or with her friends, she very well could take the fall for you. You can never count on this act of valor, but it's good to know she's got that ace in the hole. 2) Courage. She stood up to a beast, a friggin BEAST. I get scared of spiders and this chick is bossing around a BEAST. You think you're ever going to get over charged by a mechanic or pushed around by flight attendand, I think not. But be careful, this can easily backfire. Before you know it, she's wearing the pants, your carrying her purse and instead of watching Die Hard you're stuck watching re-runs of Sex and the City. It's a slippery slope but all in all, courage is a good thing. And she gets a major bump from the previous 3 because I find the music in Beauty and the Beast to be far superior. "Be Our Guest" and "Beauty and the Beast" are two of Disney's finest pieces. Not to mention she commands a dress. She's wearing a dress pretty much the entire movie and the way she looks in a dress, I don't blame her one bit.

2. Ariel - The Little Mermaid: This chick is just oozing sex appeal. Let's start with just the physical appearance that so many men value. She's wearing a sea-shell bra, I'm pretty sure that's a look that no man would say no to. Not to mention that I'll bet anything she's going commando under that bluefin mermaid tail (she's got to be, right?). And the flowing red hair hair, I mean comon. Some people don't like redheads, but I thought we live in a world where we don't discriminate based on race, color or creed. Certainly that applies to hair as well. I for one, dig the flowing red locks not to mention a few other characteristics that make her insanely appealing to the superficial male. And let's not forget that you could probably pull off underwater hookups, which if executed properly could give a whole new meaning to under the sea (did you see what I did there?).

Based on a few things I've noticed about her, I've determined that she would be the ideal candidate to date in high school or college and here's why. 1) She's rebellious. Her parents said she can't go out on Friday, but guess what, shes swimming off out of an underwater castle window. And since she's underwater, you don't even need a ladder to get to the window. 2) She's curious. She always wants to discover and try new things. I don't think I need to spell out why that's important gentleman. 3). Devoted to her man. She was so devoted that she was willing to give up her voice so she could be with her man. Take a second to let that sink in. She voluntarily hit the mute button on herself. But there's really only one reason that I denied Ariel the gold, and it's in regards to the mermaid tail. One of the major criticisms of men is that they really don't know how to successfully push the females buttons south of the border. We men have a hard enough time when our only real barrier is a thin layer of cotton or silk. Well I would have to imagine that it's a thousand times more difficult when you have to work your way through a scaly, mucous-y membrane that not even the great explorers of years past have been able to navigate. And let's be honest, is there anything worse than an unsatisfied woman. Ariel you are amazing, but you're more the kind of chick I'd want on the hood of my submarine, jamming out to Whitesnake.

1. Jasmine - Aladdin: This was not a run-a-way but after careful consideration she has to be the hottest Disney princess of them all. She's got that natural tan exotic look that you just can't get at Hollywood Tans. I know I previously mentioned that she has a pet tiger but that's just not something you can overlook. Any idiot can try to purchase a pet tiger but it usually ends disastrously. But not with Jasmine, she's got that Tiger to be so loyal and protective that it totally redefines the term man's best friend. But let's look beyond the pet tiger, Jasmine is to Disney princesses what Helen of Troy is to women. She's the benchmark, the one all others aspire to be. She is Beyonce in a world full of lounge singers, Harley-Davidson in a world full of scooters and fruit punch Kool-Aid in a world full of mediocre beverages.

Let's break her down and see how I arrived at this decision. 1) pet tiger - discussed ad nauseam. 2) Status doesn't matter to her. It takes a special kind of woman to turn down countless princes and instead fall for a liar, crook and homeless guy with a pet monkey (actually the pet monkey definitely helped his chances). Now I realize that she went on the magic carpet ride with Aladdin assuming that he was Prince Ali-Aliabawa. But she could see past the fancy clothes and appearances and knew she shouldn't get on that carpet but she did anyway. Which brings me to point number 3) See looks past flaws. Magic Carpets aren't the safest things, and Aladdin wasn't exactly spitting Leo DiCaprio game, but he still got her onto his carpet, a very good sign. And finally 4) She's forgiving. Let's be honest, Aladdin pulled the oldest move in the rom-com book, he lied to get a hot chick. He even took it a step further and consulted the powers of a magic genie. That's like shooting fish in a barrel. You show me a girl impervious to the powers of a genie and I'll show you Margaret Thatcher on a cold day. Of course there is the music to Aladdin, that may be the best work of all time from Disney. Cause let's be honest, if there ever was double meaning in a Disney song it's "A Whole New World" . And if you don't know what I mean then you clearly never had princess sex on a magic carpet (Where's a genie when you need one).

This was not easy, but someone had to do it. Now if we were to extend this to all Disney females than the answer is Nala from The Lion King, no questions asked. That cat doesn't even know what she's doing.

So what did we learn from this list? The best way to a cartoon princess' heart is the first kiss, never assume she is who she appears to be, and of course you need to be able to sing. I suppose that I can snag me a Disney princess too but we all know that I can't sing for shit. Unlike this guy who sings both parts of "A Whole New World" and absolutely kills it. Some say that's gay, but I say that's the best way to get yourself a princess. Because above all else they all share one common characteristic....They fall for the guy who can sign.

So that does it for this post. We'll see you again shortly so until next time, as always....STAY CLASSY!